Breastfeeding: Please Don't Confuse Me Doing it With Liking it

So, here's my thing. I am DONE breastfeeding (WAY done). However, I never got the chance to write about it. I figure there is no time like the present (because Piper is sleeping at this moment) so here goes:

The first time I cried about my boobs, I was 13. A girl in my class announced that I was flat-chested and my crush sitting beside her couldn't help but laugh and agree. It was pretty earth shattering stuff. So earth shattering in fact, that before bed that night, I went home and PRAYED TO GOD for boobs. I kid you not. I begged the big man for knockers. It seemed reasonable at the time.

The next time I cried over my boobs would be about 17 years later, after the birth of my daughter. For me, the decision to breastfeed was a no brainer. My Grandma had done it. My Mom had done it. My sister had done it. I would obviously do it. People say it's better for the baby and that it is so "natural".  Besides, it would totally help me lose the baby weight. Right? Totally. It would also help form the most special bond between Mommy and baby and having just gone through years of infertility, I was beyond ready. Who wouldn’t be?!

The first time I threw my daughter on the boob was about 5 seconds after giving birth to her and she ate easily for 20 minutes. I instantly connected with my inner cave woman. It really was so natural! Breastfeeding was my bitch!

However, that first feeding would be the last easy one for the next five weeks. Every day was the same. Excruciating pain and undeniable dread filled me. Every time she cried for food, I cried for my boobs. They hurt SO freaking much. My daughter had an insatiable hunger and a shallow latch that even with the use of my own personal lactation consultant and a nipple shield (which I used for 5 whole weeks, by the way), did not help the pain. Not to mention the milk blisters and severe pain of engorgement. I was so overwhelmed and couldn’t help but feel very alone.

All day, my thoughts screamed, "How is something so natural, SO FREAKING PAINFUL?!" and "WHY GOD, WHY?!" and "I’M GOING TO KILL EVERYONE WHO TOLD ME THIS WAS EASY!"

Staying inside all day to be a food machine was hard on my mental state but going out in public did not help matters. My daughter was not a calm baby. The best way to comfort her was with a big dose of warm boob milk but the struggle get her latched on was ridiculous. One day at brunch, it literally looked like I was wrestling a squealing baby pig underneath my hooter hider. How did these women do it? What was the damn secret? Everyday I became increasingly miserable for dreading the beautiful miracle of boob food.

The last and final kicker came when breastfeeding did not yield the model-like weight loss results that every stupid article everywhere told me it would. No, but thanks for the endless articles on it, world. Really, thank you. Breastfeeding may make some girls super slim but breastfeeding made me HUNGRY. And even if my diet was awesome and filled with organic everything - eating an entire organic pizza is no way to get ready for a non-maternity wardrobe. In fact, a few weeks after I stopped breastfeeding completely, I lost 5 pounds with ease.

Now, I'm not saying not to breastfeed. No way! I did it for 8ish months (emphasis on the “ish”) and I'm so insanely proud of that (emphasis on the "insane"). But I wish I had more realistic expectations going into it. I can't lie and say that it was magical for me. It wasn't. Sure, I had good moments throughout – like not having to make bottles in the middle of the night and the exceptionally cuddly days - but that was really it.

Mostly, it was a hassle that wreaked havoc on my mind and body. To me, nobody should have to see their nipples crack, turn bright red or wake up in a pool of milk night after night after they’ve just been pregnant for the better part of a year. They shouldn't feel trapped to their couch or like there is no use in putting on a tank top that doesn't already have breast milk residue lingering.

I wasn’t the biggest fan but I did it and would I do it again? Yes, because my body allows it and science tells me it's good for my kid. I'm all about taking one for the team but this time I would know that not everyone is a mush ball over this bonding experience. Even when it gets easy (which, I swear it does) it isn't necessarily rainbows and puppy cuddles. It's a constant, never ending job and that's OKAY.

Every child is different; every mother is different. So even if I roll my eyes before grabbing my boppy and breastfeeding my child, please don't judge. I love my daughter and if anything, breastfeeding has just made me enjoy the stages AFTER even more.

xoxo
L 

A dream is but a dream...

Dreamt that I had the baby last night.

But it ended up being a dog.

I kept thinking, "Nooooo! I've been pregnant with a DOG this whole time?!"

Talk about a dissapoinment.  And then, it kept running away from me which was even more obnoxious.

It did turn into a little 4 year old by the end of the dream. But geez, a FOUR year old.

The whole thing was pretty strange...even for a pregnancy dream.

Happy Friday!
Laura

24 Weeks!

24 is my fave number.  Therefore, this will be the BEST pregnancy week of MY LIFE!!!!!  YAYAYAYAY

LBI, NJ

SUN BURN ALERT

High-waisted suit from Urban Outfitters.  Not for preggos, but I love it!

Right now, le bebe is weighing over a pound and working on her brain while I do important things such as endless housework, job work and lay on the beach...and play mini golf.

Feeling: Big!  The belly, she is a growin.

As far as life things go though, I am good.  Last week was rough as I started a new job producing at Lifetime TV and Jeff was away in Boston AND my insomnia decided to rear its' ugly head.  It wasn't the best week.  Going to work after sleeping for 4 hours was pretty much the worst ever. Especially when this job hired me to save their swamped/overworked producing/writing department. Oops. I was like, "oh sorry...you didn't realize it, but you just hired an insomniac preggo.  YOUR BAD! Mwahahaha"  

So other than the fact that my awesome Mom came to the rescue by sleeping over every night, last week can stay in the past if you ask me!

This week I'm excited to get a routine going.  It's been MONTHS since Jeff and I have been able to get in a groove because of my past jobs and his travel schedule but it's going to be amazing.  We can continue to work on house stuff (our house is getting painted this week!), work a normal schedule, relax and NEST.  Clearly, I can't wait for some normalcy.

Symptoms:
-Acne. Still going strong.
-Major Insomnia.  My doctor told me to take a Tylenol PM last week and I did.  One pill over the course of 2 nights.  It was my first medicine (other than prenates) I've taken ALL pregnancy and I'd love to not take it again.

Weight: Up another 2 pounds this week. YIKES!  14 total.

What I Miss: Nice skin and sleep.

Doctor Appointment: 27 week checkup.

Looking Forward To:  Everything. Getting used to my job. Seeing our house get painted.  Building the crib this coming weekend. Seeing Annie on Broadway on Tuesday. Watching my bump grow and feeling my little girl kick:)

xoxo
L

23 Weeks...whoop whoop!

Baby Girl is officially over a pound (probably), the size of a large mango and she can feel me DANCE...which incidentally makes me want to dance!

Feeling: Pretty good.  I keep wondering how often I'm supposed to be feeling the baby kick and squirm so I've had some worry about that.  Sometimes it seems like I feel her SO much and other days, not so.  I kinda just wish I could feel her nonstop until October 7th...if that's not too much to ask.

Bought my first pair of maternity jeans last week for a new job coming up and decided to wear them to dinner on Friday.  Well, guess who grew a TON in just 4 days?! ME!  I bought them decently baggy on Monday and boy, were they snug on Friday.  I did get ice cream cones practically every night this week, so I can't really blame it all on the baby:)

Symptoms:
-Acne. 
-Insomnia. This is new.  Now I'm not only uncomfortable, I wake up for over an hour in the middle of every night. Awesome.
-crampy/twinges.

Weight: 12 pounds.  Up 2 this week.

What I Miss: Nice skin. 

Doctor Appointment: 27 week checkup.

Looking Forward To:  Jeff getting home from Boston already and he only left yesterday:)

xoxo
L

Preggo: the ugly factor.

Pregnancy is beautiful, there's no doubting that.  But here's the thing...I have some seriously ugly things going on. 

For instance:

-sweat. and lots of it.  Some days I feel positive that I've just gotten home from working a 14 hour shift at the gas station and not just walked the dog around the block.

-dandruff.  Sure, this could my new sulfate free/no-nasties shampoo...but either way, it's here (not 24/7, but enough) and it's super attractive.

-acne. Everywhere.  This is my number 1 pregnancy beef. 

-hairy-ness. On my belly.  Truth be told, I had this waxed, but I know it was there and I know it's just waiting to come back.

-swollen feet.  I don't really know my shoe size anymore due to such an enhancement but I do know that according to one source, this will possibly last forever. 
- greasy face girl.  That's me!  Some mornings are a-okay and some...yeesh.  Washing my face a bajillion times a day is crucial right now.

That's it for now!  And since I hate to end on a negative, I will say that being preggo has given me a great set of nails and a cute little baby belly that my dog enjoys snuggling with. Hooray!

Xoxo,

L

22 Weeks.

Baby girl is a Spaghetti Squash and almost a pound:)  We're on our way!

Feeling: Great and not so great.

I'm feeling great because I now feel BG (baby girl) every day.  I've been waiting for this and it is better than I could have expected.  This past weekend, at 21 weeks/4 days, Jeff felt the baby kick for the first time!  Really awesome.

The not so great feelings are stemming from the concern that my IBS is returning while pregnant.  And not returning in its' usual form.  Normally I know what foods to avoid to stop the INSANELY crampy/massive stomach aches, but not right now.  I feel like I've turned the clock back 15 years and I'm relearning what will make me sick and what won't.  So far...anything greasy (mostly any sandwich that has too much cheese) and leafy green salads are the obvious culprits for needing a bathroom ASAP.  After that it can be anything.  A bagel, a bowl of cereal...ugh.  

I've only had about 3 episodes, but all 3 were pretty close together (within a couple weeks) and making me wonder if my once-awesome pregnancy bowels are taking a turn for the worse.

Of course having IBS gives me anxiety because it is unpredictable and often wants to strike when I am NOWHERE near a toilet, so I'm trying to keep it under control.  The last thing I want is for my poor little baby to feel any of my anxiety OR the massive cramping sessions that come before a stomach ache hits.

Today at the doctor, I explained my issues to her and she gave me a sample of probiotic pills, so hopefully they will help!

Symptoms:
-Acne.  My back is PERFECT for summer sundresses. Just kidding. I'm a mess.
-Sleep is still not great. 
-Dreams are getting SOOO freaking weird.  I just took a nap and dreamt that my mom was pregnant. And last night I dreamt that I lost my teeth. 
- STILL craving Grapenuts.

Weight: 10 pounds.

What I Miss: I saw someone drinking a pomegranate mixed drink on a hot day and I kinda wanted some.  It looked so refreshing.

Doctor Appointment: Today! Got some probiotic samples for the above stomach issues.  

We didn't see the baby on the monitor, but we heard the heartbeat (158bpm - fast!).  Since finding out how active she is, I was actually SO excited to see her dance around, but I guess not this time.  I wonder if the next time I'll see her is at my 28 week hospital U/S? No clue...

Looking Forward To:  Our "nursery weekend" this weekend. We are set to paint and assemble the crib that is arriving Friday!  AAAAH.  And our rug is coming a couple days later.  CAN'T WAIT.

xoxo
L

21 Weeks!

 I've got a carrot in my belly!

Feeling: Really good. Less than half way to go!!!  

This week, we had a contractor come to move the nursery door and so I feel like things are moving forward.  That needed to happen before we could do anything else nursery-related so YAY! I'm happy.

After Jeff returned from Cali, we spent a couple days together and then went down the shore for Memorial Day which was awesomely relaxing.  We both took naps every single day (ridiculous), rode our bikes and walked everywhere.  Oh, and ate...a lot. 

Next weekend, we take off for DC & Colonial Williamsburg and I can't wait.  These little trips are definitely helping to push this pregnancy along. Thank God. Jeff leaves Wednesday and I leave to meet him Friday by train.  Until then, we have a contractor working on our deck and finishing the nursery door so I'm sure it won't be the best week to be home, but it's only a few days. 

Okay, I'm exhausted and pretty sure my little girl wants me to watch crappy TV that I dvr'd all weekend.  Real housewives, what what!!!

Symptoms:
-Acne.  Still using Belli facewash...hoping for the best.
-Sleep is BAD. Even with my massive snoogle pillow.
-fast and fleeting headaches. 
-craving Grapenuts. Weird, I know.
-liking ice cream (mint choc chip/peach/vanilla&orange swirl) WAY too much.

Weight: No clue. I'll update tomorrow...UPDATE - 10 pounds.

What I Miss: Nada!

Doctor Appointment: 22 week check up. 1 week to go!

Looking Forward To:  Our "nursery weekend" that we have scheduled 2 weekends from now. We're going to jump in head first, get the crib, get the paint (then paint) and get the carpet.  I'm excited to see it come together!

xoxo
L

20 Weeks...Halfway there!!!

Happiness is spending your 20th weekend in LBI...even if the pics are a little distorted and funny looking.

Feeling:  Super. Being at the halfway point feels like an awesome triumph.  My stressful job has ended and I can now feel my baby GIRL kick me.  Things are good.  

Jeff left on Friday for a wedding in California, so for my weekend sans husband, I decided to go down the shore to Long Beach Island with my family and preggie friend.  It was really just what the doctor ordered.  Lots of relaxing and LOTS of fun foods.  Fun = pancakes & jelly beans.  Even though I'm not sleeping well AT ALL, I am halfway through this pregnancy thing and feeling optimistic about EVERYTHING. The nursery, the baby, the sleepless nights to come, our mini family to be, the wedding that I'm IN 3 days before my due date, and of course the BABY!  

It's all pretty freaking exciting.

Symptoms: 
-Back Aches.
-Acne.  Staying in the same semi-bad/good place.
-Sleep is getting worse. I feel like I have a magnet on my back that is attracted to my mattress. The whole night is a duel between good and evil.
-Heartburn. Only at nighttime and it can arise out of nowhere. Cookie = heartburn. Ketchup = heartburn. Yogurt = heartburn. Bread= heartburn.  Usually it's gone before I go to bed, but it's still nasty.

Weight: 9 pounds.

What I Miss: Still missing nice skin like whoa.

Doctor Appointment: 22 week check up!

Looking Forward To:  Jeff returning from Cali and the two of us getting this nursery thing under way.

xoxo
L

19w2d Anatomy Scan

Somehow time has flown ever-so-quickly and our once soooooo faraway anatomy scan is said and done.  

We arrived to Overlook Hospital at 7:30am because a) we are eager beavers and b) Jeff had to get to work. They took us back before our appt time and got started right away.  Lucky for us, our tech is also an MD so she can talk to us throughout the whole thing and explain every measurement that's going on.  

Immediately after lathering me with jelly and seeing our little babe with a beating heart, Karen (our lady) exclaimed that the baby was in "perfect position" so there would be no ooohing and awwing or watching the baby wiggle.  She wanted to take this opportunity to get all the measurements she could before the baby starting doing flips.

I was excited, but I was also NERVOUS.  

First she looked at the four chambers of the heart before showing us the stomach.  Then the liver (or something).  Then she focused on the brain (scary) and finally the spine.  After that, she did a couple things before getting to the measurements.  We were at 19weeks/2 days and everything measured between 19 and 20ish weeks...except for the limbs which seem to be measuring a little ahead at 20 weeks and the head...which is measuring WAY ahead (21 weeks, i think)!!!!  Our little baby is already set to take after my massive dome!  Poor thing:)

Karen also revealed that we are in fact having a GIRL!!! YAYAYAYYAYAY...and it was an odd sense of excitement to hear that confirmed.  Before we were like, "We think we're having a girl" and now we can be like, "Yes, buy us pink stuff. Thanks."

All in all, the scan took 30 minutes because the baby was cooperating.  Of course I would have loved to see her a little longer, but I know that she wasn't a fan of being poked and prodded (she was kicking me like crazy) so it was good to end early.

Fun stuff:

-Toward the end of the appointment, she took the biggest yaaawn (or mouth stretch).  And it was adorable.  Here's a pic...

-She kept reaching for her toes and holding her feet.  So freakin cute.

13 Weeks.

P.S - I look crazy in these pictures and it's not my fault.  We were at my Grandma's house and there were no places with decent lighting to go and take glamour shots...that's why standing near some cinder blocks had to do.  Also, I am aware of how weirdly bloated my face looks.

Feeling: Good. Overall things have been really swell over here.  No stress, nothing too crazy going on. Weather's getting better. Things seem to be looking up.  I've even felt confident enough to research some baby room stuff online. AAAAH. I don't think I'll be making baby purchases for a while, but it's pretty darn fun to google all sorts of nursery crafts that I'll never be good enough to pull off. 

This Wednesday, we leave for 6 days in Arizona and while I'm worried about keeping my airplane nerves under control for the baby, I'm hoping it will just fall into place. I mean I've never NOT had major anxiety on an airplane but there's always a first time for everything. Plus, I've never been pregnant before. Maybe this will finally be the ONE thing that trumps "OHMYGOD I'M GONNA DIE"-airplane nerves?  Hope so.

Symptoms: Pants are still getting tighter. Bastard pants.
Headaches have become even more infrequent.
Hunger level is remaining high.
Skin everywhere is ATROCIOUS.  Never saw this coming.  I'm basically the 13 year old I never was.  Revenge! 
Also, I've been feeling lots of cramping, twinges, and basically just stuff going on in my belly.  Sometimes it scares me. Eep.

Weight: The scale has been kinda cray this week. First it said I was up TWO pounds from last week yesterday. Then this morning it said I was up zero pounds.  I'd say I'm between 3-5 pounds at this point.

What I Miss: seeing the baby! Other than that, I'm good:)

Doctor Appointment: 14 weeks.

Looking Forward To:  A little warm weather in Arizona.  

xoxo
L

12 Weeks! Nuchal Scan...

 12 Weeks, YAYAYAYAYAYAYAY

Feeling: Elated from our very awesome nuchal scan today.  In the entire pregnancy thus far I have not felt as nervous as I did this morning.  Yes, I've felt a lot of things, like the day I felt anxious and slightly dead-inside while going through the bleeding episode at 7 weeks, but I have never felt as if I was about to stand in front of a million of my peers and give a speech like I did today (public speaking is my number one life-nightmare).  

First, I woke up to pee at 4am.  Then, I realized I had just woken up for good. I think my brain knew I was nervous before I did because it wasn't until I was in the hospital's waiting room, waiting to go back that my stomach filled with knots and my head spun clear off my neck and into another dimension.

Lucky for us, our tech was immediately AWESOME.  The immediate part is key for me because I can't handle someone throwing gel on my belly, looking around, doing their thang without at least saying, "There it is!" or "YAY a heartbeat!" or something first.  Anyway, we lucked out and she was great.  She put me at ease, but not before getting to see the little baby thrash around to what must have been some inner belly heavy metal.  I swear he/she was headbanging.  It was crazy!  I actually felt so weirded out at seeing the sharp movements going on within me that I really forced myself to simmer down.  Once I did, the baby did too...calm as a cucumber.  A little wave here, a small kick there, but no more moshing.  Yay! I couldn't have been happier.  It was a morning full of watery tear ducts and laughing nonstop.

The heartbeat was at 176.

The NT measurement was 1.5.

The NT, Trisomy 18 & 13 results were 1:10,000.

More than any other feeling, today I felt lucky.  I know that not everyone sees what we saw and not everybody gets good news.  Luckyluckylucky.

Symptoms: Pants will not button comfortably AT ALL.
Headaches.
Extreme hunger.  And then hating food.  And then eating a ton again.  
Less tired, but exhausted after meals. 
Oh, and my skin is nasty. 

Weight: The scale tells me that I'm holding strong at 3 pounds total weight gain, but my fat face would tell you otherwise. Holy bloat.

What I Miss: Nada. Life is GREAT.

Doctor Appointment: Our next appointment is the 14 week check up.  Two weeks til I hear the little heartbeat again!

Looking Forward To:  Um, everything!  I feel like my poor jailed brain has finally been set free.  I'm allowed to be happy now!  It is my goal to now ENJOY this pregnancy.

xoxo
L

Pregnancy Brain? The first sighting...

So, I went to Whole Foods and MAY have accidentally gotten charged $81 for a box of frozen waffles.  Yes, organic food is expensive.  No, it isn't that expensive. 

Can you believe I DIDN'T EVEN THINK THERE WAS ANYTHING WRONG WITH THIS SITUATION?!  I mean, the whole thing is so ridiculous that I can barely blame the cashier. ANYONE would notice paying 81 dollars too much at the grocery store register besides maybe J.Lo and/or Simon Cowell.

Later when the problem was realized (and yes, I've since had it refunded), even my friend who checked out behind me declared that she noticed the price of my bill being insanely high.  And the lady behind her probably noticed too.  But not me!!! Pregnancy brain may very well be a real thing.

11 Weeks.

To be extra fair to myself, I had also just eaten an italian meal fit for a pregnant queen and was quite honestly about to bust out of my pants.

Belly full of baby...and gnocchi.

Feeling: Excited to be less than a week away from 12 weeks, but nervous to be weaning myself off of progesterone. I had some cramping yesterday, so I've decided that if it persists, I'll probably go back to 2 suppositories until 12 weeks instead of 1 a day.

Symptoms: Stuffy nose (is that a symptom?), a phantom headache, and some fruity cravings pretty much sum up this past week.  Oh and a MAJOR stomach ache last night. My first of the whole pregnancy. Twas crampy and annoying. Hopefully it's my last.

Weight: This past weekend, we went on a road trip from NJ to Kentucky and let me tell you...I LOVED Kentucky, but I couldn't take another day of their sodium and butter drenched food.  It was no surprise that after 5 consecutive days of cheese, salt and butter, I gained another pound.  Eek!  

I am up 3 pounds total.

What I Miss: There was a moment on our trip where I felt a pang in my party girl heart for a pretty fun looking bar in our hotel, but it soon passed.   I didn't want a drink so much as I wanted to hang out there.  But I didn't want to just get a soda and listen to drunk people either, so needless to say, I paid my respect as we walked on by and that was it.

Doctor Appointment: Our next appointment is STILL set for the 25th. It will be our 12 week nuchal at the hospital...and I cannot wait. 

Looking Forward To: The 12 week appointment!  I haven't been feeling much so of course I'd reeeeeally really love to see that we've made it to 12 weeks, especially now that I'm weaning myself off of progesterone.


xoxo
L

10 Weeks.

We are TEN weeks!  Officially entering the fetal period!  How exciting is that?!!!!!  AAAAAHHHH!

There's a baby in there!  Also, nice armpit.

Damn hanger strap. Showing in every picture. I blame the photographer. Thanks for telling me, JEFF!

Giving serious elbow.

Feeling: Worry and impatience for unnecessary ultrasounds (aka reassurance). This week, my goal is to believe in my body and this pregnancy just like they used to in the good old days before the internet filled every expectant mother with fear. 

I asked my Mom how she used to truck along productively without constant fear gripping her (and they didn't even HAVE ultrasounds back then) to which she said, "We didn't know any better then.  We just figured that when you got pregnant, you would most likely have a baby."  Interesting.  So, they didn't get pregnant and then naturally assume that every horrific thing under the sun would happen to them?  Weird!

I need to work on that:)

Symptoms: This week hasn't been bad.  A couple nauseating moments, a handful of headaches, some seriously bad moods, hunger pains after not eating for 2 hours, and a little bit of cramping and twinges. Still no boob pain or vomiting.

Weight: I am up another pound...making it (2) total so far.  It is super noticeable too, as my pants are fitting snugger than a bug in a rug and hate being buttoned.  I am turning into a leggings kinda girl.

What I Miss: Nothing!

Doctor Appointment: Our next appointment is set for the 25th. It will be our 12 week nuchal at the hospital.

Looking Forward To:  Leaving for a mini road trip with 2 of our friends this Thursday and I am so excited!  We just found out yesterday that my girlfriend is also pregnant so the two of us can make the men run around and fetch food for us the whole time! Also I'm really just looking forward to a fun week that will help the time the fly.  


xoxo
L

Eek!

I'm 10 weeks today!!!! And I am SOOOOOOO excited about that little fact. I did NOT think that I could make it to this point, let alone WAIT until this point. I am so impatient, but even more excited and thrilled that it's all really happening!

10 weeks for me feels REAL. Double digits and oh so close to that heavenly 12 week mark!  Our last scan was 9 weeks and our next one is 12 weeks.  For someone who has literally had a reassuring scan every week of this pregnancy, I can't believe I have to wait 3 weeks! And then 6 weeks after that!  A part of me is glad so that the baby isn't exposed to too many additional ultrasounds and I also think spreading them out and putting my faith in this pregnancy (without the constant reassurance) will do us all (baby and crazy brain of mine) a lot of good!

10 week update coming soon!!! YAY!

9 Weeks.

Please excuse my bathroom floor to the right. Oopsie.

Feeling: Like the inside of my head is screaming, "YAY YAY YAY I'm 9 weeks pregnant!" at all times (or until I get a headache and need to lay down). I am soooooo happy to be this far along.  Yesterday was our 9 week appointment with my regular OB (so weird to be treated normal again) and it went great. The baby's heart rate was 180 bpm. Hooray!

Symptoms: The symptoms have definitely kicked it up a notch in the past week and a half.  For instance, I hate, HATE the thought of eating meat. Blegh. I am experiencing at least one throbbing headache a day and I am still moody and tired. SOOOO tired.  Everyday around 1pm my body decides that nothing else will do other than a nice little nap. That's what it wants!  For a girl who never experienced headaches, food aversions, or a lifestyle that wasn't 100 percent hyper, these symptoms are noticeable.  

Weight: I am up (1) total pound so far.  It was 2 pounds, but then the doctor weighed me yesterday and it was only one. Strange!

What I Miss: Regular coffee, regular shampoo and conditioner (I've switched to Burt's Bees for the pregnancy) and exercise.  Since the threatened miscarriage at 7 weeks and a little bit of bleeding at the doctor's office yesterday, I have been advised to take it easy and not exercise.  I never usually exercise that much, but I walk EVERYWHERE. Like miles and miles a week.  So, I definitely miss that.

Looking Forward To: going for long walks again after 12 weeks and my 12 week appointment.

xoxo
L

8 Weeks - Heartbeat 167

The heartbeat was 167 and the Cheerio measured right to the day - 8 weeks exactly.  Hallelujah!!!  

This morning we heard the best sound in the world for the third time and I for one (Jeff, for two) couldn't be more thankful, excited, blessed, happy, and through the roof.  This past week was a scary one, but I'm willing to move past it and not hold anything against my uterus as long as it keeps its' end of the bargain and stops acting crazy with it's spontaneous bleeding ways.  Thank God that is over.

Now onto my new thing to worry about...

Being released to my regular OB.  EEK!

Today was my official LAST day with my RE and the infertility palace.  I am soon to join the ranks of normal fertile girls everywhere and sit in a waiting room with gals who got pregnant the ol' fashioned way.  I seriously cannot imagine.  A room of girls not looking completely forlorn with crossed toes and fingers?  What a strange thought.  

Leaving today was surreal.  I was handed a USB drive with pics of our little Cheerio, a goody bag (yes, really) with pregnancy magazines, while exchanging heartfelt goodbyes.  This place that I have loathed going to for the past million days is about to be in my past.  And yet, it didn't quite feel like it was the end.  I said to Jeff as we made our exit out of the parking lot, "I guess it's like graduating high school.  We won't feel a difference until we just don't go back." Weird.

So, here's my problem.  I am HAPPY to graduate.  I mean, that was the goal the whole time here...but I'm also sooooo scared.  I'm scared to stop my progesterone shots and switch to progesterone suppositories and then I'm scared to stop those at 10 weeks.  I'm scared that nobody will be monitoring my blood and I'm scared that the baby's placenta won't take over.  Why didn't anyone tell me that graduating from my RE and going to a regular OB (which should make me feel like a regular person...a good thing) would be so scary! Aaaaah!

xoxo
L

Scared.

I think I may be traumatized. I keep envisioning the gush of blood I felt two days ago happening again.  Knowing it can come without warning and without any sign. I think about it in my sleep. I try to envision us HAVING this baby, but I'm so scared.  It's scary to know that in an instant my happiness can be shattered. I'm so invested. So in love.  I keep repeating, "20 more weeks, 20 more weeks" because I would like to go that much further without any worry or bed rest. At least.

I always thought that getting pregnant would be the hard part. I figured that my pregnancy would be FUN, a piece of cake...so to speak. I don't care if I get morning sickness and I don't care if I gain weight. I don't care if I look like crap for the entire 10 months because after 2 IVF's and an FET making me look that way, I kind of expected it. My expectations were never that of Gisele Bunchen or Kim Kardashian.  I didn't think I'd be at the gym every morning, noon and night, flaunting my petite baby bump around town. No way. This journey has been an ordeal thus far and I figured it would continue.  But not like this.  I never thought it would be this scary. 

Every cramp, every feeling. I worry. I worry that a cramp will come and suddenly not stop until I'm doubled over in pain. I haven't had that but I'm losing it. I really need to stay planted in reality before going over the edge. I believe that your mind can do crazy things and I don't want to be the reason anything more happens. 

I spoke with my nurse yesterday who said that next month with be her 20th year doing what she does.  She said, "In the hundreds and hundreds of girls that I've dealt with who go through what you went through, I can count on ONE hand the girls who actually lost the baby."

A good 'odds' story never hurt and ultimately, it does/did make me feel better. I'm just scared. Hoping for the best, but scared.
xoxo
L

The beat.

This morning the hubs and I heard our Cheerio's heartbeat for the first time and it was unreal. In the moments leading up to it, I was speechless with my brain filled with thoughts of passing out. I felt paralyzed and like I couldn't breathe until the doctor said something. Then we heard it. My whole body felt hot and I honestly almost broke down and cried. It was the coolest thing I've ever been a part of. And I feel so lucky. SO fortunate. SO blessed.

I know that after hearing the heartbeat, our chance of miscarriage goes down to about 4% so I am thinking positively now and looking forward to the rest of this journey. We are pregnant!!!

Also, we decided earlier this week to celebrate Valentine's Day today instead of tomorrow because I have acupuncture in the city (and that's where the hubs works), so now we have SOOOO much more to celebrate.  I can't wait!!  Best V-day ever.

BPM - 117 for 6w1d

6 WEEKS.

Feeling: Today, I am 6 weeks and 1 day pregnant.  For someone so used to being no weeks and no days pregnant, this feels like a major accomplishment already.  Positive beta's - Check. Sack seen on 5 week U/S - Check.  But, that is where my confidence ends.   I am experiencing so few symptoms that I'm through the roof nervous.  Tomorrow I will go in for my 6 week ultrasound and while I couldn't be more thrilled to do so, I'm scared.  Everywhere you look there is someone's sad story of miscarrying.  And they are ALL terrifying in their own right.  I can't help but know that it could happen to us because it could happen to anyone.  I hate it.

Symptoms: Thus far, my main symptoms would have to be: MOODINESS and FATIGUE.  I am a tired, cranky girl.  Every time I tell myself to "cheer up, girlfriend...this is what you've been waiting for!" I feel an overwhelming desire to take a nap and wake up when it's time for my next doctor appointment.  I don't want to wish this first trimester away, but I am definitely, kinda sorta hoping it goes quickly.

Also, what's up with no nausea?  I just read online today that nausea is a good sign and it means that your body is doing what it is supposed to in order to maintain the pregnancy.  Hmm.  

One thing I keep reminding myself is that my Mom does not recall having any pregnancy symptoms with my sister or myself (she also didn't even know she was pregnant for 2 months back then). And my sister also had almost no symptoms while pregnant with my little nephew.  She threw up once and generally just felt exhausted, but that was it.  Hearing that stuff helps.

EDITED TO ADD - Holy HEARTBURN!!! I have some serious molten lava in my throat I type this. Thought I should update for accuracy.

Weight: I'm bloated in my midsection a bit but have been eating more, so it may just be that.  I haven't gained additional pounds yet but will keep updating every week to keep track.

What I Miss: Regular coffee! 

Looking Forward To: Despite what I'm writing, I'm feeling hopeful and happy and I just need to keep telling myself: I AM PREGNANT. I am looking forward to our 6 week ultrasound and I hope that we can see the heartbeat!

xoxo
L