Eggie energy

So, as I'm gearing up for my FET this month, I've been dissecting the past two IVF cycles...and even a little before that. 

In July of 2012 when I was gearing up for my August IUI, we found out that the hubs may have a MFI problemo.  A problem of the morphology kind.  So starting in early August, he began to take Fertility Blend for Men.  IUI failed, so in September we moved on...but he continued with his pills.

 The first IVF 'antagonist' cycle resulted in: 19 eggs retrieved, 14 mature, 7 fertilized, ending in no transfer but a frozen:

(1) day 6 - 6BB blast.

--Due to the lack of fertilization, the hubs ups his dosage, sticks with his handful of walnuts a day (chinese medicine) and gives up caffeine.  Also, we hope that since FB has been in his system for a few months things will improve. They do.

My second long lupron cycle resulted in: 31 eggs retrieved, 22 mature, 20 fertillized, 6 day 5 blasts.  One 6CD and one 6DD blast are discarded leaving us with no transfer once again, but 4 frozens:

(2) 5BC
(1) 6CC
(1) 6CB blasts.

In total, I have 5 blasts 'on ice'.  Of course, superficially this sounds fantastic.  But by digging deeper, I feel that my egg quality is lacking. Why can't my embryos make it to blast on day 5?  Why do they always need an extra day?  My FSH level is high for my age at a 9...but then again my doctor says that this number changes constantly and not to get too caught up in it. 

What I can get caught up in though is the grades of my blasts and the fact that so many seem to be lacking energy.  Some clinics throw away a 6CC.  After researching it, I've decided that I need a plan should all of these blasts/FET's fail due to egg quality.  I bought some CoQ10 and have decided this. I will do an FET in January and February. Should they fail or become cancelled, I will give up all things (wine!!) unhealthy/acidic for March, April, and May.  Also, I will take the CoQ10 and continue going to acupuncture.  Hopefully this will make for a super healthy batch of eggs in late May/early June.  I just wish my doctor had told me about CoQ10 sooner.  I mean, it's been FOREVER that I could have been doing it for.  I hate all this trial and error!  Ugh.

So there you have it. Another day, another plan.  I am SOOO looking forward to 2013...

A holiday party...after an egg retrieval?!

So, I wasn't going to write about this because it is quite possibly insane but here goes.  Every year, Jeff and I throw a holiday party on the Saturday before Christmas.  We LOVE it.  To us, it is the best part of our holiday season.  However, this year was looking like it would be a bit different.  When we thought about doing IVF for a second time, my sights were set on November.  Hilariously, I thought I would be pregnant for Christmas.  HAHAHA. Sorry, that made me laugh.

So, the plan was IVF in November, party in December.  But then I got cysts and my Day 1 was delayed.  Then, they decided to put me on a long lupron cycle rather than the antagonist one.  Soon, the days of December were quickly approaching and I realized that our party was set on a day that would surely be on my transfer day or a day or two after.  I would be on bed rest. OH NOOOO. 

The hubs and I put our two terribly dumb heads together and decided to move the party up a week.  Then, the party would fall around the time of the retrieval, which would be much more ideal.  RSVP's were coming our way as we decorated the house in jolly holiday decor.  Then, it was time to trigger and upon hearing the words, the hubs and I looked at eachother, thinking the same exact thing...

The retrieval and holiday party would be the same day.

At first, we panicked. But last time my retrieval was at 9am and I felt fine the rest of the day so I decided to keep the party going.  It wasn't until the nurse called me and scheduled me for a 2PM retrieval time that I straight up lost my shiz (but still didn't cancel the party). 

In the end, I was zonky and tired. Bloated and unable to suck in my belly.  Out of it and a bit off. BUT I did it!  Even if it was an insane idea in the first place. 

It all worked out.  Somehow.  I survived a night of hosting my best friends and family with little other than the energy from my multiple Gatorades that I had stashed in almost every room of the house. And it's a good thing that we had it because my transfer was the next weekend and now we're pregnant.  HAHAHA. Sorry again.  OF COURSE, my transfer was subsequently canceled so it would have been MUCH better to keep the original date, but we had no way of knowing that. 

Our tradition lives on and this year will be one I never ever ever ever forget.  Because I was crazy for having it in the first place.

We went from this...

To this...

My sister and I. Tube dresses are your friend after an egg retrieval.

Jeff with our bro in law and neph

How cute is this guy?  I love my nephew!

Jeff putting on our dogs Santa outfit.  Someone had to.

Merry Christmas, all!  And may the new year be filled with lots of health, happiness and babies!

xoxo
L

My baby is going to be WAAAAY wanted.

The Infertillity Rollercoaster.

I love roller-coasters.  But, when you didn't agree to get on one in the first place and you don't see any sign of it stopping to let you off soon, it makes you want to scream.  And not the, "Weeee" kind of scream...the "HELP! I've been kidnapped by a runaway train!" kind.

The ride isn't smooth and every high is sure to be met with a low.  Every climb, met with a dip.  Even when you know a gut-wrenching fall is approaching and you brace yourself, it is never enough. Hopes that are high every time you pass the gate from where you boarded are dashed when the brakes don't kick in. Again.  When you hear you have retrieved 31 eggs, 20 of which have fertilized, you will just as soon hear that only 4 have made it and your transfer has been canceled.  Then you will also hear that their grades aren't too great either. 

Clearly I have a lot of time to think about this stuff.  What people don't realize with infertility is that every single month there is hope.  Even if you "don't even care anymore" there is still a chance, a sliver of light moments before you know it didn't work out AGAIN.  So if I don't see you for a month or two and then I'm sipping wine when I finally do...understand that I may look how I always have, but I've changed.  In the interim of us seeing eachother, I could have become 2 months pregnant.  But I didn't.   Infertility is an every day thing.

I remember being in 9th grade and having the craziest crush of my life and thinking that I couldn't IMAGINE thinking of something more than I was thinking of this boy.  Then, I went to college and belonged to 1 half of the most dramatic relationship in the world.  Once again, I remember my thoughts being consumed 100 percent by this person and what was going on between the two of us.  Diary entries were redundant and it was clear that I was obsessed with my little world. But my brain was immature and as quickly as it came, it always left.  There was always something shiny around the corner back then. And I guess that is what I'm hoping for here.  Something shiny to distract me.  However, unlike past tense me, not just anything will do.  I want to start a family. 

And because of that, I will stay on this rollercoaster every single day.  Even if it makes me want to puke.  Even if I have to watch everyone else hop on and off with ease.  Even if the tracks become rickety and I think I may die. I'll stay on as long as I can.

xoxo
L

Constant state of wonder.

My mind...

it's wandering.

I add up days, weeks, months, years. I trail off, thinking about my past, my present, my future. I measure my life.  I feel good about it.  Then, measure again.

I wonder if anyone else wonders like I do.  Aimlessly. I wonder if I would survive in a world without modern medicine...it doesn't seem like it. Well, even if I could, I wouldn't be able to expand my brood easily.  But then again, without medicine who would survive? I wonder if not being super fertile makes me feel less than?  Is this my fault?  I wonder if humans have been existing for so long that our genes are all junk and I'm part of the solution to extinct us all?  Or am I part of the example...to show how intellectually smart we are? We can achieve anything we want...through a lab. We don't need anything but brains.

I wonder constantly if my embryos will thaw, if they'll produce a positive pregnancy test, if I'll do 2 FET's, only to then do another 3 rounds of IVF.  Will I have to do this again? How many times? How many shots? How many nights wondering, hoping, praying for the SAME thing?  When will I get to hope for something different? 

When will this change?

I wonder.  And I do it constantly.

Four.

Four blastocysts made it to freeze. My two 'almost blasts' and two of the morulas will join my previously created frozen embryo from last cycle.

And even though ALL I've wanted is to partake in a transfer, I'm okay. Yes, it is depressing for another holiday season to pass us by baby-free but what can we do? It wasn't meant to be (I don't really believe that, but I'm trying to be cordial with myself). And four frozens is more than I could have hoped for.

FET scheduled for February unless an opening becomes available before then.

Fingers crossed...

IVF #2 - Cancelled AGAIN.

2 almost blasts, 3 morulas, 8 "disorganized" morulas, and 7 arrested embryos = my previously exciting 20 fertilized embryos.

So many thoughts are whizzing through my mind.  I am happy that all 20 mature eggs fertilized. That in itself takes care of the MFI issue from the previous cycle.  

I don't understand however, why so many of our embryos' became "disorganized."  To me, this sounds like a reason why we shouldn't even try naturally.  Are we incompatible?  Do we have a 50% chance of that happening since it happened to almost half of our stock?  Why so wacky, sperm/egg-combo?

Why have I never had a perfectly ready 5 day blastocyst ready to transfer?  Why are they growing slowly?  I've done an antagonist cycle and a long lupron cycle. One yielded 1 almost blast out of 7 fertilized embryos and the other, 2 out of 20. Why is it so hard to get to blast? Why so slow?

Why doesn't my clinic do a day 6 transfer and or why wouldn't they transfer 2 of the morulas?  If they are going to cancel it anyway, can't we at least throw something in there while my lining is "perfect"?  Can't we do SOMETHING?  What if they like my uterus better than your stinky lab?  Come on!

It doesn't help that they have SUCH strict criteria (no fresh day 3 transfers, morula transfers, almost blastocyst transfers) paired with an insanely packed schedule.  I can't schedule an FET until February now.  

Merry Christmas. This sucks.
L

HCG Infusion?

At my retrieval appointment, Jeff and I were handed a brochure explaining an HCG Infusion to be done at the time of embryo transfer.  It's done on a trial basis, so even if we sign up, our chances of being picked for it are 50/50.

As of this second, I think we're going to do it (if they want us).  It scares me because it's yet another scientific thing thrown into the babymaking scene.  I know that things can go wrong naturally too, but I think it's harder when the decision is mine to make.  On the one hand, this flushing of the uterus with HCG is supposed to help implantation by FIFTEEN PERCENT, which is a ton.  But on the other hand, I don't understand more than what I can google and what they tell me and I won't ever really know if there are long term effects.  Is this safe?  I hope so.  There is so much trust that goes into this process.

UPDATED 1/22/13 - So, my transfer did get pushed back to an FET and I did not choose to do the HCG infusion at the time of embryo transfer. The nurses staff was visibly sad, but it's not their uterus and I just didn't feel there was enough information on this process. In a year, when the trial is done and they have the definitive answer they are looking for...I might be all for it!  But not until then:)

Since the retrieval, I've had a lot of time to think.  I'm very anxious. Very nervous. Very excited.  I'm also very sad about certain things encountered along this journey of mine.  I mean, it's inevitable in this situation that I will be around some depressing things.  I sit in an infertility office almost every day, surrounded by girls like myself or worse off than myself. 

On Saturday, I literally sat in between the two most opposite egg retrieval situations.  Through the curtain to my left sat a girl, sick, nauseous, bloated, out of it, going through bed pan after bed pan because she couldn't stand.  She was cooked, done.  And for good reason.  Her retrieval had produced a whopping 69 eggs before I'd even gotten there.  SIXTY NINE!  I don't think it's normal for nurses to whoop and holler, but they definitely were.  Yes, this girl will have OHSS for sure, but she also has a crap load of eggs.  I know some people think that the number of eggs don't matter because it's the quality that counts, but I don't know.  She seemed pretty happy. Even if 60 out of 69 of them are immature, or didn't fertilize, there is still good amount left and that is INSANE. 

However, to my right sat another girl and her husband.  Of course I couldn't see either of these couples, but the curtains between us were thin and for good portions of our wait, Jeff and I were silent (much unlike the last time when thumb wrestling was our main thrill).  The girl to my right was scheduled to go right before me.  She was nervous, but in good spirits.  When she spoke, she sounded very matter-of-fact but also excited.  She and her husband laughed a good amount until the nurse approached them with the normal questions.  I heard her say that she had already experienced a pregnancy for 2 full months.  I heard her tell the nurse she was hoping for 7 eggs.  

They walked her in.  

In no time at (it felt like less than 10 minutes), she was wheeled back to where we were.  Groggy and medicated.  The nurse disclosed her number of eggs privately and I couldn't hear what she said, but I could hear the girl.  She was crying.  Through the tears we heard that her retrieval had produced 5 eggs and she was devastated.  I heard her husband console her, saying "You knew it wouldn't be a lot."  But that's the thing.  Even when you KNOW you shouldn't get your hopes up, you do.  

Before they even took me back to get on the backwards massage table from hell, the girl to my right had already changed, packed up and left.  She was done and it took so much for me not to cry for her.  Even if I never saw what she looked like, I felt for her.  We were the same. 

I'm home for this week, relaxing, getting stabbed with progesterone and keeping healthy.  In fact, it is time for me to leave for acupuncture right now...

Toodles!
L

Retrieval Day...

They retrieved...31 eggs!

And we received a call from the lab this morning saying that 20 have fertilized naturally.

Now it's up to me to chug my gatorade and keep my fingers crossed that OHSS fails to occur, the embryos grow at a good rate and that I may partake in my first transfer ever.

pleasepleasepleaseplease

Updated to add: My estrogen level went up to 6700 prior to retrieval.  It has been about a day and a half and I am experiencing some discomfort, cramping, fullness...but hopefully it isn't OHSS.  Or even if it is, I hope it's minor enough to avoid freezing the eggies.   

High Estrogen Level. Poop.

Just heard from my nurse and my E level is 5399 after 10 nights of stims.   AND I have some fluid in my lining.

Poop.

My trigger is set for 2am tonight. Knowing us, we'll probably be so deliriously tired that we inject my love handles and create some sort of 'never before seen' alien follicle.  Can't wait!

I believe I may already be delirious...  
xoxo

IVF Cycle Day 13 - TRIGGER!!!

It's trigger time tonight and I can't wait!  I'm worse than a kid on Christmas.  I just can't wait to know everything! I feel so good about everything right now and I hope to stay this way.  As I wrote on my IVF Calendar post, my appointment this morning unveiled a 24, 2 20's, and about 5 or 6 19-17's as far as follicle sizes go.  There are also a bunch smaller than those.  FINGERS CROSSED! I wish it was Saturday already.

Once my nurse calls, she will inform me as to when I should take my Ovidrel shot tonight, since the retrieval will be exactly 36 hours from that time.  I hope it's around 8ish. The earlier the better for me. Get 'er done.

I'll update once I hear...

During shots, I listen to...

If you don't know already, the hubs and I have a routine when it comes to shooting medications through my belly or butt region in the name of making embryos.  First, the hubs prepares all shots like the little mad scientist that he is, then he lights a candle because it smells nice (and when I start progesterone he hovers the syringe above the flame briefly to thin the fluid a bit) before calling me into the room.  Then, we put on some tunes and get going. Badda bing, badda bang, badda boom. 

Last cycle, I was in a Flo Rida IVF music phase, but this cycle I'm really feeling these songs:

Fun - Carry On

Imagine Dragons - It's Time

Philip Philips - Home

Listen, shoot, repeat.

xoxo
L

You know your meds are making you emotional when...

this video of Jay-Z taking the subway makes you tear up.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ALIgRZCWrlk

I know, right?!  

But how sweet is that woman's smile?! Ugh, the whole thing is just so freakin' cute, I can't stand it. 

xoxo
L

Symptoms

So, unlike most girls who make a list of pregnancy symptoms when they think they could possibly have a bun in the oven, I have a list of "non-pregnancy symptoms" that occur while I know 100% that I am not/could not possibly be preggers.

For instance, today I have the WORST heartburn.  When I say the "worst" I mean that it actually feels like there is a small pool of molten lava sitting in my throat waiting to spill out at all times.  If but a year prior, my younger, less jaded self would easily categorize this as a symptom.  However, I am going through IVF and definitely not with-child.  So, now I know....it's nothing.  And in turn, I now know that it is possible to have such out-of-nowhere discomfort without being pregnant.  

Symptoms like this one remind me that I cannot be fooled when it is time for the waiting game.  Those weird twinges in my belly last month that occured when I was not pregnant - normal.  That strange lower abdomen sensation - nothing again.  And what about that time I thought my eyesight spontaneously became razor sharp out of nowhere only to have me exclaiming wildly,  "IT MUST BE A BABY!" within the confines of my brain - Nope. Nada.

I think that I partly make this list of non-symptoms because I've reached a level of insanity that cannot be helped but also I think I do it for safety.  I can't bare to get my hopes up too much. Too often.

When we first started "trying" (I hate that term - ew) symptoms were actually quite fun.  

"Oh my God Jeff, I am SO nauseous!" 

or

"Some weird crap is going on in my stomach right now."  

Well, guess what? Weird crap = crap.  Bowel movements do not a child make.  Symptoms were a great way to secretly think I was about to get the greatest surprise of my life. Especially since they seemed to change EVERY SINGLE MONTH.  But like anything else that is done over and over again counting symptoms gets old.  Then desperate.  And finally, I just got straight up jaded (as if I need another thing to be jaded about!) as a result.  

When your girlfriend is like, "whoa, my sense of smell is crazy today...what if I'm pregnant?!" all Jaded Laura can ever say back is, "let's take a test," even when I should be saying something along the lines of, "OHMYGOD! YAAAAY! A BAYBEEEE!!!" or anything similar.  To me, I'd rather just know instead of enduring days filled with whimsical symptoms that could possibly mean zilch. I mean, why waste the time living in La La Land.  Right?

Holy smokes, I've just had a revelation:

I...think that I may be a symptom scrooge.

Being any kind of scrooge at this time of year is not cool. Hopefully it's just the meds talking. Seriously, tell me your symptoms, I won't bite. I promise! 

Right now I'm on 100 (down from 150) of Follistim, 5 units of Lupron, and 1 vial (down from 2) of Menopur.  Tonight will be night 10!  Almost at the end!!!!

xoxo
Laura

IVF Calendar, Part Deux

11/7 - Start AF, start BC

11/17 - Start Lupron 10units

11/21 - end BC

11/24 - Day 1

11/26 - Day 3 bloodwork/ultrasound & start 5units Lupron, 150 Menopur (2 vials), 150 Follistim

11/29 - Day 6 b/w & u/s. Meds stay the same. 14 on the left, 25 on the right.

12/1 - Day 8 the Doc said I was "plentiful." As usual, I will take what I can get compliment-wise.

12/3 - Day 10 - my biggest follie is 14. Change prescription to one Menopur and have to return tomorrow.

12/4 - Day 11 - I'm on the "daily plan," whoop whoop.  I have a few eggs at 16, but the rest are all smaller.  They believe my retrieval will be Saturday and they also think that given the amount of follicles, I may need to prep myself for OHSS. Booooo. OHSS will mean that I have a chance of freezing all eggs for a future FET. Double booo. Crossing my fingers for a happy outcome...that does not include cantalope sized ovaries and gallons of Gatorade ingestion. 

12/5 - Day 12 - Giving blood was not fun today. Instead of a "pinch," I most definitely felt a "stab."  As far as follicles go, I think I have a lot in there, but I think there is only 1 18mm one and all the rest are 16 and under.  I'm getting sooooo nervous.   

12/6 - Day 13 - I trigger tonight!!! My biggest follicle was 24, which seems like a lot for it to grow overnight.  I also had 2 20's, 2 19's, a few 18's and a lot less than that.  I HOPE THIS WORKS!!! 
updated to add: estrogen at 5399 - high 

12/7 - 2am - trigger with 1 Ovidrel shot.  

6am - B/w & u/s AGAIN.  Luckily, they were able to take blood from my left arm for once, so that was a pleasant surprise.  Still some fluid in my lining but lots of egg as well.  Not sure on Estrogen level yet. will post later... 

12/8 - Retrieval Day!!! They retrieve 31 eggs.

12/9 - We are told that 20 have fertilized normally without the need for ICSI. 

12/13 - Find out that the embryos are running a day behind schedule.  4 day 5 blasts are frozen for an upcoming FET in Feb (unless something opens sooner).
 

IVF is confusing.

No matter how much I Google, I still feel insanely UN-knowledgeable about the IVF meds I'm taking.  For instance, I know that Lupron holds back any sort of follie growth, which is why I started the cycle taking 10 units of it.  BUT, why am I still taking 5 units along with 2 vials of Menopur and Follistim?

Shouldn't I just lose the Lupron completely and lose one vial of Menopur?  Wouldn't that equal the same thing?  

Or is Lupron really just supposed to slooooow the growth that the Menopur is forcing, so that all follicles grow at the same time?

VERY CONFUSING stuff. Like, whoa.