Fail.

For some reason, my body just loves not being pregnant. 29 years going strong.

Aunt Flow arrived AGAIN so our first IUI party-in-my-uterus is officially a bust. Had a feeling this would be the case, but hoped otherwise.  Oh well.  Time to move on.  Not completely positive which science project we'll lend our bodies to this month, but I'm sure it'll be something invasive, expensive and crazy.  Weeee. 

Signing off...

Books I've Read during TWW...

Okay, so as I mentioned, I've been trying a new thing where I read books instead of thinking too much about this God-awful two week wait.  So far, so good.  Here are the books I've consumed thus far:

Best Friends Forever - Jennifer Weiner

*I'm not the biggest Jennifer Weiner fan, but picked this up at my local bookstore when I only had a few minutes before dinner and couldn't find anything else to tickle my fancy.  Turns out, I really enjoyed her writing this time around. BFF has a great storyline, with great characters.  I personally think that the one best friend's hilarious moments (bank robbery scene) make up for other oddities, such as the cop's creepy obsession with children television shows and the over-the-top religious chick.  Worth your time!

Where we Belong - Emily Giffin

*I've been obsessed with Emily Giffin since she wrote "Something Borrowed" and "Something Blue."  I mean, those books were epic.  So epic, in fact, that I've been waiting like crazy for another one of her books to make me feel the same way.  Hasn't happened yet.  So far, every one of her books has the same interesting-enough storyline, relate-able characters and way too abrupt ending.  Even so, you almost always know that things will turn out well for her characters.  She's a feel good writer...and subsequently, I usually feel good after reading her writing.  

 

Pandemonium - Lauren Oliver (second book in Delirium series)

*I've only just begun this one, but it is GOOD.  Really really good. Yes, it's a young adult read, but my Mom used to work in a bookstore and got me to read an advanced copy of Oliver's, "Before I Fall" and I was hooked.  If you can only read one of her books, read that one.  I guarantee you'll end up like me in the Young Adult section of your bookstore, anxious for the next one.

TWW:

Only a few more days left in this wait (I'm 9 dpiui) and even though my brain has conjured up some serious "symptoms" this month, I'm not confident AT ALL.  How can anybody be?  One symptom that most girls admit to feeling is a "tugging" or "pulling" in their side and I haven't, so that is what I'm going with.  This whole thing is so crazy.  All I can do is KNOW that it will indeed happen.  Some day...

Two Week Wait - Natural IUI

I've given this a lot of thought and have decided that the two week waiting period between giving "it" our all and finding out whether it worked or not totally sucks.  I realize that it must be so different for everyone. So so very different.  And for every different person, I have to think that every month is also very different.  Usually starting with the hopeful/"I don't even care if it happens this month" emotions before slowly slipping into the keep-yourself-guarded/"I can't take another single line" arena.

As I mentioned previously, I partook in a fun science experiment called an IUI this month.  I did it naturally with no meds, mostly because I had no other choice, but also I liked the sound of it. Au Naturale.  So chic. 

Right now, I am 1 day past my second insemination and I have to say that it's already started. The questions, the thoughts, the rational and mostly irrational logic tumbling through my head. What should I do? What shouldn't I do? WHAT CAN I DO?!  What is the magic formula?

Like most other infertile chickees, I'll do the normal: cut out alcohol, consume less coffee, stress less, and find a good book or 3 to read whenever I find my mind wandering.  

I just want to "up" our chances and "do our best!"  But, is it really in our hands? Completely?  I wonder...

Sometimes I think that downing a jager bomb before boarding a plane to Vegas would be completely a-okay if I wasn't "trying" so hard.  So much of EVERYTHING in life is mental.  I mean, through the powers of my own brain within my head, I am able to actually give myself a stomach ache out of nowhere when I feel trapped someplace (elevator, traffic, auditorium, pedicure chair...R. Kelly's closet) for no reason!  This is proof that our mind is a tricky thing. It has magic powers.  

It's also why I'm working hard to find the calm, mental space that makes me feel good this month. Healthy. And like I'm not missing out on anything.  I want to find the completely un-desperate place where I feel like I want to live this way whether I was trying to achieve BFP status or not, no sacrifices.   Something along the lines of needing a 2 week cleanse from my otherwise hectic life.  

So, that's how I'm proceeding.  If it yields a big fat NO-WAY...then, at least I was super healthy and I read a few good books.  And as a backup, I already have plans for the night that aunt flow should decide to visit.   Date-night, complete with wine and good food in the city! And coffee (tons of it) in the morning!

And if the answer is positive...well, we'll just have to see!

Fingers crossed!

L

I am a specimen.

This morning I had to go to the Infertility Palace again just to "make sure" I wasn't taking my ovulation kit the wrong way (seriously?) and didn't already miss the big day of O.  Normally, I ovulate on Day 17...which is tomorrow and I tried explaining this to Doc, but she didn't want to "take a chance."  Obviously I didn't resist too much and went ahead.  Plus, who doesn't want to wake up at 5:50am on a Saturday?  

When I arrived I was ushered into a room to have bloodwork and ultrasounds taken immediately.  Lucky girl. I feel like a blood faucet lately.  Instead of "Hi, how are you," I'm just going to start holding my arm out because I'm pretty sure people only want my blood.  Or maybe I'm getting a complex. Just maybe.

I know that blood-letting is a necessary step for me because, well, they have no choice but to check my blood for all sorts of good stuff, but I can't help but HATE it. More and more each time. I think I'm programmed to rebel against the predictability.  Can't we switch things up once in a while?  Maybe try a leaching method?

I feel like such a specimen.  So much poking, prodding, talking about me in front of me. It's a strange world, this place of infertility.  A place where I need the doctors and nurses WAY more than they need me, so I have to put up with any old bedside manner they decide to throw my way.  And be grateful.  Which...ultimately I am. Very much so.

On the upside:

Tomorrow is natural IUI day, numero uno! I'm so excited! The doctor actually said, "wow, there it is!" when she saw my egg, so I'll take (what I can get) it as a good thing. Maybe it's the golden egg. We shall see!

Til tomorrow!

L

IUI: au naturale

So, after dreaming about a black egg and finding out that it has to do with both: fertility and feeling a loss of control, I made a decision on how I will proceed.  

IUI au naturale and onto IVF if I must.

I am going to be as aggressive as possible.  This means that since I cannot do anything with drugs this cycle following my hysteroscopy, I will be doing a Natural IUI.  They gave us the go-ahead to try "naturally" so I figure this is just going to give us an extra push.  If nothing else, I will know that I tried my darnedest. And even though motility isn't a problem for us, who knows...maybe this is what we've needed all along!

Tomorrow morning I go in for more bloodwork and an ultrasound. 

Stay tuned!

L