10 Weeks.

We are TEN weeks!  Officially entering the fetal period!  How exciting is that?!!!!!  AAAAAHHHH!

There's a baby in there!  Also, nice armpit.

Damn hanger strap. Showing in every picture. I blame the photographer. Thanks for telling me, JEFF!

Giving serious elbow.

Feeling: Worry and impatience for unnecessary ultrasounds (aka reassurance). This week, my goal is to believe in my body and this pregnancy just like they used to in the good old days before the internet filled every expectant mother with fear. 

I asked my Mom how she used to truck along productively without constant fear gripping her (and they didn't even HAVE ultrasounds back then) to which she said, "We didn't know any better then.  We just figured that when you got pregnant, you would most likely have a baby."  Interesting.  So, they didn't get pregnant and then naturally assume that every horrific thing under the sun would happen to them?  Weird!

I need to work on that:)

Symptoms: This week hasn't been bad.  A couple nauseating moments, a handful of headaches, some seriously bad moods, hunger pains after not eating for 2 hours, and a little bit of cramping and twinges. Still no boob pain or vomiting.

Weight: I am up another pound...making it (2) total so far.  It is super noticeable too, as my pants are fitting snugger than a bug in a rug and hate being buttoned.  I am turning into a leggings kinda girl.

What I Miss: Nothing!

Doctor Appointment: Our next appointment is set for the 25th. It will be our 12 week nuchal at the hospital.

Looking Forward To:  Leaving for a mini road trip with 2 of our friends this Thursday and I am so excited!  We just found out yesterday that my girlfriend is also pregnant so the two of us can make the men run around and fetch food for us the whole time! Also I'm really just looking forward to a fun week that will help the time the fly.  


xoxo
L

Progesterone Levels & Bedrest

Every time I'm expecting a call from the infertility Gods (my nurse), I feel like a needy high school girl waiting for her crush to call. I carry my phone around everywhere, waiting, waiting, waiting.  Of course I don't think "Will they call?!" because hello, I'm paying them and they better but I'm still scared to take a shower or get the mail.  What if I miss the call?!  

I could just call back, I know.  But the return call could TAKE HOURS and that, my friends, would be a travesty.  Especially when it's the one thing to look forward to all day.

Clearly, bed-rest has done me no service.  I'm losing my mind over here.  The biggest thing to happen to me today was going to the doctor and then receiving a call from them hours later. It isn't pretty.  But, you know what is? My estrogen and progesterone levels. Thank heavens!

They'd like my estrogen above 100, I'm at 145.
They'd like my progesterone above 10, I'm at 27. 

Now, since I'm banning myself from infertility-googling (a horribe sickness that I contracted the moment I received my infertility membership badge) this week, I have no idea if these levels are ACTUALLY good.  I have to just TRUST my nurse...instead of the 9 bazillion people out in cyberspace who clearly know more than all of us.

7.5 days to go! 

P.S. Am I allowed to shower yet?

New Year, New Ideas

During this TTC journey, I have been adamant about living my life as normally as possible.  It has been a long road and I never wanted to change my life so drastically that I would look back and regret not hanging out with friends and family, canceling fun weekend trips or long vacations because of anything fertility related. I did not want infertility (while a MASSIVE part of my life) to run the show. Ultimately, I've had a good couple years.  

I've done things that have not only been fun but life changing.  Packing up an RV with two of our closest friends and driving across the country on an 18 day adventure of a lifetime WAS scary at first.  A part of me wanted to stay home, refrain from late nights, mark my days of ovulation and definitely stay away from the alcohol and bad foods. Thank goodness the other part of me was far more convincing.  The trip changed me...for the better.  And it also put 2012 on the map. In a good way. 

Here's the VIDEO.

So, now it's 2013.  What lies ahead? I don't know.  But I do know that I'm willing to make a big change in order to achieve our goal.  I've been wondering if hitting the occasional happy hour, dinner out, dinner in, party, and weekend trip filled with what most fertility sites would call too much wine could be hurting my chances.  I would never drink during my tww or even throughout most of my IVF cycles, but during those other two weeks or when a cycle has been canceled...forget it.  I let loose.

That's why, for the first time ever, I'm going to give up booze completely.  Usually my mind is constantly doing something I call Fertility Math to figure days that I can do things, can't do things, days that will affect my eggs for an IVF cycle, etc.  And yes, I am thinking well...it's January.  These eggs would be used in March (if the 3 month rule holds out).  Do I need good eggs in March? What if my FET works this month or next month? Then, it will all be for naught.  Oh well.  That's the chance I'm willing to take in 2013.  This year from January 1st through May 1st I will do my FIRST EVER full booze cleanse.  No cocktails...at all.  I will also work on achieving better and more sleep.  And sticking with acupuncture.

I know it's only my 4th day in, but I am already SOOO excited.

HERE'S TO AN AMAZING YEAR!
xoxo
L

Eggie energy

So, as I'm gearing up for my FET this month, I've been dissecting the past two IVF cycles...and even a little before that. 

In July of 2012 when I was gearing up for my August IUI, we found out that the hubs may have a MFI problemo.  A problem of the morphology kind.  So starting in early August, he began to take Fertility Blend for Men.  IUI failed, so in September we moved on...but he continued with his pills.

 The first IVF 'antagonist' cycle resulted in: 19 eggs retrieved, 14 mature, 7 fertilized, ending in no transfer but a frozen:

(1) day 6 - 6BB blast.

--Due to the lack of fertilization, the hubs ups his dosage, sticks with his handful of walnuts a day (chinese medicine) and gives up caffeine.  Also, we hope that since FB has been in his system for a few months things will improve. They do.

My second long lupron cycle resulted in: 31 eggs retrieved, 22 mature, 20 fertillized, 6 day 5 blasts.  One 6CD and one 6DD blast are discarded leaving us with no transfer once again, but 4 frozens:

(2) 5BC
(1) 6CC
(1) 6CB blasts.

In total, I have 5 blasts 'on ice'.  Of course, superficially this sounds fantastic.  But by digging deeper, I feel that my egg quality is lacking. Why can't my embryos make it to blast on day 5?  Why do they always need an extra day?  My FSH level is high for my age at a 9...but then again my doctor says that this number changes constantly and not to get too caught up in it. 

What I can get caught up in though is the grades of my blasts and the fact that so many seem to be lacking energy.  Some clinics throw away a 6CC.  After researching it, I've decided that I need a plan should all of these blasts/FET's fail due to egg quality.  I bought some CoQ10 and have decided this. I will do an FET in January and February. Should they fail or become cancelled, I will give up all things (wine!!) unhealthy/acidic for March, April, and May.  Also, I will take the CoQ10 and continue going to acupuncture.  Hopefully this will make for a super healthy batch of eggs in late May/early June.  I just wish my doctor had told me about CoQ10 sooner.  I mean, it's been FOREVER that I could have been doing it for.  I hate all this trial and error!  Ugh.

So there you have it. Another day, another plan.  I am SOOO looking forward to 2013...

Day 1!

Yay, it's officially Day 1!  

I feel weird being so excited about moving forward with this cycle of IVF, but I totally am. Even though every month has been a dissapointment thus far, I can't help but feel good about moving forward THIS time.  Everything about this whole process just DRAGS sometimes.  Waiting for this, waiting for that. Getting your period, starting birth control, starting Lupron, then getting your period AGAIN...before you even get to Day 1.  It's a lot for one girl to handle.  And now, I at least know my tentative dates for the whole cycle, which is a relief.  I go in on Monday morning (before catching a 7:30am train to work, blegh) for Day 3 b/w & u/s and then, hopefully begin with all of my million injections. 

Also, I've been on Lupron for 7 days now (tonight will be my 8th) and I have to say that it isn't as bad as I thought it would be initally.  It's not great.  It definitely causes headaches, which my RE forewarned me about, (and MAJOR hunger pangs) but all of the loopy, tired weird side effects have been pretty manageable. AKA: I haven't been comitted.

xoxo
L

Books I've Read during TWW...

Okay, so as I mentioned, I've been trying a new thing where I read books instead of thinking too much about this God-awful two week wait.  So far, so good.  Here are the books I've consumed thus far:

Best Friends Forever - Jennifer Weiner

*I'm not the biggest Jennifer Weiner fan, but picked this up at my local bookstore when I only had a few minutes before dinner and couldn't find anything else to tickle my fancy.  Turns out, I really enjoyed her writing this time around. BFF has a great storyline, with great characters.  I personally think that the one best friend's hilarious moments (bank robbery scene) make up for other oddities, such as the cop's creepy obsession with children television shows and the over-the-top religious chick.  Worth your time!

Where we Belong - Emily Giffin

*I've been obsessed with Emily Giffin since she wrote "Something Borrowed" and "Something Blue."  I mean, those books were epic.  So epic, in fact, that I've been waiting like crazy for another one of her books to make me feel the same way.  Hasn't happened yet.  So far, every one of her books has the same interesting-enough storyline, relate-able characters and way too abrupt ending.  Even so, you almost always know that things will turn out well for her characters.  She's a feel good writer...and subsequently, I usually feel good after reading her writing.  

 

Pandemonium - Lauren Oliver (second book in Delirium series)

*I've only just begun this one, but it is GOOD.  Really really good. Yes, it's a young adult read, but my Mom used to work in a bookstore and got me to read an advanced copy of Oliver's, "Before I Fall" and I was hooked.  If you can only read one of her books, read that one.  I guarantee you'll end up like me in the Young Adult section of your bookstore, anxious for the next one.

TWW:

Only a few more days left in this wait (I'm 9 dpiui) and even though my brain has conjured up some serious "symptoms" this month, I'm not confident AT ALL.  How can anybody be?  One symptom that most girls admit to feeling is a "tugging" or "pulling" in their side and I haven't, so that is what I'm going with.  This whole thing is so crazy.  All I can do is KNOW that it will indeed happen.  Some day...

Two Week Wait - Natural IUI

I've given this a lot of thought and have decided that the two week waiting period between giving "it" our all and finding out whether it worked or not totally sucks.  I realize that it must be so different for everyone. So so very different.  And for every different person, I have to think that every month is also very different.  Usually starting with the hopeful/"I don't even care if it happens this month" emotions before slowly slipping into the keep-yourself-guarded/"I can't take another single line" arena.

As I mentioned previously, I partook in a fun science experiment called an IUI this month.  I did it naturally with no meds, mostly because I had no other choice, but also I liked the sound of it. Au Naturale.  So chic. 

Right now, I am 1 day past my second insemination and I have to say that it's already started. The questions, the thoughts, the rational and mostly irrational logic tumbling through my head. What should I do? What shouldn't I do? WHAT CAN I DO?!  What is the magic formula?

Like most other infertile chickees, I'll do the normal: cut out alcohol, consume less coffee, stress less, and find a good book or 3 to read whenever I find my mind wandering.  

I just want to "up" our chances and "do our best!"  But, is it really in our hands? Completely?  I wonder...

Sometimes I think that downing a jager bomb before boarding a plane to Vegas would be completely a-okay if I wasn't "trying" so hard.  So much of EVERYTHING in life is mental.  I mean, through the powers of my own brain within my head, I am able to actually give myself a stomach ache out of nowhere when I feel trapped someplace (elevator, traffic, auditorium, pedicure chair...R. Kelly's closet) for no reason!  This is proof that our mind is a tricky thing. It has magic powers.  

It's also why I'm working hard to find the calm, mental space that makes me feel good this month. Healthy. And like I'm not missing out on anything.  I want to find the completely un-desperate place where I feel like I want to live this way whether I was trying to achieve BFP status or not, no sacrifices.   Something along the lines of needing a 2 week cleanse from my otherwise hectic life.  

So, that's how I'm proceeding.  If it yields a big fat NO-WAY...then, at least I was super healthy and I read a few good books.  And as a backup, I already have plans for the night that aunt flow should decide to visit.   Date-night, complete with wine and good food in the city! And coffee (tons of it) in the morning!

And if the answer is positive...well, we'll just have to see!

Fingers crossed!

L

No Toys in the Waiting Room.

Walking into my Palace de Infertility this morning, I happened upon something quite strange.  A woman in the far corner of the waiting room was seated with a miniature person <gasp!> on her lap.  Holy smokes, could that be...? A CHILD!  At first glance, I thought, "Wow, that kid is really good."  No crying, no screaming, no restlessness (which is more than I can say for myself in that place). Just sitting, buckled into mommy's lap and staring ahead at the new people surrounding her.

Choosing a seat, I was struck suddenly by two thoughts:

-This is the first time in ALL of my visits that I have seen a child (or even a pregnancy) in the waiting room.

And then...

-There are no toys here. No toy corner. No playroom. No children's book nook or Highlights magazine. Nothing.

I mean, I understand that the reason we're here is because we can't have babies, but it's still alarming to notice once again...this is not normal. Once again, I am in an abnormal setting that most people would find odd.  I wondered if secondary infertile people leave their kid at home for all visits or if friends with kids are forced to do the same when accompanying a friend.  I don't know.  Yes, the no kid-zone is a good place to read a book, but it's also eery.

This is an infertility clinic, where EVERY single patron signing in is hoping and praying for a child.  They want kids. All of them. Every last one.  This isn't some adult club where we hang a sign on the door reading, "No kids allowed." And yet, there has never been a child, baby or pregnant person visible in any of my 9 thousand visits. I'd never even noticed.  How ironic.

~L

Sad Music.

I'm definitely a person that likes a sad song when I feel sad.  Lyrics have a great healing power for me. It's like having a conversation with someone who completely understands without actually having to talk.

This song is perfect:

Coldplay - Fix You.

However, make sure to follow up with this:

FUN - We Are Young.

xoxo
L

BFN

Big. Fat. Negative.

I hate BFN's. I hate having to see so many of them, I hate the whole process before inevitably seeing one, and I hate how I feel after seeing one.  In one way, it's great to have confirmation that you can have a cup of coffee or a glass of wine, but in another it's just a Big. Fat. Disappointment.

Today was another BFN day and I can't help but be sad (even if I do have a Terribly shaped uterus to make pregnancy even more awesome when it comes).  I guess I just hoped that this month would be different because I'd had my HSG.  They're supposedly great at flushing people out and I figured that was probably all my uterus needed.  A good cleaning.

During this whole journey, I've felt so many things.  For the first 3 months, I felt 100 percent a-okay with my BFN status.  Really.  I figured I needed more time to mentally prepare anyway.  Plus, I was never a straight-A student or perfectionist.  Most good things in my life have come as the result of hard work.  So, that's how I intended to go about this.  Easier said than done.  

After my 4th and 5th lonesome pink line, the BFN's started to eat away at me a little more.  I felt/feel in denial a lot.  Like the tests may be broken or that maybe I'm going to be that person who gets their aunt flow for 2 months, along with maintaining my BFN-ness, but are STILL pregnant somehow.  Welcome to my fantasy land.

Honestly though, as I sit here typing this I still feel so hopeful for everything to work out perfectly.  Every month, I still feel like THIS is the month.  I think of a million reasons why the next month is even better than the last.  So I guess today's depression will pass as it always does.  Especially since next month is it.  Right?

xoxo

Torn

I feel torn today.

Yes, I just recently found out that I have a problem with my uterus.  Yes, it's T-shaped and not the best shape for holding a baby to term.   Yes, I will now always worry if I am even lucky enough to get pregnant.  Will I even be lucky enough to get pregnant?

I have a very small close group of girlfriends that I've scooped through every phase of my life.  I tell them everything.  However, when I envisioned started a family, I never envisioned this.  I figured that I would pee on a stick, see a big fat positive sign, jump up and down and call every close friend and immediate family member.  I always knew that I would tell them right away because if anything went wrong, I didn't want to share 2 pieces of news.  I wanted them to be on the ride with me, just as I would want to be with them.

However, now that I know this information about my risky uterus, I'm nervous.  Do I tell my friends?  What if it's for nothing?  What if I'm making a deal out of no deal? 

But then again...how will I explain how cautious and worried I'll be to be pregnant?  They won't understand why I'm not jumping up and down.  I don't know.  I just feel so out of control on this whole trying to conceiving journey.  First, I thought it would be pie, then I thought getting pregnant would be the hard part, and now I have to worry even then. 

Patience...

Patience is a virtue because waiting completely and totally sucks.

I've called both my doctor and the fertility institute to see about my test results (HSG, Sonohysterogram, pelvic u/s) and they said it could be up to 72 hours.  I reeeeally hope it doesn't take that long.  One link that has been helpful so far today was:  

http://community.babycenter.com/post/a2733115/t_shaped_uterus

It is literally the only thing on the web that hasn't been completely all doomsday-ish.  Phew!