My Recipe for the Perfect Family.

I'm a dreamer, an imagine-r, a stare out of the train window for hours-er. In moments where my brain is free, my mind floats away to the moon and when it does, mindless, endless ideas and lists form. It's something that occurs, like the morning sunrise, nothing I've ever planned. As a kid, I would list to-do's that I hoped to accomplish, but likely would not: History paper, Math homework, get a ride to volleyball, warn Mom and Dad that I'm probably failing French.

As I got older, the lists got older too. Errands, work goals, dreams, aspirations. Sometimes, if there wasn't a list to be made, I'd find myself rerunning a conversation in my head on repeat - my wandering mind never knowing how to rest. Yes, I realize that me talking about this might have you running for a xanax, but I actually barely notice it and who knows, maybe it's a really great brain exercise - or undiagnosed OCD. 

 

Then, two Wednesday's ago when I was showering before work, my mind wandered and listed as it tends to do. I didn't notice anything strange at first until I was toweling off and realized that I wasn't listing my to-do's anymore. I was listing stuff that had already been done. Stuff I'd already gone through. I was listing the major hurdles I had to overcome in order to grow my family.

septum surgery
IUI 
IVF 1
IVF 2
FET 
blood loss (during delivery)
D&C 
D&C 
natural pregnancy # 1
Miscarriage
natural pregnancy # 2 
please.please.please.letthisoneworkout.

So, there you have it. That's how you make a family.

It was something of a recipe, really. A little recipe that yielded one daughter thus far and always ended in a little hopeful begging because you see, I'm pregnant right now and for me, being pregnant has never been a carefree, happy time in my life. Instead, it has been filled with a lot of heartbreak, a lot of emotional roller coaster riding, and a lot of pushing the negativity into outer space and focusing on the complete picture. I am lucky because all of my hard work has not been without reward. My frozen embryo transfer gave me a daughter. A perfect daughter. And I promised myself that I would try very hard to give her a sibling. If it doesn't work out, she will know how hard I tried and in some way I hope that consoles her. 

So, as of now I am still in this phase of life where one tries to multiply their love with their spouse to create a little family tree. As much as I would love for the pressure of this all to be over, it is not. And so, I list. I list our journey over and over. A tortured mantra. A poem of empowerment. A prayer of some sort. Maybe I'm proud of everything I've gone through or perhaps just deeply scarred by it. Either way, it's my story. 

 

I wasn't always like this. Like most people I was really excited to have a child initially. It is my nature to be optimistic and jump into massive life decisions with deliriously positive abandon. Everything would work out! We had already been married a couple years and couldn't wait for the adventure to begin. These were obviously going to be the best days of our lives!

Turns out life was pretty great before. I never understood how hard some people have it. I never had to. But let met tell you, when you're in the waiting room of an infertility clinic and you can barely find a seat for the 57th day in a row, you find out a lot of people have it hard. There are basically 400 scientific miracles that must go perfectly every time someone gets pregnant with a healthy baby. When people call it "the miracle of life," it's probably because they've been through the mud.

For me, it started with a misdiagnosis (who has a T-shaped uterus anymore?), then correct diagnosis and subsequent surgery to remove a rather large uterine septum (goodbye, nature's birth control). This was followed by a failed IUI and two cancelled IVF cycles due to slow embryo growth and crappy eggs. Each of these things take an eternity, by the way. Lastly, I had a frozen embryo transfer where I placed two embryos in and was lucky enough to have one grow into my beautiful daughter (but not without 12 weeks of spotting and bleeding, hypothyroidism, bed-rest and a threatened miscarriage).  During delivery with her, my placenta adhered to my uterine wall (because why should anything be easy?) and I lost a LOT of blood. Two surgeries ensued and voila, I was a Mom. 

Who wouldn't want to go through all that again?! 

Right now, I am naturally pregnant. This will be my second natural pregnancy actually - the first ending with a miscarriage at 8 weeks, 5 days. On the first day of my in-laws visiting from across the country. While they ate pancakes on our dining room table and I cried alone in the bathroom upstairs. 

So yeah, everything is hard.

Infertility and pregnancy struggles are a very lonely place. Even if the waiting room is filled to the brim at an infertility doctor's office, nobody talks. It is eerily quiet. It is serious. The air is heavy with sadness and loss. Everyone offers half smiles while silently counting down the minutes until they never have to come back. This was not a club that people wanted to join. 

It is for that reason, that I would never want another person to look at my family and see something that isn't true. This did not come easy. This did not come without a fight. I wish I could wear this list on my chest. I wish fellow strugglers (and even non-strugglers for that matter) could know my family-making recipe because if they are going through even just a fraction of what I did, I would want them to feel less alone and give them the energy to keep going until everything is in the rear view mirror. Once it is, maybe we can all wave goodbye to these days together.

This is my family recipe. What is yours?

xo,
Laura

A Missed Opportunity: Our Miscarriage

It's weird to think about this right now because it's amazing what a few weeks will do. A few weeks ago, I was down. I was depressed. I was confused and trying my hardest to find an answer. Why? I'm very "why" oriented. 

When I was going through infertility, I felt relief over hearing that I had a uterine septum which made getting pregnant impossible. That was why! And going through 2 cycles of IVF and a frozen embryo transfer resulting in my first pregnancy, I had a lot of answers for everything. It was all very scientific. But this time around was SO very different.

It was almost December and I thought "Why not try to get pregnant?" I mean there is no way it would happen and I could regret not trying. What if my septum grew back? I figured there was maybe a 4 percent chance of it happening since it took ages last time. 

Well, we got pregnant. 

Truth be told, I was excited but it felt sooo weird. We barely tried. Two little kids?! Newborns are hard. They would be 22 months apart. I began to feel overwhelmed and it felt like my heart was going to jump out of my throat.

Turns out, that was my thyroid.

I had the thyroid issue with Piper, too so I knew to get to the doctor. I knew I needed meds and was put on synthroid. Along with my thyroid levels, they checked my blood and all was good. My beta was 125. Four days later, it was 750.

I had my first ultrasound at 6 weeks, 1 day. We only saw the gestational sac and yolk sac that day and were told to come in a week. Obviously, we did just that. A week later (7w 1 d), my beta was 14,000 and at the ultrasound we found the baby in there, flickering. It was the relief of the century. My entire body felt calmer. However, the baby measured 6 weeks. It was small so I was told to come back at 8 weeks. All I could think was, "Great. Another week of torture."

During this time, my thyroid level jumped to 4.5. For those that don't know...this is bad. It should be under 2.5. With Piper, I had been 4.7 unmedicated at 5 weeks. Normally, they wouldn't even test at this time in a pregnancy, but infertility clinics do. Thank God. This time, even on the same dosage, my numbers were going up and so the Doctor raised my prescription.

At 8 weeks 1 day, the baby was still there but this time it was only measuring 6w4days. It hadn't grown the 7 days worth but the heartbeat was 135. Obviously I panicked, but I figured out lots of excuses in my head (I'm good like that) to make it all better.

At 8 weeks 4 days, I started spotting and even though this happened with Piper, I knew it was bad. I ran to the doctor who showed me the heartbeat. I felt silly about going to the doctor so quickly but couldn't help feeling the impending doom. That night, I was overcome with nausea. I have never had morning sickness, so I figured that's what it was. I have never felt so sick. I vomited twice, before falling into the most restless sleep.

The next morning, at 8 weeks 5 days, the bleeding started again. I was having a miscarriage and it was gruesome. My inlaws had just flown into NJ from Washington State. They were downstairs enjoying a pancake breakfast while I tried to hold it together upstairs as I miscarried the baby. It was such a horrific ordeal because you can't stop it. The clots and the blood just come and there is nothing to do but wait for a brief interval...enough to get in the car and go to the doctor...which I did. I ended up having a lot of the miscarriage there actually. I was dilated. On the same ultrasound machine that showed my baby's flickering heart a day earlier, the doctor showed me a uterus dark with blood. 

That was it. 

Lucky for me, other than being in a terrible mood every now and then, I feel okay. My HCG dropped within 5 weeks and everything seems to have evened out. I've even started to come to terms with the fact that all of my plans I made while pregnant, won't happen. 

What could've been, will not.

Xoxo

L

Gestational sac.

Our last picture. Heartbeat 135bpm

8 Weeks - Heartbeat 167

The heartbeat was 167 and the Cheerio measured right to the day - 8 weeks exactly.  Hallelujah!!!  

This morning we heard the best sound in the world for the third time and I for one (Jeff, for two) couldn't be more thankful, excited, blessed, happy, and through the roof.  This past week was a scary one, but I'm willing to move past it and not hold anything against my uterus as long as it keeps its' end of the bargain and stops acting crazy with it's spontaneous bleeding ways.  Thank God that is over.

Now onto my new thing to worry about...

Being released to my regular OB.  EEK!

Today was my official LAST day with my RE and the infertility palace.  I am soon to join the ranks of normal fertile girls everywhere and sit in a waiting room with gals who got pregnant the ol' fashioned way.  I seriously cannot imagine.  A room of girls not looking completely forlorn with crossed toes and fingers?  What a strange thought.  

Leaving today was surreal.  I was handed a USB drive with pics of our little Cheerio, a goody bag (yes, really) with pregnancy magazines, while exchanging heartfelt goodbyes.  This place that I have loathed going to for the past million days is about to be in my past.  And yet, it didn't quite feel like it was the end.  I said to Jeff as we made our exit out of the parking lot, "I guess it's like graduating high school.  We won't feel a difference until we just don't go back." Weird.

So, here's my problem.  I am HAPPY to graduate.  I mean, that was the goal the whole time here...but I'm also sooooo scared.  I'm scared to stop my progesterone shots and switch to progesterone suppositories and then I'm scared to stop those at 10 weeks.  I'm scared that nobody will be monitoring my blood and I'm scared that the baby's placenta won't take over.  Why didn't anyone tell me that graduating from my RE and going to a regular OB (which should make me feel like a regular person...a good thing) would be so scary! Aaaaah!

xoxo
L

FET: 2 Week Wait "Symptoms"

Here are my symptoms as they stand now:

Day of transfer - weird buzzy, anxious feeling all day. Stomach aches. (maybe from PIO and Prog supp? Too much progesterone? Or maybe just nerves from having so many people up in my junk earlier in the day.)
1DP5DT - nothing
2DP5DT - nothing
3DP5DT - Acupuncture. Period-like cramp lasts for a few minutes while walking down my street.
4DP5DT - nothing
5DP5DT - have a pregnancy dream.  This is not a real sign for me, though because it's happened before.
6DP5DT - awful period cramps. Last for a looooong time. Pretty sure it's period time.
7DP5DT - wake up feeling nothing AGAIN. No boob stuff, no cramps. Never got the implantation bleeding or whatever. Decide to test.  POSITIVE on internet cheapie test.  Take a digital: Pregnant.  Decide to wait for the beta before jumping for joy.  I've waited way too long for this to get my hopes up prematurely.
8DP5DT - nothing.
9DP5DT - bloodwork and pregnancy test. BETA is 543! Cramping/twinges in my chest and lower back. A weird prickle-y sensation. While commuting into the city, I also felt winded very easily.
10DP5DT - Just walked a mile and felt out of breath way too easily.  However, on a normal day, I would just chalk this up to not exercising enough.

SOOOO...as frustrating as it is, if my pregnancy test did not say "positive", I would honestly not think this was the month. Being pregnant does not feel all that different...at least not yet!

Transfer Day...Awww snap!!!!

IT'S OUR FIRST TRANSFER DAY EVER!!!!!

After TWO cycles of IVF, endless shots and a whole bunch of craziness, IT'S HAPPENING!!!!  FINALLY!!!! (it's times like this when I think there aren't enough exclamation points in the world...)

New Year, New Ideas

During this TTC journey, I have been adamant about living my life as normally as possible.  It has been a long road and I never wanted to change my life so drastically that I would look back and regret not hanging out with friends and family, canceling fun weekend trips or long vacations because of anything fertility related. I did not want infertility (while a MASSIVE part of my life) to run the show. Ultimately, I've had a good couple years.  

I've done things that have not only been fun but life changing.  Packing up an RV with two of our closest friends and driving across the country on an 18 day adventure of a lifetime WAS scary at first.  A part of me wanted to stay home, refrain from late nights, mark my days of ovulation and definitely stay away from the alcohol and bad foods. Thank goodness the other part of me was far more convincing.  The trip changed me...for the better.  And it also put 2012 on the map. In a good way. 

Here's the VIDEO.

So, now it's 2013.  What lies ahead? I don't know.  But I do know that I'm willing to make a big change in order to achieve our goal.  I've been wondering if hitting the occasional happy hour, dinner out, dinner in, party, and weekend trip filled with what most fertility sites would call too much wine could be hurting my chances.  I would never drink during my tww or even throughout most of my IVF cycles, but during those other two weeks or when a cycle has been canceled...forget it.  I let loose.

That's why, for the first time ever, I'm going to give up booze completely.  Usually my mind is constantly doing something I call Fertility Math to figure days that I can do things, can't do things, days that will affect my eggs for an IVF cycle, etc.  And yes, I am thinking well...it's January.  These eggs would be used in March (if the 3 month rule holds out).  Do I need good eggs in March? What if my FET works this month or next month? Then, it will all be for naught.  Oh well.  That's the chance I'm willing to take in 2013.  This year from January 1st through May 1st I will do my FIRST EVER full booze cleanse.  No cocktails...at all.  I will also work on achieving better and more sleep.  And sticking with acupuncture.

I know it's only my 4th day in, but I am already SOOO excited.

HERE'S TO AN AMAZING YEAR!
xoxo
L

Eggie energy

So, as I'm gearing up for my FET this month, I've been dissecting the past two IVF cycles...and even a little before that. 

In July of 2012 when I was gearing up for my August IUI, we found out that the hubs may have a MFI problemo.  A problem of the morphology kind.  So starting in early August, he began to take Fertility Blend for Men.  IUI failed, so in September we moved on...but he continued with his pills.

 The first IVF 'antagonist' cycle resulted in: 19 eggs retrieved, 14 mature, 7 fertilized, ending in no transfer but a frozen:

(1) day 6 - 6BB blast.

--Due to the lack of fertilization, the hubs ups his dosage, sticks with his handful of walnuts a day (chinese medicine) and gives up caffeine.  Also, we hope that since FB has been in his system for a few months things will improve. They do.

My second long lupron cycle resulted in: 31 eggs retrieved, 22 mature, 20 fertillized, 6 day 5 blasts.  One 6CD and one 6DD blast are discarded leaving us with no transfer once again, but 4 frozens:

(2) 5BC
(1) 6CC
(1) 6CB blasts.

In total, I have 5 blasts 'on ice'.  Of course, superficially this sounds fantastic.  But by digging deeper, I feel that my egg quality is lacking. Why can't my embryos make it to blast on day 5?  Why do they always need an extra day?  My FSH level is high for my age at a 9...but then again my doctor says that this number changes constantly and not to get too caught up in it. 

What I can get caught up in though is the grades of my blasts and the fact that so many seem to be lacking energy.  Some clinics throw away a 6CC.  After researching it, I've decided that I need a plan should all of these blasts/FET's fail due to egg quality.  I bought some CoQ10 and have decided this. I will do an FET in January and February. Should they fail or become cancelled, I will give up all things (wine!!) unhealthy/acidic for March, April, and May.  Also, I will take the CoQ10 and continue going to acupuncture.  Hopefully this will make for a super healthy batch of eggs in late May/early June.  I just wish my doctor had told me about CoQ10 sooner.  I mean, it's been FOREVER that I could have been doing it for.  I hate all this trial and error!  Ugh.

So there you have it. Another day, another plan.  I am SOOO looking forward to 2013...

A holiday party...after an egg retrieval?!

So, I wasn't going to write about this because it is quite possibly insane but here goes.  Every year, Jeff and I throw a holiday party on the Saturday before Christmas.  We LOVE it.  To us, it is the best part of our holiday season.  However, this year was looking like it would be a bit different.  When we thought about doing IVF for a second time, my sights were set on November.  Hilariously, I thought I would be pregnant for Christmas.  HAHAHA. Sorry, that made me laugh.

So, the plan was IVF in November, party in December.  But then I got cysts and my Day 1 was delayed.  Then, they decided to put me on a long lupron cycle rather than the antagonist one.  Soon, the days of December were quickly approaching and I realized that our party was set on a day that would surely be on my transfer day or a day or two after.  I would be on bed rest. OH NOOOO. 

The hubs and I put our two terribly dumb heads together and decided to move the party up a week.  Then, the party would fall around the time of the retrieval, which would be much more ideal.  RSVP's were coming our way as we decorated the house in jolly holiday decor.  Then, it was time to trigger and upon hearing the words, the hubs and I looked at eachother, thinking the same exact thing...

The retrieval and holiday party would be the same day.

At first, we panicked. But last time my retrieval was at 9am and I felt fine the rest of the day so I decided to keep the party going.  It wasn't until the nurse called me and scheduled me for a 2PM retrieval time that I straight up lost my shiz (but still didn't cancel the party). 

In the end, I was zonky and tired. Bloated and unable to suck in my belly.  Out of it and a bit off. BUT I did it!  Even if it was an insane idea in the first place. 

It all worked out.  Somehow.  I survived a night of hosting my best friends and family with little other than the energy from my multiple Gatorades that I had stashed in almost every room of the house. And it's a good thing that we had it because my transfer was the next weekend and now we're pregnant.  HAHAHA. Sorry again.  OF COURSE, my transfer was subsequently canceled so it would have been MUCH better to keep the original date, but we had no way of knowing that. 

Our tradition lives on and this year will be one I never ever ever ever forget.  Because I was crazy for having it in the first place.

We went from this...

To this...

My sister and I. Tube dresses are your friend after an egg retrieval.

Jeff with our bro in law and neph

How cute is this guy?  I love my nephew!

Jeff putting on our dogs Santa outfit.  Someone had to.

Merry Christmas, all!  And may the new year be filled with lots of health, happiness and babies!

xoxo
L

The Infertillity Rollercoaster.

I love roller-coasters.  But, when you didn't agree to get on one in the first place and you don't see any sign of it stopping to let you off soon, it makes you want to scream.  And not the, "Weeee" kind of scream...the "HELP! I've been kidnapped by a runaway train!" kind.

The ride isn't smooth and every high is sure to be met with a low.  Every climb, met with a dip.  Even when you know a gut-wrenching fall is approaching and you brace yourself, it is never enough. Hopes that are high every time you pass the gate from where you boarded are dashed when the brakes don't kick in. Again.  When you hear you have retrieved 31 eggs, 20 of which have fertilized, you will just as soon hear that only 4 have made it and your transfer has been canceled.  Then you will also hear that their grades aren't too great either. 

Clearly I have a lot of time to think about this stuff.  What people don't realize with infertility is that every single month there is hope.  Even if you "don't even care anymore" there is still a chance, a sliver of light moments before you know it didn't work out AGAIN.  So if I don't see you for a month or two and then I'm sipping wine when I finally do...understand that I may look how I always have, but I've changed.  In the interim of us seeing eachother, I could have become 2 months pregnant.  But I didn't.   Infertility is an every day thing.

I remember being in 9th grade and having the craziest crush of my life and thinking that I couldn't IMAGINE thinking of something more than I was thinking of this boy.  Then, I went to college and belonged to 1 half of the most dramatic relationship in the world.  Once again, I remember my thoughts being consumed 100 percent by this person and what was going on between the two of us.  Diary entries were redundant and it was clear that I was obsessed with my little world. But my brain was immature and as quickly as it came, it always left.  There was always something shiny around the corner back then. And I guess that is what I'm hoping for here.  Something shiny to distract me.  However, unlike past tense me, not just anything will do.  I want to start a family. 

And because of that, I will stay on this rollercoaster every single day.  Even if it makes me want to puke.  Even if I have to watch everyone else hop on and off with ease.  Even if the tracks become rickety and I think I may die. I'll stay on as long as I can.

xoxo
L

IVF #2 - Cancelled AGAIN.

2 almost blasts, 3 morulas, 8 "disorganized" morulas, and 7 arrested embryos = my previously exciting 20 fertilized embryos.

So many thoughts are whizzing through my mind.  I am happy that all 20 mature eggs fertilized. That in itself takes care of the MFI issue from the previous cycle.  

I don't understand however, why so many of our embryos' became "disorganized."  To me, this sounds like a reason why we shouldn't even try naturally.  Are we incompatible?  Do we have a 50% chance of that happening since it happened to almost half of our stock?  Why so wacky, sperm/egg-combo?

Why have I never had a perfectly ready 5 day blastocyst ready to transfer?  Why are they growing slowly?  I've done an antagonist cycle and a long lupron cycle. One yielded 1 almost blast out of 7 fertilized embryos and the other, 2 out of 20. Why is it so hard to get to blast? Why so slow?

Why doesn't my clinic do a day 6 transfer and or why wouldn't they transfer 2 of the morulas?  If they are going to cancel it anyway, can't we at least throw something in there while my lining is "perfect"?  Can't we do SOMETHING?  What if they like my uterus better than your stinky lab?  Come on!

It doesn't help that they have SUCH strict criteria (no fresh day 3 transfers, morula transfers, almost blastocyst transfers) paired with an insanely packed schedule.  I can't schedule an FET until February now.  

Merry Christmas. This sucks.
L

Symptoms

So, unlike most girls who make a list of pregnancy symptoms when they think they could possibly have a bun in the oven, I have a list of "non-pregnancy symptoms" that occur while I know 100% that I am not/could not possibly be preggers.

For instance, today I have the WORST heartburn.  When I say the "worst" I mean that it actually feels like there is a small pool of molten lava sitting in my throat waiting to spill out at all times.  If but a year prior, my younger, less jaded self would easily categorize this as a symptom.  However, I am going through IVF and definitely not with-child.  So, now I know....it's nothing.  And in turn, I now know that it is possible to have such out-of-nowhere discomfort without being pregnant.  

Symptoms like this one remind me that I cannot be fooled when it is time for the waiting game.  Those weird twinges in my belly last month that occured when I was not pregnant - normal.  That strange lower abdomen sensation - nothing again.  And what about that time I thought my eyesight spontaneously became razor sharp out of nowhere only to have me exclaiming wildly,  "IT MUST BE A BABY!" within the confines of my brain - Nope. Nada.

I think that I partly make this list of non-symptoms because I've reached a level of insanity that cannot be helped but also I think I do it for safety.  I can't bare to get my hopes up too much. Too often.

When we first started "trying" (I hate that term - ew) symptoms were actually quite fun.  

"Oh my God Jeff, I am SO nauseous!" 

or

"Some weird crap is going on in my stomach right now."  

Well, guess what? Weird crap = crap.  Bowel movements do not a child make.  Symptoms were a great way to secretly think I was about to get the greatest surprise of my life. Especially since they seemed to change EVERY SINGLE MONTH.  But like anything else that is done over and over again counting symptoms gets old.  Then desperate.  And finally, I just got straight up jaded (as if I need another thing to be jaded about!) as a result.  

When your girlfriend is like, "whoa, my sense of smell is crazy today...what if I'm pregnant?!" all Jaded Laura can ever say back is, "let's take a test," even when I should be saying something along the lines of, "OHMYGOD! YAAAAY! A BAYBEEEE!!!" or anything similar.  To me, I'd rather just know instead of enduring days filled with whimsical symptoms that could possibly mean zilch. I mean, why waste the time living in La La Land.  Right?

Holy smokes, I've just had a revelation:

I...think that I may be a symptom scrooge.

Being any kind of scrooge at this time of year is not cool. Hopefully it's just the meds talking. Seriously, tell me your symptoms, I won't bite. I promise! 

Right now I'm on 100 (down from 150) of Follistim, 5 units of Lupron, and 1 vial (down from 2) of Menopur.  Tonight will be night 10!  Almost at the end!!!!

xoxo
Laura

IVF Calendar, Part Deux

11/7 - Start AF, start BC

11/17 - Start Lupron 10units

11/21 - end BC

11/24 - Day 1

11/26 - Day 3 bloodwork/ultrasound & start 5units Lupron, 150 Menopur (2 vials), 150 Follistim

11/29 - Day 6 b/w & u/s. Meds stay the same. 14 on the left, 25 on the right.

12/1 - Day 8 the Doc said I was "plentiful." As usual, I will take what I can get compliment-wise.

12/3 - Day 10 - my biggest follie is 14. Change prescription to one Menopur and have to return tomorrow.

12/4 - Day 11 - I'm on the "daily plan," whoop whoop.  I have a few eggs at 16, but the rest are all smaller.  They believe my retrieval will be Saturday and they also think that given the amount of follicles, I may need to prep myself for OHSS. Booooo. OHSS will mean that I have a chance of freezing all eggs for a future FET. Double booo. Crossing my fingers for a happy outcome...that does not include cantalope sized ovaries and gallons of Gatorade ingestion. 

12/5 - Day 12 - Giving blood was not fun today. Instead of a "pinch," I most definitely felt a "stab."  As far as follicles go, I think I have a lot in there, but I think there is only 1 18mm one and all the rest are 16 and under.  I'm getting sooooo nervous.   

12/6 - Day 13 - I trigger tonight!!! My biggest follicle was 24, which seems like a lot for it to grow overnight.  I also had 2 20's, 2 19's, a few 18's and a lot less than that.  I HOPE THIS WORKS!!! 
updated to add: estrogen at 5399 - high 

12/7 - 2am - trigger with 1 Ovidrel shot.  

6am - B/w & u/s AGAIN.  Luckily, they were able to take blood from my left arm for once, so that was a pleasant surprise.  Still some fluid in my lining but lots of egg as well.  Not sure on Estrogen level yet. will post later... 

12/8 - Retrieval Day!!! They retrieve 31 eggs.

12/9 - We are told that 20 have fertilized normally without the need for ICSI. 

12/13 - Find out that the embryos are running a day behind schedule.  4 day 5 blasts are frozen for an upcoming FET in Feb (unless something opens sooner).
 

A Glimmer.

I've always been a very positive person.  If there is at least a glimmer of hope, my brain defaults into thinking that happiness and goodness is winning out over sadness and badness. As a child, I was deliriously happy,which in adolescence turned to cautiously happy with a touch of realism and I think I've stayed that way ever since.  I like to think happy thoughts. Finding a way to think them, even when the most obvious emotion to feel is a negative one.  My brain is persistent.  It wants what it wants. And it wants to be happy.  Eternally so.  However, infertility is not a jolly prognosis.  It is the thing that keeps my brain searching, reaching, thinking thinking thinking.  Thinking that if we try hard enough, fight hard enough, want this bad enough...we will succeed. 

After my egg transfer was canceled, I broke down for the first time in a long time.  Like really broke down.  I've been quiet after bad news before.  I've teared up after dashed dreams.  But I've never fully broken down.  My stomach was filled with poison gnawing at me and I couldn't release tears and sobs fast enough.  I was mad.  SO mad. So pissed. So defeated. I couldn't believe that all of our work.  Everything we had gone through.  It was for nothing.  Nothing.  19 eggs = 2 morulas and an almost blastocyst.  The transfer was canceled. There would be no baby.

Then, I was told that the lab would call with results of the final 3 eggs. Would they make it to freeze?  My nurse sounded doubtful.  Especially of the 2 morulas.  It didn't look promising.  Well, I didn't receive a call.  An entire weekend passed and I did not hear a thing.  Parts of my brain continued to think that we just needed to try IVF again.  We just had to give it another shot.  Try harder. Be better.  But then reality would hit me.  It completely did NOT work this time.  Could we go through this disappointment again? And again? When the hubs said that he didn't want to see us go through the sadness another time, it was the first sign of defeat I'd ever seen in him.  When he said that he thinks we can be happy without children, I couldn't argue with him.  I could see that his brain was finally concluding that we may never succeed.  He had lost hope in the process. It was over.

I was expecting a call from the doctor on Monday morning to discuss the cycle and my next steps.  She, unlike the weekend lab people, actually did call when she was promised to.  Thank God.  She said things like, "you responded well" and "nice follicles" and "estrogen up to 3500."  I listened, writing her words feverishly until she also said, "And you can always do an FET cycle with just the one embryo if you don't want to do another fresh IVF right away."  

huh?

I literally could not put the breaks on the conversation quick enough.  Rewind, please! What do you mean FET? What do you mean 'embryo'? Where was my weekend call from the lab?! What the hell was going on?!

My heart soared. My glimmer of hope was happening.

Yes, I'd been overlooked for an extremely deserved phonecall, but it didn't matter.  I had 1 blastocyst make it to freeze.  1 beautiful little overachiever with the cell count of 8 and the grade of 6 BB.  We had done it and it was perfect. 

I will take this as my sign that something can come of this. I will take from it what I can.  I needed to feel hopeful. I needed to share good news with my husband.  I needed to shout it from the rooftops!  Something good will happen.  IVF didn't completely fail me! THANK HEAVENS.  Now, will I jump into a FET with only one embryo when it could possibly die before it's even thawed?  Probably not.  But it's there.  If I wanted to, I could.  And though I still feel sad about the outcome of my cycle, I also think that our one embryo has given us renewed hope.

I think it's important to hang onto any positivity I can find at this point.  So that's what I intend to do :)

xoxo
L

Nostalgia, Injections, and what's to come...

NOSTALGIA:

Once upon a time, I never thought about getting pregnant.  I never fantasized about my belly or a nursery. I never watched other families longingly. Kids always seemed kind of loud and crazy to me and babies were a little too fragile to take a chance holding.  At the time (up until a couple years ago) I just kinda figured it was because I wasn't ready for that phase.  I'm HUGELY into enjoying the phase I'm currently in (infertility phase - not as fun), so that's what I was doing. 

I always knew I wanted kids (before I even knew I wanted a husband) but not to ooh and aww over and not to dress up in frilly dresses.  I wanted to have a child because I really and truly believe in family and unconditional love being 2 HUGE things in my life that make everyday better.  They are what make me strong and I've always wanted to pass that along.  Plus, I love learning/enjoying/living through my family's experiences.  More people = more learning! It always made sense. But I never really fantasized or spoke about it more than say, once a year...and even then it was usually prompted by someone else's wondering. Now looking back, I think...how long ago that all seems. 

Some people miss high school, some people miss college, I miss those days.  The ones before I knew I was kinda broken.

I shouldn't dwell but September always makes me a bit nostalgic. 

INJECTIONS: 

This month, I'm going through with IVF and last night was the first of my injections.  What I've learned:

1. Injections hurt. 

2. My husband is not a nurse and does not quite have a hang of the needle. Just yet.  He's trying, but I hope it gets better soon.

3. I will have a doctor appt almost every day this month (for monitoring).

4. I am becoming increasingly poor with making excuses to miss happy hours and social outings that involve alcohol.

5. I catch myself hoping more and more every day that this works.  And that scares me!

 MY IVF CALENDAR SO FAR:

Blood test/ultrasound - prescribed birth control and thyroid med to help egg quality.
10 days of BC
AF arrives
Cycle Day 3 blood tests and ultrasound to check ovaries, lining, etc.
Day 3 - Begin injections of Menopur & Follistim at night/Husband begins Doxycycline.
Day 6 - followup appointment to check on progress.

On an exciting note, I'm booking a sublet apartment in Manhattan for the entire month of October.  If this doesn't work out, I'm outta here! Just joking. Hubs and I just need to get away and take a month off of this rollercoaster...plus we're having our basement finished and dealing with construction doesn't sound too soothing!

xoxo
L

Fail.

For some reason, my body just loves not being pregnant. 29 years going strong.

Aunt Flow arrived AGAIN so our first IUI party-in-my-uterus is officially a bust. Had a feeling this would be the case, but hoped otherwise.  Oh well.  Time to move on.  Not completely positive which science project we'll lend our bodies to this month, but I'm sure it'll be something invasive, expensive and crazy.  Weeee. 

Signing off...

No Toys in the Waiting Room.

Walking into my Palace de Infertility this morning, I happened upon something quite strange.  A woman in the far corner of the waiting room was seated with a miniature person <gasp!> on her lap.  Holy smokes, could that be...? A CHILD!  At first glance, I thought, "Wow, that kid is really good."  No crying, no screaming, no restlessness (which is more than I can say for myself in that place). Just sitting, buckled into mommy's lap and staring ahead at the new people surrounding her.

Choosing a seat, I was struck suddenly by two thoughts:

-This is the first time in ALL of my visits that I have seen a child (or even a pregnancy) in the waiting room.

And then...

-There are no toys here. No toy corner. No playroom. No children's book nook or Highlights magazine. Nothing.

I mean, I understand that the reason we're here is because we can't have babies, but it's still alarming to notice once again...this is not normal. Once again, I am in an abnormal setting that most people would find odd.  I wondered if secondary infertile people leave their kid at home for all visits or if friends with kids are forced to do the same when accompanying a friend.  I don't know.  Yes, the no kid-zone is a good place to read a book, but it's also eery.

This is an infertility clinic, where EVERY single patron signing in is hoping and praying for a child.  They want kids. All of them. Every last one.  This isn't some adult club where we hang a sign on the door reading, "No kids allowed." And yet, there has never been a child, baby or pregnant person visible in any of my 9 thousand visits. I'd never even noticed.  How ironic.

~L

I am a specimen.

This morning I had to go to the Infertility Palace again just to "make sure" I wasn't taking my ovulation kit the wrong way (seriously?) and didn't already miss the big day of O.  Normally, I ovulate on Day 17...which is tomorrow and I tried explaining this to Doc, but she didn't want to "take a chance."  Obviously I didn't resist too much and went ahead.  Plus, who doesn't want to wake up at 5:50am on a Saturday?  

When I arrived I was ushered into a room to have bloodwork and ultrasounds taken immediately.  Lucky girl. I feel like a blood faucet lately.  Instead of "Hi, how are you," I'm just going to start holding my arm out because I'm pretty sure people only want my blood.  Or maybe I'm getting a complex. Just maybe.

I know that blood-letting is a necessary step for me because, well, they have no choice but to check my blood for all sorts of good stuff, but I can't help but HATE it. More and more each time. I think I'm programmed to rebel against the predictability.  Can't we switch things up once in a while?  Maybe try a leaching method?

I feel like such a specimen.  So much poking, prodding, talking about me in front of me. It's a strange world, this place of infertility.  A place where I need the doctors and nurses WAY more than they need me, so I have to put up with any old bedside manner they decide to throw my way.  And be grateful.  Which...ultimately I am. Very much so.

On the upside:

Tomorrow is natural IUI day, numero uno! I'm so excited! The doctor actually said, "wow, there it is!" when she saw my egg, so I'll take (what I can get) it as a good thing. Maybe it's the golden egg. We shall see!

Til tomorrow!

L

Surgery: Hysteroscopy

So, here are the pictures that I was handed moments after my surgery wrapped up.  Yes, I was all sorts of woozy from the anesthesia, but even so, I could see a difference had been made! The top left corner is way different from the bottom right corner. Finally! My uterus was lookin good (for a uterus)!

These pics, although informative, are super graphic. Sorry!

Post-Op Appt (Post Septum Removal)

So, the post-op appointment today went well. Doc did an ultrasound and confirmed that yes, my uterus has been successfully cleared of a septum that seemed to go on and on for days.  It was huge and now it's bare.  All that is left is a tiny heart shaped cleft...which is fine. Doc said most women have this. Phew.

As for everything else, I'm good to very good. The only thing that seems a tad on the high side is my FSH levels which are at a 9.  Hopefully it's just some freak reading from with my Day 3 bloodwork because it does seem insanely high for my age, but regardless...they told me not to worry. So I shan't.  I can just keep it in the back of my mind. Now...

WHAT COMES NEXT?!

After the past 12 months of annoyingness (aka: peeing in cups, peeing on sticks, taking my temperature, charting, downing vinegar and pineapple, etc) yielding nothingness I know that I will not be trying naturally for a while. Yes my septum could have decreased blood flow and made it harder to get pregnant all that time, but I still could have. Yet I didn't.  At the end of the day, I am still an infertile mertile so let's just get 'er done already. Or as my high school cheerleading squad would squawk:  Let's "Be aggressive. B-E Aggressive!" (B-E  A-G-G-R-E-S...ok, ok).  These are my choices:

IUI

IVF

IUI has multiple options attached to it. 

Natural

w/oral meds (clomid, etc)

w/injectibles 

Hmmm...

This is a tough choice.  I wanted to go with IUI for sure before this appointment. It would take up less insurance money and I figured that an IUI with injectibles would give me a great shot.  Plus, Doc semi-confirmed that as far as IUI's go, this would be my best shot. According to her, there was no need to take Clomid as I'd never missed an ovulation.  

However, nothing is ever that simple with me.  Apparently I have a ton of follicles.  This is a problem only because of the injectibles.  They could make me create loads of eggs and follicles and if that happens,  they won't proceed with the IUI to avoid an Octo-Mom outcome. Crikey.  I hate the thought of any month being cancelled.

During this conversation, Doc explained just how the whole process with injectibles works...she even showed me the shot-gun (bang) that I'd have to use.  In a nut shell, it ain't easy.  It's tons of work. Lots of shots. Lots of doctor visits. And not that high of a success rate.  Other than the hormone meds being lower than IVF and no egg retrieval, it sounded just as intense as a round of IVF.

Now, do I go with the plan that has a higher success rate and lower rate of being cancelled?  BUT is slightly more invasive and way more costly? That's the question I'm dealing with.  If I have a ton of follicles and may have to cancel a medicated IUI round, I'll be pissed at wasting time.  After doing this jig for a year, I can't just sit a month out of the game.  Mentally, I just can't.

It seems clear after writing this, to move on with IVF but I'm still not convinced. So many hormones. Ugh.  Fortunately (or unfortunately) I did find out in this meeting that the 10 days of birth control I was on for my surgery restarted my clock.  This means that I can't move forward with a medicated IUI or IVF this month anyway, so I guess I have some time to think about it.  

Hopefully everything becomes a little clearer in the next day or so. 

til then...

L

Not a T shape.

So, as luck (and I do mean that) would have it, I am not a T-shaper.  Nope.  What I was...was misdiagnosed.  Doctors apparently do that from time to time.  However, my alleged "T-shaped" uterus was in fact not shaped like a T at all. Not even a little bit.  Upon switching infertility clinics, switching doctors and having every new doctor and their mother up in my business for days and days on end, a 3D ultrasound revealed "a very large septum." Whaaaaaat?!

Dare I say...yay?

For next time, the answer is "No" (unless in my head). Because upon saying that I was "actually really excited to hear that" my new and emotionally ridiculous doctor went on to stare in disbelief and say, "I wouldn't say it's exciting to have a septum"

Thanks dummy.

I mean, I know I'm still infertile. I know my uterus is crazy-pants and wants to be all sorts of things other than a baby-carrying uterus.  I knooooow.  However, I'm excited.  Double-however, this particular dummy is actually a very smart man in the medical field who also just gave me the most exciting news of my infertile life, so upon ushering me out of his office, I did not shout, "I AM EXCITED, WHETHER YOU LIKE IT OR NOT!" at the top of my lungs. I did not.

Instead, I made an appointment for my first surgery ever and GOT PUMPED!  After 12 months of zero double-lineness and a sorta awful doctor originally telling me that my uterus was trying to emulate the first letter of my last name, I was (and am currently) really really excited to be able to do something about my state of no-babyness.  Sure, surgery sounds awful, but it's better than peeing on sticks and crying all day. Right?

Right!

Well, surgery was last Wednesday and I am officially in the 'healing' phase...which is extremely easy and really just involves wearing lots of hugely uncomfortable diaper pads to soak up the large quantities of guts pouring out of me every minute.  Just joking! Kind of.

The doctor performing said surgery seems to think that everything went really well, as he was able to clear out all the way to the right and left fallopian tubes. They were also able to take some insanely clear pictures in there, so I will update the blog later with them. 

My post-op appointment is next Monday, the 30th. Yay!!!