New Year, New Ideas

During this TTC journey, I have been adamant about living my life as normally as possible.  It has been a long road and I never wanted to change my life so drastically that I would look back and regret not hanging out with friends and family, canceling fun weekend trips or long vacations because of anything fertility related. I did not want infertility (while a MASSIVE part of my life) to run the show. Ultimately, I've had a good couple years.  

I've done things that have not only been fun but life changing.  Packing up an RV with two of our closest friends and driving across the country on an 18 day adventure of a lifetime WAS scary at first.  A part of me wanted to stay home, refrain from late nights, mark my days of ovulation and definitely stay away from the alcohol and bad foods. Thank goodness the other part of me was far more convincing.  The trip changed me...for the better.  And it also put 2012 on the map. In a good way. 

Here's the VIDEO.

So, now it's 2013.  What lies ahead? I don't know.  But I do know that I'm willing to make a big change in order to achieve our goal.  I've been wondering if hitting the occasional happy hour, dinner out, dinner in, party, and weekend trip filled with what most fertility sites would call too much wine could be hurting my chances.  I would never drink during my tww or even throughout most of my IVF cycles, but during those other two weeks or when a cycle has been canceled...forget it.  I let loose.

That's why, for the first time ever, I'm going to give up booze completely.  Usually my mind is constantly doing something I call Fertility Math to figure days that I can do things, can't do things, days that will affect my eggs for an IVF cycle, etc.  And yes, I am thinking well...it's January.  These eggs would be used in March (if the 3 month rule holds out).  Do I need good eggs in March? What if my FET works this month or next month? Then, it will all be for naught.  Oh well.  That's the chance I'm willing to take in 2013.  This year from January 1st through May 1st I will do my FIRST EVER full booze cleanse.  No cocktails...at all.  I will also work on achieving better and more sleep.  And sticking with acupuncture.

I know it's only my 4th day in, but I am already SOOO excited.

HERE'S TO AN AMAZING YEAR!
xoxo
L

A holiday party...after an egg retrieval?!

So, I wasn't going to write about this because it is quite possibly insane but here goes.  Every year, Jeff and I throw a holiday party on the Saturday before Christmas.  We LOVE it.  To us, it is the best part of our holiday season.  However, this year was looking like it would be a bit different.  When we thought about doing IVF for a second time, my sights were set on November.  Hilariously, I thought I would be pregnant for Christmas.  HAHAHA. Sorry, that made me laugh.

So, the plan was IVF in November, party in December.  But then I got cysts and my Day 1 was delayed.  Then, they decided to put me on a long lupron cycle rather than the antagonist one.  Soon, the days of December were quickly approaching and I realized that our party was set on a day that would surely be on my transfer day or a day or two after.  I would be on bed rest. OH NOOOO. 

The hubs and I put our two terribly dumb heads together and decided to move the party up a week.  Then, the party would fall around the time of the retrieval, which would be much more ideal.  RSVP's were coming our way as we decorated the house in jolly holiday decor.  Then, it was time to trigger and upon hearing the words, the hubs and I looked at eachother, thinking the same exact thing...

The retrieval and holiday party would be the same day.

At first, we panicked. But last time my retrieval was at 9am and I felt fine the rest of the day so I decided to keep the party going.  It wasn't until the nurse called me and scheduled me for a 2PM retrieval time that I straight up lost my shiz (but still didn't cancel the party). 

In the end, I was zonky and tired. Bloated and unable to suck in my belly.  Out of it and a bit off. BUT I did it!  Even if it was an insane idea in the first place. 

It all worked out.  Somehow.  I survived a night of hosting my best friends and family with little other than the energy from my multiple Gatorades that I had stashed in almost every room of the house. And it's a good thing that we had it because my transfer was the next weekend and now we're pregnant.  HAHAHA. Sorry again.  OF COURSE, my transfer was subsequently canceled so it would have been MUCH better to keep the original date, but we had no way of knowing that. 

Our tradition lives on and this year will be one I never ever ever ever forget.  Because I was crazy for having it in the first place.

We went from this...

To this...

My sister and I. Tube dresses are your friend after an egg retrieval.

Jeff with our bro in law and neph

How cute is this guy?  I love my nephew!

Jeff putting on our dogs Santa outfit.  Someone had to.

Merry Christmas, all!  And may the new year be filled with lots of health, happiness and babies!

xoxo
L

Symptoms

So, unlike most girls who make a list of pregnancy symptoms when they think they could possibly have a bun in the oven, I have a list of "non-pregnancy symptoms" that occur while I know 100% that I am not/could not possibly be preggers.

For instance, today I have the WORST heartburn.  When I say the "worst" I mean that it actually feels like there is a small pool of molten lava sitting in my throat waiting to spill out at all times.  If but a year prior, my younger, less jaded self would easily categorize this as a symptom.  However, I am going through IVF and definitely not with-child.  So, now I know....it's nothing.  And in turn, I now know that it is possible to have such out-of-nowhere discomfort without being pregnant.  

Symptoms like this one remind me that I cannot be fooled when it is time for the waiting game.  Those weird twinges in my belly last month that occured when I was not pregnant - normal.  That strange lower abdomen sensation - nothing again.  And what about that time I thought my eyesight spontaneously became razor sharp out of nowhere only to have me exclaiming wildly,  "IT MUST BE A BABY!" within the confines of my brain - Nope. Nada.

I think that I partly make this list of non-symptoms because I've reached a level of insanity that cannot be helped but also I think I do it for safety.  I can't bare to get my hopes up too much. Too often.

When we first started "trying" (I hate that term - ew) symptoms were actually quite fun.  

"Oh my God Jeff, I am SO nauseous!" 

or

"Some weird crap is going on in my stomach right now."  

Well, guess what? Weird crap = crap.  Bowel movements do not a child make.  Symptoms were a great way to secretly think I was about to get the greatest surprise of my life. Especially since they seemed to change EVERY SINGLE MONTH.  But like anything else that is done over and over again counting symptoms gets old.  Then desperate.  And finally, I just got straight up jaded (as if I need another thing to be jaded about!) as a result.  

When your girlfriend is like, "whoa, my sense of smell is crazy today...what if I'm pregnant?!" all Jaded Laura can ever say back is, "let's take a test," even when I should be saying something along the lines of, "OHMYGOD! YAAAAY! A BAYBEEEE!!!" or anything similar.  To me, I'd rather just know instead of enduring days filled with whimsical symptoms that could possibly mean zilch. I mean, why waste the time living in La La Land.  Right?

Holy smokes, I've just had a revelation:

I...think that I may be a symptom scrooge.

Being any kind of scrooge at this time of year is not cool. Hopefully it's just the meds talking. Seriously, tell me your symptoms, I won't bite. I promise! 

Right now I'm on 100 (down from 150) of Follistim, 5 units of Lupron, and 1 vial (down from 2) of Menopur.  Tonight will be night 10!  Almost at the end!!!!

xoxo
Laura

IVF Calendar, Part Deux

11/7 - Start AF, start BC

11/17 - Start Lupron 10units

11/21 - end BC

11/24 - Day 1

11/26 - Day 3 bloodwork/ultrasound & start 5units Lupron, 150 Menopur (2 vials), 150 Follistim

11/29 - Day 6 b/w & u/s. Meds stay the same. 14 on the left, 25 on the right.

12/1 - Day 8 the Doc said I was "plentiful." As usual, I will take what I can get compliment-wise.

12/3 - Day 10 - my biggest follie is 14. Change prescription to one Menopur and have to return tomorrow.

12/4 - Day 11 - I'm on the "daily plan," whoop whoop.  I have a few eggs at 16, but the rest are all smaller.  They believe my retrieval will be Saturday and they also think that given the amount of follicles, I may need to prep myself for OHSS. Booooo. OHSS will mean that I have a chance of freezing all eggs for a future FET. Double booo. Crossing my fingers for a happy outcome...that does not include cantalope sized ovaries and gallons of Gatorade ingestion. 

12/5 - Day 12 - Giving blood was not fun today. Instead of a "pinch," I most definitely felt a "stab."  As far as follicles go, I think I have a lot in there, but I think there is only 1 18mm one and all the rest are 16 and under.  I'm getting sooooo nervous.   

12/6 - Day 13 - I trigger tonight!!! My biggest follicle was 24, which seems like a lot for it to grow overnight.  I also had 2 20's, 2 19's, a few 18's and a lot less than that.  I HOPE THIS WORKS!!! 
updated to add: estrogen at 5399 - high 

12/7 - 2am - trigger with 1 Ovidrel shot.  

6am - B/w & u/s AGAIN.  Luckily, they were able to take blood from my left arm for once, so that was a pleasant surprise.  Still some fluid in my lining but lots of egg as well.  Not sure on Estrogen level yet. will post later... 

12/8 - Retrieval Day!!! They retrieve 31 eggs.

12/9 - We are told that 20 have fertilized normally without the need for ICSI. 

12/13 - Find out that the embryos are running a day behind schedule.  4 day 5 blasts are frozen for an upcoming FET in Feb (unless something opens sooner).
 

Dear....you.

Dear future child of mine, who has yet to show any sort of enthusiasm in being born,

When you think of your dear old mom and dad, can you spare me one favor?  

PLEASE.  Do not think of me being injected with copious amounts of medication.  Do not think of me laying on a doctor table every other day for months on end.  Do not think of me crying or spacing out, wishing for you.  Do not think of me as an IUI, IVF, Septum surgery, pee on a stick junky. 

Instead, PLEASE think of me and your pops like this:

drunk.

taking shots at the shore house with your Uncle and Grandma.

saving turtles from the middle of the road.

not knowing how to hold your cousin, Ben. but hoping he loves me anyway.

laughing at baby showers.

laughing.

not even knowing what to do with a boo boo bunny.

Getting our faces painted at SeaWorld after 3 BudLight Limes too many.

hiding under a box with some wine.

traveling. all over.

San Diego!

Italia

Roma!

Venice

Mallorca, Spain

Santa Monica, CA

Skiing...somewhere

18 day cross country RV trip!

And please think of us with your furry older brother.  Because he is awesome.

PLEASE, think of us in this way, because honestly...other than this slight hiatus (i hope!) of infertility-dom...this is who we are. 

xoxo
L

Here we go again...

It's officially happening!  We're doing it again!

The pharmacy called to confirm all of my meds that will be shipped shortly and I have to say, I'm pretty excited.  Of course in 3 weeks, I'll probably be pacing the finish off of our wood floors, but for now, I can't help but think, THIS IS IT!!!!  God, I hope so.

Here we go again,
L

Oh and BTW, my cysts weren't that serious. THANK GOODNESS.  Apparently, they are just little trickster ninja's that make people feel pregnant and delay periods, which to an infertile girl is pretty heartless.  Bastards.

A Cyst. Seriously?!

So, as I previously wrote, the hubs and I decided to run for the hills after our botched IVF attempt.  We left our cozy home, fled to NYC and enjoyed a month of easy peasy commuting, friends, comedy clubs, happy hours and good food.  It was a unique time in our lives.  Something I don't see us doing for quite this long ever again.  It was our month off. Our month of "happy."

And it was...but as you know, wanting a child isn't something that can just go away for a month.  The thought is always there. Waiting in the wings. Waiting for attention.

So, here is a a little background about my cycles. They're near exact everytime.  Day 17 to day 19 = ovulate.  Luteal phase - 10 to 11 days long.  Every time. 

This month we (I) decided to try the SMEP method (google it, it's easy).  At this stage in the game, there was no way I'd just throw a month in the garbage and I figured doing more than the every-other-day thing would be better for us considering the morphology problem we've faced in the past.  Why not?!  I used ovulation predictors and we were on our way. 

My ovulation was a bit on the late side, at cycle day 19, but we were prepared.  Onward, we went.  Finally we had successfully completed and graduated with our SMEP certificate of achievment.  All that was left to do was wait for 11 days.  Of course they slowly but surely crept up and through squinted eyes and clenched fists, I realized that nothing was happening. No cramping, no soreness in my chest, no backaches.  No period.  I could not believe it.  Then, I started to feel fatigued. I tasted metal under my tongue.  Aches in my back.  And twinges began to nip at the inside of my stomach.  Could it be?

I secretly tested at 1 day past my missed period and quickly received the ever-present single line.  Another BFN. I could handle it.  I always do.  Except that this time...I really felt off...and it wasn't my imagination.  I tested every day for 5 days, until I finally called the nurse at my Infertility palace. My luteal phase is never off. She knew this was weird. We set up an appt for today.  Blood test and ultrasound.  The usual.

Well, guess what?  I was right.  I am "off" and I am late.  It was not my imagination. But this equation does not always equal a baby apparently.  I should have known...

Take one guess as to who has yet another roadblock standing between herself and a second cycle of IVF. 

I'll give you a hint: she has a blog.

Turns out that I have generated multiple luteal cysts.  MULTIPLE. From one single cycle of IVF.  I hate to complain. Especially at a time where my parents are worried about losing their home to Hurricane Sandy, all four of us are living under 1 roof with no power and countless people lost so much more.  But I can't help but feel sad.  Again. 

Like all things...this too shall pass.
L

 

Acupuncture.

Anxiety/Infertility.

Those are my biggest hurdles.  That's why when work had me over-the-top stressed out today, I decided it was time to start doing acupuncture.  My stomach is weak and my gut fills with acid when I feel like I did today.  It can not be good for building a healthy home for a baby and I have to do everything I can in my power to get this baby living in my home...so that's what's up. L + Acupuncture = awesomeness.  And now that my 2 and a half hour visit is over, I can really say with confidence that this is perfect for me.  If not for my fertility...for me.  I love natural healing!

While I'm living in the city this month, I'll go back at least 3 to 4 more times (I've already scheduled my next two visits!) and I think I'll come back even when I go home.  I really liked her. She was so knowledgeable and even though I kinda treated her like a therapist (oopsie), I think she reeeally knows her stuff. 

Cheers to another new and exciting infertility adventure! 
L

Fertility Yoga!

I'm totally trying this!

http://www.yoga4fertility.com/yoga4fertility/poses.html

xoxo
L

Nothing.

I feel pretty dead inside right now.  I've already cried more than I have in the past 12 months put together and now I'm just existing.  Feeling numb.  Tired.  Tomorrow should have been my transfer, but it has been canceled.  IVF should have resulted in a baby this month, but it won't.  I should have healthy eggs since I'm not even 30 yet, but it doesn't seem to be that way.  Out of the 19 eggs retrieved, 16 have arrested, 2 are morulas (which they believe will not make it to freeze) and one is 'almost' a blastocyst.

I'm 29. Why?  

If the almost blasto can make it to freeze, it will be freezed tomorrow. I hope it makes it, but nothing sounds promising at the moment.  All that work.  All that money.  Over.  I can't believe it.

I'm not sure what the next step will be for us. I think that we will still escape our troubles for the month of October and work/live in the city.  Maybe we can do another IVF cycle in November to get better eggs.  Maybe.  

This is so tiring. I'm tired. 

Wedding Receptions and Medicine Injections

So, a college friend of mine got married this weekend.  It was a lovely affair, filled with people I haven't seen in ages, good food, great music and menopur injections in the parking lot.  Boy, have times changed. 

The hubs and I drove to the venue (and parked far from the entrance) to ensure a safe place to sit and administer the mixing of medications and injections. Plus, we had to keep them in a cooler and thought lugging that on the shuttle from the hotel to the party would be a little obvious...and weird. 

I was nervous ALL DAY.  Something about these medications have my stomach and nerves going at all times.  It seemed like the day of the wedding was the day that a lot of side effects hit me - mostly nonstop stomach aches and a dull headache, so I was nervous as to how this would all play out. 

Turns out - our undercover mission went great!  No need for all of the stress. My nightly medicine time is 9:30pm and luckily most partygoers were tipsy by then.  Thank goodness.  We ended up making our stealth exit at 10pm-ish and were back to party within 30 minutes (we're still a little slow at this).  Only one person even asked where we went and I said that I had a stomach ache.  I have had IBS for pretty much my whole life, so this was extreeeemely believable.

I'm SO happy that we were able to pull it off. Yay us!

Onto the side effects.  I'm 6 nights of medicine in and this is what I've felt so far:

tender lower stomach/it feels bruised
slightly bloated
2 days of headaches
stomach aches for a couple days/could be IBS related, not sure.
and slightly more hungry

That's all so far! I have another appt tomorrow and I can't wait to hear what they say.  Yesterday, they said that I have 30 small eggs (16 on one side and 14 on the other) with my progesterone and estrogen levels seeming good.  They're also keeping me on the same amount of meds (150 follistim and 1 menopur). Yay!

Ouch.

I don't know if my husband is just seriously bad at his task as the injectables injector, but HOLY SMOKES do these things hurt.  Mostly just the Menopur.

My nurse told me that I could mix the Menopur and Follistim together to endure but one injection and originally I thought, "nah! I'll be fine!" but I'm going to ask her to re-explain at my Day 6 appointment tomorrow morning.  Right now, we're not confident enough to do the injections without following the video online (where they don't mix), but I really think one injection would be better than dos.

There is so much to keep track of with IVF. 

I've canceled most nighttime plans this month (that are to take place during our 9:30 injection date) and most early morning obligations (that take place during my 3 million doctor appts), but I still have a wedding to attend this Saturday and it's a state away.  Basically this means that the hubs and I will have to keep the meds cold in the car and hotel AND perform the injection during the reception or way too early or late.  I cannot wait to see how we manage this.  I'm sure it will end either hysterically, painfully, or with someone thinking that we're doing drugs in the bathroom stall. Crap.

Til then!
L

IVF is not playing around

Yeah...this isn't intimidating at all.

eek!

Claustrophobia + 2hr MRI = Crying & a CT Scan

So much for the last post.  

Fact: I freaked out and did not go through with my MRI today.

Here's how the day went - 

I woke up super early to eat some toast before going on with my day of fasting.  No food for 8 hours before the MRI to ensure clear pictures.  Great.  My sister picked me up along with my adorable 2 year old nephew to take me to the imaging center.  I signed in and pumped myself up. I was so ready.  

Then, I waited. And waited. For an hour. As someone with anxiety...it's never good to wait.

Finally, I was taken back, given a robe and told to wait for the person before me to finish.  It was during that time that things got crazy.  The imaging tech was spouting off a laundry list (including swallowing some liquid?) of what I was about to undergo and I thought, "Wow, that sounds like an awful lot to do."  I told her how I how excited I was to eat after this whole ordeal was finito, to which she laughed (nicely) and replied, "You'll really be excited for that when we're done in a couple hours."

I started to shake.  The machine's noise was already rattling my nerves.  And from where I was sitting (right outside of the MRI room), it looked dark, old and plain scary.  I had figured I'd be in the tube for 30 minutes...not a couple of hours.  To someone with a 'feeling trapped' problem, this was breaking me down.  My mind was spiraling.

I replayed the original conversation with my RE about having either a Renal Ultrasound or MRI to check the "collecting system" for any abnormalities.  She had said "either one would be fine", but handed me a rx for the MRI.  I knew the ultrasound would have been quick and painless, so why was the MRI so different?  By this point I was also on hour 10ish of not eating which did not help. I decided to rush to my locker, grab my phone, and call my doctor.  I explained that I was freaking out, claustrophobic and while they most certainly believed I was an insane person, they helped me come up with an alternate plan of action. 

Long story short, my doctor talked to the head radiologist working at the imaging center and they decided I should move forward with a CT scan.  I would have a 15 minute scan with dye injected through an IV.  FIFTEEN MINUTES.  I know when to take a good deal and did so right away.  

The ct scan was a cinch.  The dye was weird as I totally felt like I was peeing my pants when it went through my body, but it was not bad or painful (other than the needle).  Oh, and it sent a metallic taste into my mouth.  The whole thing was over in 15 minutes.  I was/am SO grateful for such amazing techs/nurses/doctors who were willing to work with me and my psychosis. 

I will most definitely be calling my RE tomorrow to thank her for helping me out today.  It was really the first time during this entire process that I didn't feel like a number or statistic. And it was nice. Really.

~All's well that ends well~
L

Normal thyroid, but not normal enough.

One day, I will enter casa de infertility and they will tell me some good news.  Or that I'm not even a girl at all.  That would actually really explain some things.

So not only do I need a RENAL ultrasound (sound funny to anyone else?) or MRI to make sure that I have two kidney's, but I also have to start taking thyroid medication.  Something called, levithoeieroiuweroiweur...or something like that.  In the words of my nurse, my thyroid level is fine, but it's just a little bit not perfect and they want me in that 'perfect' place in the event that a baby should set up residence in my belly. It helps against miscarriage as well.

Oh, and the renal ultrasound thing is just because of my septum.  People with septums could have other abnormalities, so yeah.  Good news all around!

I cannot stress enough that my entire life, I wanted to be different.  I LOVE when I feel different or weird.  But this is getting crazy, people.  I would like just a teaspoon of normalcy from now on.  Is that too much to ask?

Onto my BIGGEST MISTAKE EVER (this month):

Drinking with my new meds.  Don't do it.  As someone who hasn't even taken an advil or tylenol for years (other than before my HSG), I am not used to being on medication.  So, as I mentioned before, I planned on having a party night with Auntie Flow's arrival.  I figured I could given the calendar of upcoming events.  Boy...oh boy...was I wrong.  

Wine and thyroid medication do not mix.  At least for me.  Normally, my tolerance is that of an Irish Lordsman or King (or the girl versions).  I can drink with the best of them.  Well, not anymore.  Especially since they want me on this stuff forever and a day.  No more wine for this wanna-be momma!

And don't quote me on the thyroid med being my poison.  Maybe I also ate a bad piece of pasta. Who knows.  All I know is that I ate what I normally eat, took evil medicine, drank chardonnay nay, and vomited all day day.

Sorry if this post was all over the place.  Sometimes I'm just crazy like that.

xxxx

L

Two Week Wait - Natural IUI

I've given this a lot of thought and have decided that the two week waiting period between giving "it" our all and finding out whether it worked or not totally sucks.  I realize that it must be so different for everyone. So so very different.  And for every different person, I have to think that every month is also very different.  Usually starting with the hopeful/"I don't even care if it happens this month" emotions before slowly slipping into the keep-yourself-guarded/"I can't take another single line" arena.

As I mentioned previously, I partook in a fun science experiment called an IUI this month.  I did it naturally with no meds, mostly because I had no other choice, but also I liked the sound of it. Au Naturale.  So chic. 

Right now, I am 1 day past my second insemination and I have to say that it's already started. The questions, the thoughts, the rational and mostly irrational logic tumbling through my head. What should I do? What shouldn't I do? WHAT CAN I DO?!  What is the magic formula?

Like most other infertile chickees, I'll do the normal: cut out alcohol, consume less coffee, stress less, and find a good book or 3 to read whenever I find my mind wandering.  

I just want to "up" our chances and "do our best!"  But, is it really in our hands? Completely?  I wonder...

Sometimes I think that downing a jager bomb before boarding a plane to Vegas would be completely a-okay if I wasn't "trying" so hard.  So much of EVERYTHING in life is mental.  I mean, through the powers of my own brain within my head, I am able to actually give myself a stomach ache out of nowhere when I feel trapped someplace (elevator, traffic, auditorium, pedicure chair...R. Kelly's closet) for no reason!  This is proof that our mind is a tricky thing. It has magic powers.  

It's also why I'm working hard to find the calm, mental space that makes me feel good this month. Healthy. And like I'm not missing out on anything.  I want to find the completely un-desperate place where I feel like I want to live this way whether I was trying to achieve BFP status or not, no sacrifices.   Something along the lines of needing a 2 week cleanse from my otherwise hectic life.  

So, that's how I'm proceeding.  If it yields a big fat NO-WAY...then, at least I was super healthy and I read a few good books.  And as a backup, I already have plans for the night that aunt flow should decide to visit.   Date-night, complete with wine and good food in the city! And coffee (tons of it) in the morning!

And if the answer is positive...well, we'll just have to see!

Fingers crossed!

L

No Toys in the Waiting Room.

Walking into my Palace de Infertility this morning, I happened upon something quite strange.  A woman in the far corner of the waiting room was seated with a miniature person <gasp!> on her lap.  Holy smokes, could that be...? A CHILD!  At first glance, I thought, "Wow, that kid is really good."  No crying, no screaming, no restlessness (which is more than I can say for myself in that place). Just sitting, buckled into mommy's lap and staring ahead at the new people surrounding her.

Choosing a seat, I was struck suddenly by two thoughts:

-This is the first time in ALL of my visits that I have seen a child (or even a pregnancy) in the waiting room.

And then...

-There are no toys here. No toy corner. No playroom. No children's book nook or Highlights magazine. Nothing.

I mean, I understand that the reason we're here is because we can't have babies, but it's still alarming to notice once again...this is not normal. Once again, I am in an abnormal setting that most people would find odd.  I wondered if secondary infertile people leave their kid at home for all visits or if friends with kids are forced to do the same when accompanying a friend.  I don't know.  Yes, the no kid-zone is a good place to read a book, but it's also eery.

This is an infertility clinic, where EVERY single patron signing in is hoping and praying for a child.  They want kids. All of them. Every last one.  This isn't some adult club where we hang a sign on the door reading, "No kids allowed." And yet, there has never been a child, baby or pregnant person visible in any of my 9 thousand visits. I'd never even noticed.  How ironic.

~L

I am a specimen.

This morning I had to go to the Infertility Palace again just to "make sure" I wasn't taking my ovulation kit the wrong way (seriously?) and didn't already miss the big day of O.  Normally, I ovulate on Day 17...which is tomorrow and I tried explaining this to Doc, but she didn't want to "take a chance."  Obviously I didn't resist too much and went ahead.  Plus, who doesn't want to wake up at 5:50am on a Saturday?  

When I arrived I was ushered into a room to have bloodwork and ultrasounds taken immediately.  Lucky girl. I feel like a blood faucet lately.  Instead of "Hi, how are you," I'm just going to start holding my arm out because I'm pretty sure people only want my blood.  Or maybe I'm getting a complex. Just maybe.

I know that blood-letting is a necessary step for me because, well, they have no choice but to check my blood for all sorts of good stuff, but I can't help but HATE it. More and more each time. I think I'm programmed to rebel against the predictability.  Can't we switch things up once in a while?  Maybe try a leaching method?

I feel like such a specimen.  So much poking, prodding, talking about me in front of me. It's a strange world, this place of infertility.  A place where I need the doctors and nurses WAY more than they need me, so I have to put up with any old bedside manner they decide to throw my way.  And be grateful.  Which...ultimately I am. Very much so.

On the upside:

Tomorrow is natural IUI day, numero uno! I'm so excited! The doctor actually said, "wow, there it is!" when she saw my egg, so I'll take (what I can get) it as a good thing. Maybe it's the golden egg. We shall see!

Til tomorrow!

L

IUI: au naturale

So, after dreaming about a black egg and finding out that it has to do with both: fertility and feeling a loss of control, I made a decision on how I will proceed.  

IUI au naturale and onto IVF if I must.

I am going to be as aggressive as possible.  This means that since I cannot do anything with drugs this cycle following my hysteroscopy, I will be doing a Natural IUI.  They gave us the go-ahead to try "naturally" so I figure this is just going to give us an extra push.  If nothing else, I will know that I tried my darnedest. And even though motility isn't a problem for us, who knows...maybe this is what we've needed all along!

Tomorrow morning I go in for more bloodwork and an ultrasound. 

Stay tuned!

L

Post-Op Appt (Post Septum Removal)

So, the post-op appointment today went well. Doc did an ultrasound and confirmed that yes, my uterus has been successfully cleared of a septum that seemed to go on and on for days.  It was huge and now it's bare.  All that is left is a tiny heart shaped cleft...which is fine. Doc said most women have this. Phew.

As for everything else, I'm good to very good. The only thing that seems a tad on the high side is my FSH levels which are at a 9.  Hopefully it's just some freak reading from with my Day 3 bloodwork because it does seem insanely high for my age, but regardless...they told me not to worry. So I shan't.  I can just keep it in the back of my mind. Now...

WHAT COMES NEXT?!

After the past 12 months of annoyingness (aka: peeing in cups, peeing on sticks, taking my temperature, charting, downing vinegar and pineapple, etc) yielding nothingness I know that I will not be trying naturally for a while. Yes my septum could have decreased blood flow and made it harder to get pregnant all that time, but I still could have. Yet I didn't.  At the end of the day, I am still an infertile mertile so let's just get 'er done already. Or as my high school cheerleading squad would squawk:  Let's "Be aggressive. B-E Aggressive!" (B-E  A-G-G-R-E-S...ok, ok).  These are my choices:

IUI

IVF

IUI has multiple options attached to it. 

Natural

w/oral meds (clomid, etc)

w/injectibles 

Hmmm...

This is a tough choice.  I wanted to go with IUI for sure before this appointment. It would take up less insurance money and I figured that an IUI with injectibles would give me a great shot.  Plus, Doc semi-confirmed that as far as IUI's go, this would be my best shot. According to her, there was no need to take Clomid as I'd never missed an ovulation.  

However, nothing is ever that simple with me.  Apparently I have a ton of follicles.  This is a problem only because of the injectibles.  They could make me create loads of eggs and follicles and if that happens,  they won't proceed with the IUI to avoid an Octo-Mom outcome. Crikey.  I hate the thought of any month being cancelled.

During this conversation, Doc explained just how the whole process with injectibles works...she even showed me the shot-gun (bang) that I'd have to use.  In a nut shell, it ain't easy.  It's tons of work. Lots of shots. Lots of doctor visits. And not that high of a success rate.  Other than the hormone meds being lower than IVF and no egg retrieval, it sounded just as intense as a round of IVF.

Now, do I go with the plan that has a higher success rate and lower rate of being cancelled?  BUT is slightly more invasive and way more costly? That's the question I'm dealing with.  If I have a ton of follicles and may have to cancel a medicated IUI round, I'll be pissed at wasting time.  After doing this jig for a year, I can't just sit a month out of the game.  Mentally, I just can't.

It seems clear after writing this, to move on with IVF but I'm still not convinced. So many hormones. Ugh.  Fortunately (or unfortunately) I did find out in this meeting that the 10 days of birth control I was on for my surgery restarted my clock.  This means that I can't move forward with a medicated IUI or IVF this month anyway, so I guess I have some time to think about it.  

Hopefully everything becomes a little clearer in the next day or so. 

til then...

L