Progesterone In Oil Shots: My Tips!

As a survivor of well over a million of these oily shots straight to the tookus, I like to think that by the end I kinda had a good thing going.  Not enjoyable per se, but a far cry from where it all began. So, here is what I learned...

1. ALWAYS make sure to switch your needle.  Obviously, you will remember to do this.  OBVIOUSLY.  Because if you don't, you end up using the MASSIVE needle that is created solely to suck the medicine into the syringe to puncture your hiney...and then you will scream out in pain and punch your husband (as soon as he's finished, of course). 

2. Morning shot time.  This is sooooo important and I'll tell you why.  For the first 2 IVF's, I had an 8pm shot time because this worked with our work schedules.  Every night at 8pm I'd get shot, sit on a heating pad, massage the area and walk around for a couple hours before going to sleep.  Every morning, I'd wake up with a numb bum without fail.  During my FET, I took a producing job that required me to work at night, 6pm-10pm.  I was freaking out because my shot time would get messed up!  Aaaaah!  We had no choice but to move it to 7am, right before Jeff left for work...and sometimes a little later on weekends.  Well, what do you know?  No more numb butt!  Moving around for a couple of hours is good, but moving around for an entire day is WAY better in my opinion.

3. Light a candle.  Not only does a good smelling candle go a long way for making the "experience" a pleasant one, but you should also heat the oil up by holding it above the flame for a little while.  This thins out the oil and makes it go in your bum easier.

4. Happy music.  Yes, I've sort of become one of Pavlov's dogs, because now there are 3 songs that completely make me feel like I'm about to get a progesterone shot in my hiney, but that's the price I pay.  Happy music helps for a happy distraction.

5. Ice Pack/Heating Pad.  Ice the injection site until you've been stabbed.  Then apply the heating pad.

6. My lovely lady lumps.  No matter what you do, you will get a few lumps in your butt. It's unavoidable from my experiences.  However, I like to think of these lumps as temporary butt implants. Move over, J.Lo.

7. Chase it with some water.  The longer you do the shots, the more things will happen.  First and foremost, your pregnancy will progress (whoooo!), your butt lumps will develop, and you may or may not feel a little light headed some mornings.  For me, it's happened about 3 times total.  BUT, I've noticed that a glass of water as my companion goes a long way.

xoxo
L

8 Weeks - Heartbeat 167

The heartbeat was 167 and the Cheerio measured right to the day - 8 weeks exactly.  Hallelujah!!!  

This morning we heard the best sound in the world for the third time and I for one (Jeff, for two) couldn't be more thankful, excited, blessed, happy, and through the roof.  This past week was a scary one, but I'm willing to move past it and not hold anything against my uterus as long as it keeps its' end of the bargain and stops acting crazy with it's spontaneous bleeding ways.  Thank God that is over.

Now onto my new thing to worry about...

Being released to my regular OB.  EEK!

Today was my official LAST day with my RE and the infertility palace.  I am soon to join the ranks of normal fertile girls everywhere and sit in a waiting room with gals who got pregnant the ol' fashioned way.  I seriously cannot imagine.  A room of girls not looking completely forlorn with crossed toes and fingers?  What a strange thought.  

Leaving today was surreal.  I was handed a USB drive with pics of our little Cheerio, a goody bag (yes, really) with pregnancy magazines, while exchanging heartfelt goodbyes.  This place that I have loathed going to for the past million days is about to be in my past.  And yet, it didn't quite feel like it was the end.  I said to Jeff as we made our exit out of the parking lot, "I guess it's like graduating high school.  We won't feel a difference until we just don't go back." Weird.

So, here's my problem.  I am HAPPY to graduate.  I mean, that was the goal the whole time here...but I'm also sooooo scared.  I'm scared to stop my progesterone shots and switch to progesterone suppositories and then I'm scared to stop those at 10 weeks.  I'm scared that nobody will be monitoring my blood and I'm scared that the baby's placenta won't take over.  Why didn't anyone tell me that graduating from my RE and going to a regular OB (which should make me feel like a regular person...a good thing) would be so scary! Aaaaah!

xoxo
L

FET: 2 Week Wait "Symptoms"

Here are my symptoms as they stand now:

Day of transfer - weird buzzy, anxious feeling all day. Stomach aches. (maybe from PIO and Prog supp? Too much progesterone? Or maybe just nerves from having so many people up in my junk earlier in the day.)
1DP5DT - nothing
2DP5DT - nothing
3DP5DT - Acupuncture. Period-like cramp lasts for a few minutes while walking down my street.
4DP5DT - nothing
5DP5DT - have a pregnancy dream.  This is not a real sign for me, though because it's happened before.
6DP5DT - awful period cramps. Last for a looooong time. Pretty sure it's period time.
7DP5DT - wake up feeling nothing AGAIN. No boob stuff, no cramps. Never got the implantation bleeding or whatever. Decide to test.  POSITIVE on internet cheapie test.  Take a digital: Pregnant.  Decide to wait for the beta before jumping for joy.  I've waited way too long for this to get my hopes up prematurely.
8DP5DT - nothing.
9DP5DT - bloodwork and pregnancy test. BETA is 543! Cramping/twinges in my chest and lower back. A weird prickle-y sensation. While commuting into the city, I also felt winded very easily.
10DP5DT - Just walked a mile and felt out of breath way too easily.  However, on a normal day, I would just chalk this up to not exercising enough.

SOOOO...as frustrating as it is, if my pregnancy test did not say "positive", I would honestly not think this was the month. Being pregnant does not feel all that different...at least not yet!

!!!!!!! Beta 543!!!!!!!!

Holy crap!!!! We are PREGNANT!!!!!  

And my Beta is 543! 

The nurse said that could mean multiples. Who knows?!?!?! Omigod, I've never been so excited! AAAAAHHH

I go in on Wednesday (2 days from now) for Beta number 2...from there I will be going in 7 days after that for our first ultrasound!

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo
L 

 

Transfer Day: The Haps...

I started off the morning with my 2mg of Estrace, a shot of PIO and of course a progesterone suppository.  Of course.  I'd only received THREE of them up until now. Each time a transfer was cancelled, another suppository thrown into the stockpile. 

Then, my phone rang and a nurse told me to arrive at the clinic at noon.  NOON! I was soooo excited that I wouldn't have to wait.  While on the phone with my nurse friend, I asked some simple questions (how long does it take: 15 minutes) (what's the deal with the water: she said to have a glass of water when I arrive...no big deal) and I also confirmed that I would like laser acupuncture before and after but would like to cancel being a part of the HCG wash clinical study.  Basically, I did not feel that I'd researched it enough to properly make an educated decision and seeing that this was my first transfer, I didn't want any regrets.  

We rolled up around 11:40am to an extremely empty building. It was awesome.  I was the first person to sign in and if I hadn't waited to hold the door open for the lady after me, I would have been the first transfer performed.  Damn manners.  

Here's my timeline from this point forward:

11:50am

Change into the usual hair-net, backless body sack dress and booties
Drink big cup of water
Sit on table
WAIT

12:15pm

Sign some papers
WAIT
Get a little anxious
Get more anxious

12:40pm

Nurse checks my belly. I am at the proper fullness.
Anxiety.
Start to have to pee. A LOT.

12:55pm

Laser Acupuncture begins and ends. Very simple. Very quick. Very diff from needle acu.
Pee becomes unbearable.
Nurse gives me a cup with a line that I can't pee above.
Off to the bathroom I go.  Feel better instantly.

1:25pm

TRANSFER BEGINS. 
Doctor shows me the embryos. A 6BB and a 5BC.  Learn that one of our 5BC's did not make it.  In the doctor's words, "it was the kind of embryo that could make a miscarriage, but not a baby."
I feel slightly bummed having heard the news, but don't let on.
Team adjoins, introductions ensue, embies are wheeled in, hubs is moved to the side and my legs fly sky high. Showtime.
One woman presses hard on my already temperamental bladder with an ultrasound wand. 
I worry about peeing on everyone.
The catheter hits a 90 degree angle. This causes a delay and additional abdominal pressure.
I really worry about peeing on them all.
Magically, I don't.

1:45pm 

Our embryos have officially been placed! (coolest, craziest, best feeling ever)
My one night stand team wheels out, Acupuncturist wheels back in.
Relaxation time.

2:15pm 
We are alerted that it is time to go. Bedrest time! (my goal is to do 24 hours hardcore/48 hours semi-hardcore & back to work on Tuesday)

Honestly, I think the whole day went well...considering.  Considering I've never done this before, had no idea what to expect and am AWFUL with surprises.  Considering that I had anxiety while I waited for my turn before and after.  Considering that when I got home, I had to POOP (I mean, wtf?!) and I feared pooping out my embryos.  Considering my stomach felt rattled for hours after. 

Luckily, I'm feeling way less anxious today and bed rest is getting easier for my antsy self.  Jeff brought me an amazingly thoughtful breakfast in bed with DECAF coffee (and did I mention he also ran out for my favorite Italian food last night?).  I'm spending my morning feeling truly relaxed while also trying anything I can think of to stay entertained...which at the moment includes reading Gone Girl, a supremely effed up book.  I recommend it.

Bloodwork appointment tomorrow! 1/21

xoxo
L

5BC to the left (I think he's hatching) and 6BB on the right. What a beaut.

Transfer Day...Awww snap!!!!

IT'S OUR FIRST TRANSFER DAY EVER!!!!!

After TWO cycles of IVF, endless shots and a whole bunch of craziness, IT'S HAPPENING!!!!  FINALLY!!!! (it's times like this when I think there aren't enough exclamation points in the world...)

New Year, New Ideas

During this TTC journey, I have been adamant about living my life as normally as possible.  It has been a long road and I never wanted to change my life so drastically that I would look back and regret not hanging out with friends and family, canceling fun weekend trips or long vacations because of anything fertility related. I did not want infertility (while a MASSIVE part of my life) to run the show. Ultimately, I've had a good couple years.  

I've done things that have not only been fun but life changing.  Packing up an RV with two of our closest friends and driving across the country on an 18 day adventure of a lifetime WAS scary at first.  A part of me wanted to stay home, refrain from late nights, mark my days of ovulation and definitely stay away from the alcohol and bad foods. Thank goodness the other part of me was far more convincing.  The trip changed me...for the better.  And it also put 2012 on the map. In a good way. 

Here's the VIDEO.

So, now it's 2013.  What lies ahead? I don't know.  But I do know that I'm willing to make a big change in order to achieve our goal.  I've been wondering if hitting the occasional happy hour, dinner out, dinner in, party, and weekend trip filled with what most fertility sites would call too much wine could be hurting my chances.  I would never drink during my tww or even throughout most of my IVF cycles, but during those other two weeks or when a cycle has been canceled...forget it.  I let loose.

That's why, for the first time ever, I'm going to give up booze completely.  Usually my mind is constantly doing something I call Fertility Math to figure days that I can do things, can't do things, days that will affect my eggs for an IVF cycle, etc.  And yes, I am thinking well...it's January.  These eggs would be used in March (if the 3 month rule holds out).  Do I need good eggs in March? What if my FET works this month or next month? Then, it will all be for naught.  Oh well.  That's the chance I'm willing to take in 2013.  This year from January 1st through May 1st I will do my FIRST EVER full booze cleanse.  No cocktails...at all.  I will also work on achieving better and more sleep.  And sticking with acupuncture.

I know it's only my 4th day in, but I am already SOOO excited.

HERE'S TO AN AMAZING YEAR!
xoxo
L

Eggie energy

So, as I'm gearing up for my FET this month, I've been dissecting the past two IVF cycles...and even a little before that. 

In July of 2012 when I was gearing up for my August IUI, we found out that the hubs may have a MFI problemo.  A problem of the morphology kind.  So starting in early August, he began to take Fertility Blend for Men.  IUI failed, so in September we moved on...but he continued with his pills.

 The first IVF 'antagonist' cycle resulted in: 19 eggs retrieved, 14 mature, 7 fertilized, ending in no transfer but a frozen:

(1) day 6 - 6BB blast.

--Due to the lack of fertilization, the hubs ups his dosage, sticks with his handful of walnuts a day (chinese medicine) and gives up caffeine.  Also, we hope that since FB has been in his system for a few months things will improve. They do.

My second long lupron cycle resulted in: 31 eggs retrieved, 22 mature, 20 fertillized, 6 day 5 blasts.  One 6CD and one 6DD blast are discarded leaving us with no transfer once again, but 4 frozens:

(2) 5BC
(1) 6CC
(1) 6CB blasts.

In total, I have 5 blasts 'on ice'.  Of course, superficially this sounds fantastic.  But by digging deeper, I feel that my egg quality is lacking. Why can't my embryos make it to blast on day 5?  Why do they always need an extra day?  My FSH level is high for my age at a 9...but then again my doctor says that this number changes constantly and not to get too caught up in it. 

What I can get caught up in though is the grades of my blasts and the fact that so many seem to be lacking energy.  Some clinics throw away a 6CC.  After researching it, I've decided that I need a plan should all of these blasts/FET's fail due to egg quality.  I bought some CoQ10 and have decided this. I will do an FET in January and February. Should they fail or become cancelled, I will give up all things (wine!!) unhealthy/acidic for March, April, and May.  Also, I will take the CoQ10 and continue going to acupuncture.  Hopefully this will make for a super healthy batch of eggs in late May/early June.  I just wish my doctor had told me about CoQ10 sooner.  I mean, it's been FOREVER that I could have been doing it for.  I hate all this trial and error!  Ugh.

So there you have it. Another day, another plan.  I am SOOO looking forward to 2013...

Four.

Four blastocysts made it to freeze. My two 'almost blasts' and two of the morulas will join my previously created frozen embryo from last cycle.

And even though ALL I've wanted is to partake in a transfer, I'm okay. Yes, it is depressing for another holiday season to pass us by baby-free but what can we do? It wasn't meant to be (I don't really believe that, but I'm trying to be cordial with myself). And four frozens is more than I could have hoped for.

FET scheduled for February unless an opening becomes available before then.

Fingers crossed...

IVF #2 - Cancelled AGAIN.

2 almost blasts, 3 morulas, 8 "disorganized" morulas, and 7 arrested embryos = my previously exciting 20 fertilized embryos.

So many thoughts are whizzing through my mind.  I am happy that all 20 mature eggs fertilized. That in itself takes care of the MFI issue from the previous cycle.  

I don't understand however, why so many of our embryos' became "disorganized."  To me, this sounds like a reason why we shouldn't even try naturally.  Are we incompatible?  Do we have a 50% chance of that happening since it happened to almost half of our stock?  Why so wacky, sperm/egg-combo?

Why have I never had a perfectly ready 5 day blastocyst ready to transfer?  Why are they growing slowly?  I've done an antagonist cycle and a long lupron cycle. One yielded 1 almost blast out of 7 fertilized embryos and the other, 2 out of 20. Why is it so hard to get to blast? Why so slow?

Why doesn't my clinic do a day 6 transfer and or why wouldn't they transfer 2 of the morulas?  If they are going to cancel it anyway, can't we at least throw something in there while my lining is "perfect"?  Can't we do SOMETHING?  What if they like my uterus better than your stinky lab?  Come on!

It doesn't help that they have SUCH strict criteria (no fresh day 3 transfers, morula transfers, almost blastocyst transfers) paired with an insanely packed schedule.  I can't schedule an FET until February now.  

Merry Christmas. This sucks.
L

Symptoms

So, unlike most girls who make a list of pregnancy symptoms when they think they could possibly have a bun in the oven, I have a list of "non-pregnancy symptoms" that occur while I know 100% that I am not/could not possibly be preggers.

For instance, today I have the WORST heartburn.  When I say the "worst" I mean that it actually feels like there is a small pool of molten lava sitting in my throat waiting to spill out at all times.  If but a year prior, my younger, less jaded self would easily categorize this as a symptom.  However, I am going through IVF and definitely not with-child.  So, now I know....it's nothing.  And in turn, I now know that it is possible to have such out-of-nowhere discomfort without being pregnant.  

Symptoms like this one remind me that I cannot be fooled when it is time for the waiting game.  Those weird twinges in my belly last month that occured when I was not pregnant - normal.  That strange lower abdomen sensation - nothing again.  And what about that time I thought my eyesight spontaneously became razor sharp out of nowhere only to have me exclaiming wildly,  "IT MUST BE A BABY!" within the confines of my brain - Nope. Nada.

I think that I partly make this list of non-symptoms because I've reached a level of insanity that cannot be helped but also I think I do it for safety.  I can't bare to get my hopes up too much. Too often.

When we first started "trying" (I hate that term - ew) symptoms were actually quite fun.  

"Oh my God Jeff, I am SO nauseous!" 

or

"Some weird crap is going on in my stomach right now."  

Well, guess what? Weird crap = crap.  Bowel movements do not a child make.  Symptoms were a great way to secretly think I was about to get the greatest surprise of my life. Especially since they seemed to change EVERY SINGLE MONTH.  But like anything else that is done over and over again counting symptoms gets old.  Then desperate.  And finally, I just got straight up jaded (as if I need another thing to be jaded about!) as a result.  

When your girlfriend is like, "whoa, my sense of smell is crazy today...what if I'm pregnant?!" all Jaded Laura can ever say back is, "let's take a test," even when I should be saying something along the lines of, "OHMYGOD! YAAAAY! A BAYBEEEE!!!" or anything similar.  To me, I'd rather just know instead of enduring days filled with whimsical symptoms that could possibly mean zilch. I mean, why waste the time living in La La Land.  Right?

Holy smokes, I've just had a revelation:

I...think that I may be a symptom scrooge.

Being any kind of scrooge at this time of year is not cool. Hopefully it's just the meds talking. Seriously, tell me your symptoms, I won't bite. I promise! 

Right now I'm on 100 (down from 150) of Follistim, 5 units of Lupron, and 1 vial (down from 2) of Menopur.  Tonight will be night 10!  Almost at the end!!!!

xoxo
Laura

IVF Calendar, Part Deux

11/7 - Start AF, start BC

11/17 - Start Lupron 10units

11/21 - end BC

11/24 - Day 1

11/26 - Day 3 bloodwork/ultrasound & start 5units Lupron, 150 Menopur (2 vials), 150 Follistim

11/29 - Day 6 b/w & u/s. Meds stay the same. 14 on the left, 25 on the right.

12/1 - Day 8 the Doc said I was "plentiful." As usual, I will take what I can get compliment-wise.

12/3 - Day 10 - my biggest follie is 14. Change prescription to one Menopur and have to return tomorrow.

12/4 - Day 11 - I'm on the "daily plan," whoop whoop.  I have a few eggs at 16, but the rest are all smaller.  They believe my retrieval will be Saturday and they also think that given the amount of follicles, I may need to prep myself for OHSS. Booooo. OHSS will mean that I have a chance of freezing all eggs for a future FET. Double booo. Crossing my fingers for a happy outcome...that does not include cantalope sized ovaries and gallons of Gatorade ingestion. 

12/5 - Day 12 - Giving blood was not fun today. Instead of a "pinch," I most definitely felt a "stab."  As far as follicles go, I think I have a lot in there, but I think there is only 1 18mm one and all the rest are 16 and under.  I'm getting sooooo nervous.   

12/6 - Day 13 - I trigger tonight!!! My biggest follicle was 24, which seems like a lot for it to grow overnight.  I also had 2 20's, 2 19's, a few 18's and a lot less than that.  I HOPE THIS WORKS!!! 
updated to add: estrogen at 5399 - high 

12/7 - 2am - trigger with 1 Ovidrel shot.  

6am - B/w & u/s AGAIN.  Luckily, they were able to take blood from my left arm for once, so that was a pleasant surprise.  Still some fluid in my lining but lots of egg as well.  Not sure on Estrogen level yet. will post later... 

12/8 - Retrieval Day!!! They retrieve 31 eggs.

12/9 - We are told that 20 have fertilized normally without the need for ICSI. 

12/13 - Find out that the embryos are running a day behind schedule.  4 day 5 blasts are frozen for an upcoming FET in Feb (unless something opens sooner).
 

Loopy Lupron

Today will be day 3 of Lupron injections and I cannot believe how weird this drug is.  I wake up feeling SOOOOO tired.  And I was in a wedding on Saturday, which usually makes me anxious and hyper and scared and the complete opposite of tired, but I was a total droop ball.  It was crazy.

Oh, and then I cried out of nowhere which has actually never happened to me.  So that was a new one.  Not looking forward to the next couple weeks of this stuff if this is just the beginning!

I'll make sure to update on my side effects...as long as I don't get committed to the looney bin before that!

So, I cried...

This weekend, I had a Bachelorette party for one of my best friends...

And I cried.

The night began when I pulled up a chair to dinner and asked the girl across from how she was.  Her reply was a simple and excited, "Good!" followed by, "I'm...pregnant."  Wow. I did not expect that.  However, my reaction was pretty (semi-) normal. I did alright! Until she followed up with, "... and so is blah blah!" (blah blah was the girl sitting to my left).  Suddenly I found myself surrounded by fertile girls that I was insanely jealous of.  And it totally threw me off.
I could not shake it.

Every minute, every hour, I thought of their little baby bumps. Their babies in their bellies. I thought of the fact that I have not ever had one.  I thought of how badly I want one.  I basically thought of EVERYTHING having to do with my fertility and nothing to do with my friends bachelorette party.  It was like I was in a trance. Posessed.  

That's why, when 3am rolled around and I got a second with my soon-to-be-married lady friend, I broke down. I didn't mean to.  Really and truly. But it happened.  I told her that I was so excited for the other girls. SO excited.  Because, honestly...I am. I feel like getting pregnant is so impossible that the fact that they achieved it is amazing. But as soon as the words came out of my slightly drunk mouth, I felt my lip quiver and the flood gates open.  I cried, "It's just been so hard," and you know what?

It has.

It has been SO freaking hard. Hard on my body, hard on our bank account...but mostly, it has been so hard on my mind. And I'm tired. Not tired enough to quit or give up, but tired. Exhausted, even.  The thought of my next IVF cycle starting up in a month is scary.  What if it doesn't work again? What will happen?

I won't die. I won't give up. But I do feel that I will find myself getting progressively more exhausted.  It's been a long and hard road with no end in sight. But, I refuse to give in to jealousy and I refuse to give up. We want a child...that's it. 

xoxo
L

A Glimmer.

I've always been a very positive person.  If there is at least a glimmer of hope, my brain defaults into thinking that happiness and goodness is winning out over sadness and badness. As a child, I was deliriously happy,which in adolescence turned to cautiously happy with a touch of realism and I think I've stayed that way ever since.  I like to think happy thoughts. Finding a way to think them, even when the most obvious emotion to feel is a negative one.  My brain is persistent.  It wants what it wants. And it wants to be happy.  Eternally so.  However, infertility is not a jolly prognosis.  It is the thing that keeps my brain searching, reaching, thinking thinking thinking.  Thinking that if we try hard enough, fight hard enough, want this bad enough...we will succeed. 

After my egg transfer was canceled, I broke down for the first time in a long time.  Like really broke down.  I've been quiet after bad news before.  I've teared up after dashed dreams.  But I've never fully broken down.  My stomach was filled with poison gnawing at me and I couldn't release tears and sobs fast enough.  I was mad.  SO mad. So pissed. So defeated. I couldn't believe that all of our work.  Everything we had gone through.  It was for nothing.  Nothing.  19 eggs = 2 morulas and an almost blastocyst.  The transfer was canceled. There would be no baby.

Then, I was told that the lab would call with results of the final 3 eggs. Would they make it to freeze?  My nurse sounded doubtful.  Especially of the 2 morulas.  It didn't look promising.  Well, I didn't receive a call.  An entire weekend passed and I did not hear a thing.  Parts of my brain continued to think that we just needed to try IVF again.  We just had to give it another shot.  Try harder. Be better.  But then reality would hit me.  It completely did NOT work this time.  Could we go through this disappointment again? And again? When the hubs said that he didn't want to see us go through the sadness another time, it was the first sign of defeat I'd ever seen in him.  When he said that he thinks we can be happy without children, I couldn't argue with him.  I could see that his brain was finally concluding that we may never succeed.  He had lost hope in the process. It was over.

I was expecting a call from the doctor on Monday morning to discuss the cycle and my next steps.  She, unlike the weekend lab people, actually did call when she was promised to.  Thank God.  She said things like, "you responded well" and "nice follicles" and "estrogen up to 3500."  I listened, writing her words feverishly until she also said, "And you can always do an FET cycle with just the one embryo if you don't want to do another fresh IVF right away."  

huh?

I literally could not put the breaks on the conversation quick enough.  Rewind, please! What do you mean FET? What do you mean 'embryo'? Where was my weekend call from the lab?! What the hell was going on?!

My heart soared. My glimmer of hope was happening.

Yes, I'd been overlooked for an extremely deserved phonecall, but it didn't matter.  I had 1 blastocyst make it to freeze.  1 beautiful little overachiever with the cell count of 8 and the grade of 6 BB.  We had done it and it was perfect. 

I will take this as my sign that something can come of this. I will take from it what I can.  I needed to feel hopeful. I needed to share good news with my husband.  I needed to shout it from the rooftops!  Something good will happen.  IVF didn't completely fail me! THANK HEAVENS.  Now, will I jump into a FET with only one embryo when it could possibly die before it's even thawed?  Probably not.  But it's there.  If I wanted to, I could.  And though I still feel sad about the outcome of my cycle, I also think that our one embryo has given us renewed hope.

I think it's important to hang onto any positivity I can find at this point.  So that's what I intend to do :)

xoxo
L

Nothing.

I feel pretty dead inside right now.  I've already cried more than I have in the past 12 months put together and now I'm just existing.  Feeling numb.  Tired.  Tomorrow should have been my transfer, but it has been canceled.  IVF should have resulted in a baby this month, but it won't.  I should have healthy eggs since I'm not even 30 yet, but it doesn't seem to be that way.  Out of the 19 eggs retrieved, 16 have arrested, 2 are morulas (which they believe will not make it to freeze) and one is 'almost' a blastocyst.

I'm 29. Why?  

If the almost blasto can make it to freeze, it will be freezed tomorrow. I hope it makes it, but nothing sounds promising at the moment.  All that work.  All that money.  Over.  I can't believe it.

I'm not sure what the next step will be for us. I think that we will still escape our troubles for the month of October and work/live in the city.  Maybe we can do another IVF cycle in November to get better eggs.  Maybe.  

This is so tiring. I'm tired. 

I've been calm...

but I'm slowly starting to lose it. 

For the past 7.5 years, I've had anxiety.  Some years were really bad, but recently I've gotten it under wraps.  The source of my panic usually lies in a very specific problem.  I have IBS. I like to know that I can go to the bathroom at any moment, should I happen to be overwhelmed with a sudden stomach ache.  From this fear, grew my anxiety.  It hit me in an instant during my college graduation (yes I did run off of the field during the president's speech) when I was sure I was merely having a heart attack, and has been with me ever since.  

Oddly enough, since struggling with infertility, I have been extremely calm.  At first I was sure I'd get pregnant "any day now."  Then, I was diagnosed with a T-shaped uterus.  The three months living with that misdiagnosis were the worst.  I wasn't anxious though, I was sad.  Then, I was finally told by a much more capable clinic that I had been misdiagnosed.  I had a septum in my uterus which could be removed with surgery.  From there, surgery, repair, an unsuccessful IUI and now IVF.  All back to back.  

In all of that time, the only anxiety that I experienced was minor and occurred while sitting on the hospital bed waiting to be wheeled into surgery and while I sat in the waiting room, waiting for my named to be called countless times.  And even then I'd have some anxiety in the doctor's room, waiting for the doctor.  I wasn't even scared by what the doctor would say or find. I was scared I'd have to go to the bathroom. A few times, I did actually run out of the room to use the facilities really quick. But that was it. All stomach related.

This is why I'm a little uneasy with how I feel now.  Anxious. But not over my stomach.  Will this work? I don't know...

Nobody knows.  I hate that.

So many shots, so many visits to the doctor, so many restrictions, so many lies to my friends and family about not being able to make plans because of my injection and doctor schedule.  10 days of the pill, 23 injections (so far...13 more progesterone to go), 5 pills a day, countless blood and ultrasounds.  I'm scared.  I'm invested.  I'm attached. And terrified by how it may end.

xo
L

Update: 7 eggies

I received the call from my nurse to say that out of the 19 eggs retrieved, 7 were fertilized. 

Why was I hoping for more?!  Why is there no insurance in the business of making babies?

Fingers, toes and dog's paws shall remain crossed until Friday.
L

It's okay to laugh.

If I had to sum this month up in one word, it would be: OUCH.  Sooooo many needles.  I sometimes wonder if my right arm (left arm's vein is never able to be found - sneaky) will ever heal or if people think I have a slight heroin addiction.  My abdomen under my belly has little prick marks in it along with a couple small yellow bruises and my back has two permanent marker circles drawn on it so that I know where to inject my progesterone tonight through the pregnancy test.  

But, I have to say...this made me laugh:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1dwMW_iNkz0

Not the biggest Kardashian fan, but a HUGE fan of anyone going public with anything having to do with fertility (Kim is freezing her eggs). And plus, this is kind of hilarious.  On the hubs' worst day, he was never that bad!

Enjoy!
L

Egg Retrieval Sunday Funday!

Who wears this shirt on their way to an IVF egg retrieval appointment?

The hubs, that's who!

So, the retrieval went well.  19 eggs retrieved. 

Here's how it all went down:

Sign papers.
Dress in beautiful hospital gown complete with hairnet, booties, and robe.
Thumb war with the hubs. I win.
Prep for IV.
Stab left arm to no avail.
Switch to right arm. IV success.
Talk to doctor. 
Walk with Anesthesiologist (aka- my BFF) to Operating Room. 
Lay on weird table with oxygen.
Say my name and last four digits of social security number.
Pass out.

-20 minutes later

Wake up with heating pad on stomach.
Say a few weird things that make little sense.
Eat cookie and drink apple juice.
Go to the rest room.  
Get dressed.
Leave.
Drive straight to Panera for broccoli/cheddar soup.

DONE.

The biggest blessing of the day was the anesthesia.  I mean, putting me on a bed similar to a massage table...only with my butt placed in the hole a face should go in was weird.  And from there, it only got weirder.  The lack of privacy was enough to pass out on my own without the gas or IV or whatever they gave me, but thankfully it didn't come to that.  I have always been a super-prude, so the position in which I was told to lay was NOT ideal but, it is what it is.  I do my part, they do theirs.  

Positive thoughts!