Breastfeeding: Please Don't Confuse Me Doing it With Liking it

So, here's my thing. I am DONE breastfeeding (WAY done). However, I never got the chance to write about it. I figure there is no time like the present (because Piper is sleeping at this moment) so here goes:

The first time I cried about my boobs, I was 13. A girl in my class announced that I was flat-chested and my crush sitting beside her couldn't help but laugh and agree. It was pretty earth shattering stuff. So earth shattering in fact, that before bed that night, I went home and PRAYED TO GOD for boobs. I kid you not. I begged the big man for knockers. It seemed reasonable at the time.

The next time I cried over my boobs would be about 17 years later, after the birth of my daughter. For me, the decision to breastfeed was a no brainer. My Grandma had done it. My Mom had done it. My sister had done it. I would obviously do it. People say it's better for the baby and that it is so "natural".  Besides, it would totally help me lose the baby weight. Right? Totally. It would also help form the most special bond between Mommy and baby and having just gone through years of infertility, I was beyond ready. Who wouldn’t be?!

The first time I threw my daughter on the boob was about 5 seconds after giving birth to her and she ate easily for 20 minutes. I instantly connected with my inner cave woman. It really was so natural! Breastfeeding was my bitch!

However, that first feeding would be the last easy one for the next five weeks. Every day was the same. Excruciating pain and undeniable dread filled me. Every time she cried for food, I cried for my boobs. They hurt SO freaking much. My daughter had an insatiable hunger and a shallow latch that even with the use of my own personal lactation consultant and a nipple shield (which I used for 5 whole weeks, by the way), did not help the pain. Not to mention the milk blisters and severe pain of engorgement. I was so overwhelmed and couldn’t help but feel very alone.

All day, my thoughts screamed, "How is something so natural, SO FREAKING PAINFUL?!" and "WHY GOD, WHY?!" and "I’M GOING TO KILL EVERYONE WHO TOLD ME THIS WAS EASY!"

Staying inside all day to be a food machine was hard on my mental state but going out in public did not help matters. My daughter was not a calm baby. The best way to comfort her was with a big dose of warm boob milk but the struggle get her latched on was ridiculous. One day at brunch, it literally looked like I was wrestling a squealing baby pig underneath my hooter hider. How did these women do it? What was the damn secret? Everyday I became increasingly miserable for dreading the beautiful miracle of boob food.

The last and final kicker came when breastfeeding did not yield the model-like weight loss results that every stupid article everywhere told me it would. No, but thanks for the endless articles on it, world. Really, thank you. Breastfeeding may make some girls super slim but breastfeeding made me HUNGRY. And even if my diet was awesome and filled with organic everything - eating an entire organic pizza is no way to get ready for a non-maternity wardrobe. In fact, a few weeks after I stopped breastfeeding completely, I lost 5 pounds with ease.

Now, I'm not saying not to breastfeed. No way! I did it for 8ish months (emphasis on the “ish”) and I'm so insanely proud of that (emphasis on the "insane"). But I wish I had more realistic expectations going into it. I can't lie and say that it was magical for me. It wasn't. Sure, I had good moments throughout – like not having to make bottles in the middle of the night and the exceptionally cuddly days - but that was really it.

Mostly, it was a hassle that wreaked havoc on my mind and body. To me, nobody should have to see their nipples crack, turn bright red or wake up in a pool of milk night after night after they’ve just been pregnant for the better part of a year. They shouldn't feel trapped to their couch or like there is no use in putting on a tank top that doesn't already have breast milk residue lingering.

I wasn’t the biggest fan but I did it and would I do it again? Yes, because my body allows it and science tells me it's good for my kid. I'm all about taking one for the team but this time I would know that not everyone is a mush ball over this bonding experience. Even when it gets easy (which, I swear it does) it isn't necessarily rainbows and puppy cuddles. It's a constant, never ending job and that's OKAY.

Every child is different; every mother is different. So even if I roll my eyes before grabbing my boppy and breastfeeding my child, please don't judge. I love my daughter and if anything, breastfeeding has just made me enjoy the stages AFTER even more.

xoxo
L 

My Recipe for the Perfect Family.

I'm a dreamer, an imagine-r, a stare out of the train window for hours-er. In moments where my brain is free, my mind floats away to the moon and when it does, mindless, endless ideas and lists form. It's something that occurs, like the morning sunrise, nothing I've ever planned. As a kid, I would list to-do's that I hoped to accomplish, but likely would not: History paper, Math homework, get a ride to volleyball, warn Mom and Dad that I'm probably failing French.

As I got older, the lists got older too. Errands, work goals, dreams, aspirations. Sometimes, if there wasn't a list to be made, I'd find myself rerunning a conversation in my head on repeat - my wandering mind never knowing how to rest. Yes, I realize that me talking about this might have you running for a xanax, but I actually barely notice it and who knows, maybe it's a really great brain exercise - or undiagnosed OCD. 

 

Then, two Wednesday's ago when I was showering before work, my mind wandered and listed as it tends to do. I didn't notice anything strange at first until I was toweling off and realized that I wasn't listing my to-do's anymore. I was listing stuff that had already been done. Stuff I'd already gone through. I was listing the major hurdles I had to overcome in order to grow my family.

septum surgery
IUI 
IVF 1
IVF 2
FET 
blood loss (during delivery)
D&C 
D&C 
natural pregnancy # 1
Miscarriage
natural pregnancy # 2 
please.please.please.letthisoneworkout.

So, there you have it. That's how you make a family.

It was something of a recipe, really. A little recipe that yielded one daughter thus far and always ended in a little hopeful begging because you see, I'm pregnant right now and for me, being pregnant has never been a carefree, happy time in my life. Instead, it has been filled with a lot of heartbreak, a lot of emotional roller coaster riding, and a lot of pushing the negativity into outer space and focusing on the complete picture. I am lucky because all of my hard work has not been without reward. My frozen embryo transfer gave me a daughter. A perfect daughter. And I promised myself that I would try very hard to give her a sibling. If it doesn't work out, she will know how hard I tried and in some way I hope that consoles her. 

So, as of now I am still in this phase of life where one tries to multiply their love with their spouse to create a little family tree. As much as I would love for the pressure of this all to be over, it is not. And so, I list. I list our journey over and over. A tortured mantra. A poem of empowerment. A prayer of some sort. Maybe I'm proud of everything I've gone through or perhaps just deeply scarred by it. Either way, it's my story. 

 

I wasn't always like this. Like most people I was really excited to have a child initially. It is my nature to be optimistic and jump into massive life decisions with deliriously positive abandon. Everything would work out! We had already been married a couple years and couldn't wait for the adventure to begin. These were obviously going to be the best days of our lives!

Turns out life was pretty great before. I never understood how hard some people have it. I never had to. But let met tell you, when you're in the waiting room of an infertility clinic and you can barely find a seat for the 57th day in a row, you find out a lot of people have it hard. There are basically 400 scientific miracles that must go perfectly every time someone gets pregnant with a healthy baby. When people call it "the miracle of life," it's probably because they've been through the mud.

For me, it started with a misdiagnosis (who has a T-shaped uterus anymore?), then correct diagnosis and subsequent surgery to remove a rather large uterine septum (goodbye, nature's birth control). This was followed by a failed IUI and two cancelled IVF cycles due to slow embryo growth and crappy eggs. Each of these things take an eternity, by the way. Lastly, I had a frozen embryo transfer where I placed two embryos in and was lucky enough to have one grow into my beautiful daughter (but not without 12 weeks of spotting and bleeding, hypothyroidism, bed-rest and a threatened miscarriage).  During delivery with her, my placenta adhered to my uterine wall (because why should anything be easy?) and I lost a LOT of blood. Two surgeries ensued and voila, I was a Mom. 

Who wouldn't want to go through all that again?! 

Right now, I am naturally pregnant. This will be my second natural pregnancy actually - the first ending with a miscarriage at 8 weeks, 5 days. On the first day of my in-laws visiting from across the country. While they ate pancakes on our dining room table and I cried alone in the bathroom upstairs. 

So yeah, everything is hard.

Infertility and pregnancy struggles are a very lonely place. Even if the waiting room is filled to the brim at an infertility doctor's office, nobody talks. It is eerily quiet. It is serious. The air is heavy with sadness and loss. Everyone offers half smiles while silently counting down the minutes until they never have to come back. This was not a club that people wanted to join. 

It is for that reason, that I would never want another person to look at my family and see something that isn't true. This did not come easy. This did not come without a fight. I wish I could wear this list on my chest. I wish fellow strugglers (and even non-strugglers for that matter) could know my family-making recipe because if they are going through even just a fraction of what I did, I would want them to feel less alone and give them the energy to keep going until everything is in the rear view mirror. Once it is, maybe we can all wave goodbye to these days together.

This is my family recipe. What is yours?

xo,
Laura

A Missed Opportunity: Our Miscarriage

It's weird to think about this right now because it's amazing what a few weeks will do. A few weeks ago, I was down. I was depressed. I was confused and trying my hardest to find an answer. Why? I'm very "why" oriented. 

When I was going through infertility, I felt relief over hearing that I had a uterine septum which made getting pregnant impossible. That was why! And going through 2 cycles of IVF and a frozen embryo transfer resulting in my first pregnancy, I had a lot of answers for everything. It was all very scientific. But this time around was SO very different.

It was almost December and I thought "Why not try to get pregnant?" I mean there is no way it would happen and I could regret not trying. What if my septum grew back? I figured there was maybe a 4 percent chance of it happening since it took ages last time. 

Well, we got pregnant. 

Truth be told, I was excited but it felt sooo weird. We barely tried. Two little kids?! Newborns are hard. They would be 22 months apart. I began to feel overwhelmed and it felt like my heart was going to jump out of my throat.

Turns out, that was my thyroid.

I had the thyroid issue with Piper, too so I knew to get to the doctor. I knew I needed meds and was put on synthroid. Along with my thyroid levels, they checked my blood and all was good. My beta was 125. Four days later, it was 750.

I had my first ultrasound at 6 weeks, 1 day. We only saw the gestational sac and yolk sac that day and were told to come in a week. Obviously, we did just that. A week later (7w 1 d), my beta was 14,000 and at the ultrasound we found the baby in there, flickering. It was the relief of the century. My entire body felt calmer. However, the baby measured 6 weeks. It was small so I was told to come back at 8 weeks. All I could think was, "Great. Another week of torture."

During this time, my thyroid level jumped to 4.5. For those that don't know...this is bad. It should be under 2.5. With Piper, I had been 4.7 unmedicated at 5 weeks. Normally, they wouldn't even test at this time in a pregnancy, but infertility clinics do. Thank God. This time, even on the same dosage, my numbers were going up and so the Doctor raised my prescription.

At 8 weeks 1 day, the baby was still there but this time it was only measuring 6w4days. It hadn't grown the 7 days worth but the heartbeat was 135. Obviously I panicked, but I figured out lots of excuses in my head (I'm good like that) to make it all better.

At 8 weeks 4 days, I started spotting and even though this happened with Piper, I knew it was bad. I ran to the doctor who showed me the heartbeat. I felt silly about going to the doctor so quickly but couldn't help feeling the impending doom. That night, I was overcome with nausea. I have never had morning sickness, so I figured that's what it was. I have never felt so sick. I vomited twice, before falling into the most restless sleep.

The next morning, at 8 weeks 5 days, the bleeding started again. I was having a miscarriage and it was gruesome. My inlaws had just flown into NJ from Washington State. They were downstairs enjoying a pancake breakfast while I tried to hold it together upstairs as I miscarried the baby. It was such a horrific ordeal because you can't stop it. The clots and the blood just come and there is nothing to do but wait for a brief interval...enough to get in the car and go to the doctor...which I did. I ended up having a lot of the miscarriage there actually. I was dilated. On the same ultrasound machine that showed my baby's flickering heart a day earlier, the doctor showed me a uterus dark with blood. 

That was it. 

Lucky for me, other than being in a terrible mood every now and then, I feel okay. My HCG dropped within 5 weeks and everything seems to have evened out. I've even started to come to terms with the fact that all of my plans I made while pregnant, won't happen. 

What could've been, will not.

Xoxo

L

Gestational sac.

Our last picture. Heartbeat 135bpm

39 weeks!

Okay, so I officially believe that I'll be pregnant until this wedding I'm in on Friday is over (39w/4days). THANK GOD.  The anxiety of it has been killing me (and my skin - helloooo teenage acne outburst).

Feeling: Better.  If I actually wrote this post on time (Monday), I would have said differently...but right now I feel okay.  The anxiety of being in this wedding/not knowing when labor will hit has been keeping me up every single night.  But as of today, I think I'll make it...at least until the rehearsal dinner tomorrow night.  So, yay!  I made it!  Standing in heels all day is a little nerve-wracking, but I'm just going to pretend that this is all normal. Mind over matter!


Symptoms:

-HUGE belly. 
-Acne has moved to my face
- Itchy belly has gotten itchier
- Still getting period cramps in my back.
-Feeling pressure...even though I am not any more dilated.

Weight: up 1 this week. 28 pounds gained...looks like I'll hit the 30 mark.
 
What I Miss: Standing up for long periods of time without feeling tired. Walking up a hill without feeling winded.  Bending over easily.  Sleeping on my back all night.
 
Doctor Appointment: Yesterday. Still dilated 1cm/50% effaced. I've been taking my primrose like crazy, but I think that the baby is going to come when she comes because I've been SOOO insanely active for the past 3 weeks and nothing.

Tricks that haven't worked:
-2 prenatal massages using specific labor-inducing pressure points
-ankle massage every night starting at 37 weeks
-walking at least 2 miles every day
-spicy food
...AND everything you can think of...besides castor oil.

Looking Forward To: 
xoxo
L 

A dream is but a dream...

Dreamt that I had the baby last night.

But it ended up being a dog.

I kept thinking, "Nooooo! I've been pregnant with a DOG this whole time?!"

Talk about a dissapoinment.  And then, it kept running away from me which was even more obnoxious.

It did turn into a little 4 year old by the end of the dream. But geez, a FOUR year old.

The whole thing was pretty strange...even for a pregnancy dream.

Happy Friday!
Laura

24 Weeks!

24 is my fave number.  Therefore, this will be the BEST pregnancy week of MY LIFE!!!!!  YAYAYAYAY

LBI, NJ

SUN BURN ALERT

High-waisted suit from Urban Outfitters.  Not for preggos, but I love it!

Right now, le bebe is weighing over a pound and working on her brain while I do important things such as endless housework, job work and lay on the beach...and play mini golf.

Feeling: Big!  The belly, she is a growin.

As far as life things go though, I am good.  Last week was rough as I started a new job producing at Lifetime TV and Jeff was away in Boston AND my insomnia decided to rear its' ugly head.  It wasn't the best week.  Going to work after sleeping for 4 hours was pretty much the worst ever. Especially when this job hired me to save their swamped/overworked producing/writing department. Oops. I was like, "oh sorry...you didn't realize it, but you just hired an insomniac preggo.  YOUR BAD! Mwahahaha"  

So other than the fact that my awesome Mom came to the rescue by sleeping over every night, last week can stay in the past if you ask me!

This week I'm excited to get a routine going.  It's been MONTHS since Jeff and I have been able to get in a groove because of my past jobs and his travel schedule but it's going to be amazing.  We can continue to work on house stuff (our house is getting painted this week!), work a normal schedule, relax and NEST.  Clearly, I can't wait for some normalcy.

Symptoms:
-Acne. Still going strong.
-Major Insomnia.  My doctor told me to take a Tylenol PM last week and I did.  One pill over the course of 2 nights.  It was my first medicine (other than prenates) I've taken ALL pregnancy and I'd love to not take it again.

Weight: Up another 2 pounds this week. YIKES!  14 total.

What I Miss: Nice skin and sleep.

Doctor Appointment: 27 week checkup.

Looking Forward To:  Everything. Getting used to my job. Seeing our house get painted.  Building the crib this coming weekend. Seeing Annie on Broadway on Tuesday. Watching my bump grow and feeling my little girl kick:)

xoxo
L

23 Weeks...whoop whoop!

Baby Girl is officially over a pound (probably), the size of a large mango and she can feel me DANCE...which incidentally makes me want to dance!

Feeling: Pretty good.  I keep wondering how often I'm supposed to be feeling the baby kick and squirm so I've had some worry about that.  Sometimes it seems like I feel her SO much and other days, not so.  I kinda just wish I could feel her nonstop until October 7th...if that's not too much to ask.

Bought my first pair of maternity jeans last week for a new job coming up and decided to wear them to dinner on Friday.  Well, guess who grew a TON in just 4 days?! ME!  I bought them decently baggy on Monday and boy, were they snug on Friday.  I did get ice cream cones practically every night this week, so I can't really blame it all on the baby:)

Symptoms:
-Acne. 
-Insomnia. This is new.  Now I'm not only uncomfortable, I wake up for over an hour in the middle of every night. Awesome.
-crampy/twinges.

Weight: 12 pounds.  Up 2 this week.

What I Miss: Nice skin. 

Doctor Appointment: 27 week checkup.

Looking Forward To:  Jeff getting home from Boston already and he only left yesterday:)

xoxo
L

Preggo: the ugly factor.

Pregnancy is beautiful, there's no doubting that.  But here's the thing...I have some seriously ugly things going on. 

For instance:

-sweat. and lots of it.  Some days I feel positive that I've just gotten home from working a 14 hour shift at the gas station and not just walked the dog around the block.

-dandruff.  Sure, this could my new sulfate free/no-nasties shampoo...but either way, it's here (not 24/7, but enough) and it's super attractive.

-acne. Everywhere.  This is my number 1 pregnancy beef. 

-hairy-ness. On my belly.  Truth be told, I had this waxed, but I know it was there and I know it's just waiting to come back.

-swollen feet.  I don't really know my shoe size anymore due to such an enhancement but I do know that according to one source, this will possibly last forever. 
- greasy face girl.  That's me!  Some mornings are a-okay and some...yeesh.  Washing my face a bajillion times a day is crucial right now.

That's it for now!  And since I hate to end on a negative, I will say that being preggo has given me a great set of nails and a cute little baby belly that my dog enjoys snuggling with. Hooray!

Xoxo,

L

21 Weeks!

 I've got a carrot in my belly!

Feeling: Really good. Less than half way to go!!!  

This week, we had a contractor come to move the nursery door and so I feel like things are moving forward.  That needed to happen before we could do anything else nursery-related so YAY! I'm happy.

After Jeff returned from Cali, we spent a couple days together and then went down the shore for Memorial Day which was awesomely relaxing.  We both took naps every single day (ridiculous), rode our bikes and walked everywhere.  Oh, and ate...a lot. 

Next weekend, we take off for DC & Colonial Williamsburg and I can't wait.  These little trips are definitely helping to push this pregnancy along. Thank God. Jeff leaves Wednesday and I leave to meet him Friday by train.  Until then, we have a contractor working on our deck and finishing the nursery door so I'm sure it won't be the best week to be home, but it's only a few days. 

Okay, I'm exhausted and pretty sure my little girl wants me to watch crappy TV that I dvr'd all weekend.  Real housewives, what what!!!

Symptoms:
-Acne.  Still using Belli facewash...hoping for the best.
-Sleep is BAD. Even with my massive snoogle pillow.
-fast and fleeting headaches. 
-craving Grapenuts. Weird, I know.
-liking ice cream (mint choc chip/peach/vanilla&orange swirl) WAY too much.

Weight: No clue. I'll update tomorrow...UPDATE - 10 pounds.

What I Miss: Nada!

Doctor Appointment: 22 week check up. 1 week to go!

Looking Forward To:  Our "nursery weekend" that we have scheduled 2 weekends from now. We're going to jump in head first, get the crib, get the paint (then paint) and get the carpet.  I'm excited to see it come together!

xoxo
L

20 Weeks...Halfway there!!!

Happiness is spending your 20th weekend in LBI...even if the pics are a little distorted and funny looking.

Feeling:  Super. Being at the halfway point feels like an awesome triumph.  My stressful job has ended and I can now feel my baby GIRL kick me.  Things are good.  

Jeff left on Friday for a wedding in California, so for my weekend sans husband, I decided to go down the shore to Long Beach Island with my family and preggie friend.  It was really just what the doctor ordered.  Lots of relaxing and LOTS of fun foods.  Fun = pancakes & jelly beans.  Even though I'm not sleeping well AT ALL, I am halfway through this pregnancy thing and feeling optimistic about EVERYTHING. The nursery, the baby, the sleepless nights to come, our mini family to be, the wedding that I'm IN 3 days before my due date, and of course the BABY!  

It's all pretty freaking exciting.

Symptoms: 
-Back Aches.
-Acne.  Staying in the same semi-bad/good place.
-Sleep is getting worse. I feel like I have a magnet on my back that is attracted to my mattress. The whole night is a duel between good and evil.
-Heartburn. Only at nighttime and it can arise out of nowhere. Cookie = heartburn. Ketchup = heartburn. Yogurt = heartburn. Bread= heartburn.  Usually it's gone before I go to bed, but it's still nasty.

Weight: 9 pounds.

What I Miss: Still missing nice skin like whoa.

Doctor Appointment: 22 week check up!

Looking Forward To:  Jeff returning from Cali and the two of us getting this nursery thing under way.

xoxo
L

19w2d Anatomy Scan

Somehow time has flown ever-so-quickly and our once soooooo faraway anatomy scan is said and done.  

We arrived to Overlook Hospital at 7:30am because a) we are eager beavers and b) Jeff had to get to work. They took us back before our appt time and got started right away.  Lucky for us, our tech is also an MD so she can talk to us throughout the whole thing and explain every measurement that's going on.  

Immediately after lathering me with jelly and seeing our little babe with a beating heart, Karen (our lady) exclaimed that the baby was in "perfect position" so there would be no ooohing and awwing or watching the baby wiggle.  She wanted to take this opportunity to get all the measurements she could before the baby starting doing flips.

I was excited, but I was also NERVOUS.  

First she looked at the four chambers of the heart before showing us the stomach.  Then the liver (or something).  Then she focused on the brain (scary) and finally the spine.  After that, she did a couple things before getting to the measurements.  We were at 19weeks/2 days and everything measured between 19 and 20ish weeks...except for the limbs which seem to be measuring a little ahead at 20 weeks and the head...which is measuring WAY ahead (21 weeks, i think)!!!!  Our little baby is already set to take after my massive dome!  Poor thing:)

Karen also revealed that we are in fact having a GIRL!!! YAYAYAYYAYAY...and it was an odd sense of excitement to hear that confirmed.  Before we were like, "We think we're having a girl" and now we can be like, "Yes, buy us pink stuff. Thanks."

All in all, the scan took 30 minutes because the baby was cooperating.  Of course I would have loved to see her a little longer, but I know that she wasn't a fan of being poked and prodded (she was kicking me like crazy) so it was good to end early.

Fun stuff:

-Toward the end of the appointment, she took the biggest yaaawn (or mouth stretch).  And it was adorable.  Here's a pic...

-She kept reaching for her toes and holding her feet.  So freakin cute.

Happy Mother's Day!

YAY!

Today, the hubs made me quite a caloric breakfast in bed and I got to feel my little baby kick (or something) for the 4th day in a row!!! YAY!

HAPPY MOTHERS DAY!

18 Weeks!

Holy shamoly. I'm 18 weeks!  And because my husband has begged me to lose the loose shirt for this week...here I am with my sidekick, SUPERBELLY!!!

Feeling:  Pretty good.  Loving that I'm this far along. 

Jeff and I stayed in NYC last Thursday night (17w 3days) and I woke up on Friday with some pretty bad cramping.  I was scared at first because it felt really low and menstrual-like and I've been so stressed at work and also physically running around  (no joke...I work between 2 places that are 2 blocks apart and I actually run back and forth...bad idea) so I freaked out immediately and had a pep talk with my baby.  I told it not to do anything irrational.  TELL ME first. Give me a chance to mend my dumb ways before doing anything that we would both regret:)  

I made sure to lie down and get ready for work really slowly.  Jeff and I then  walked to a diner (at a snails pace) and enjoyed a massive plate of pancakes and scrambled eggs until it subsided quite a bit.  At work, it persisted for only a little while before completely going away which made me feel better.  And I stopped with the running.  It's not worth it.  

However, this episode did make me worry...because that's what I do.  And Jeff and I used our new nifty little doppler (Sonoline B) on Saturday to hear the heartbeat.  It was faint and kinda hard to find, but it was there. THANK GOD.

I feel like this pregnancy is flying.  Maybe it's because I've waited so long and this is nothing compared to endless trying, testing, an IUI, 2 cycles of IVF and an FET but it feels FAST. I can't believe that we're going to find out the gender soon and then after that we have SO much fun nursery stuff we can do, as well as, oh I don't know...Summer, which in general is great and completely not boring.

Symptoms: 
-Back Aches!!! They are short lived but frequent.
-Acne.  It's getting better. Not great...but better.
-Big belleh.  My stomach seems to have groooown this week.  And I'm not mad.
-Sleep is still 'eh'.  Bought a HUGE body pillow doughnut thing that I climb and twist myself into now, though and I think it's making for a great improvement. Buy it here...Massive body pillow:)
-Heartburn. Nothing cray but it's there.

Weight: the scale says 6 pounds total this morning but i'm starving so after breakfast, my guess would be 7.

What I Miss: Nice skin!!!

Doctor Appointment: 18 weeks/1 day. Then 19w/3days for the scary anatomy scan. Eek!

Looking Forward To:  18 week appt and then the anatomy scan!


xoxo
L

13 Weeks.

P.S - I look crazy in these pictures and it's not my fault.  We were at my Grandma's house and there were no places with decent lighting to go and take glamour shots...that's why standing near some cinder blocks had to do.  Also, I am aware of how weirdly bloated my face looks.

Feeling: Good. Overall things have been really swell over here.  No stress, nothing too crazy going on. Weather's getting better. Things seem to be looking up.  I've even felt confident enough to research some baby room stuff online. AAAAH. I don't think I'll be making baby purchases for a while, but it's pretty darn fun to google all sorts of nursery crafts that I'll never be good enough to pull off. 

This Wednesday, we leave for 6 days in Arizona and while I'm worried about keeping my airplane nerves under control for the baby, I'm hoping it will just fall into place. I mean I've never NOT had major anxiety on an airplane but there's always a first time for everything. Plus, I've never been pregnant before. Maybe this will finally be the ONE thing that trumps "OHMYGOD I'M GONNA DIE"-airplane nerves?  Hope so.

Symptoms: Pants are still getting tighter. Bastard pants.
Headaches have become even more infrequent.
Hunger level is remaining high.
Skin everywhere is ATROCIOUS.  Never saw this coming.  I'm basically the 13 year old I never was.  Revenge! 
Also, I've been feeling lots of cramping, twinges, and basically just stuff going on in my belly.  Sometimes it scares me. Eep.

Weight: The scale has been kinda cray this week. First it said I was up TWO pounds from last week yesterday. Then this morning it said I was up zero pounds.  I'd say I'm between 3-5 pounds at this point.

What I Miss: seeing the baby! Other than that, I'm good:)

Doctor Appointment: 14 weeks.

Looking Forward To:  A little warm weather in Arizona.  

xoxo
L

12 Weeks! Nuchal Scan...

 12 Weeks, YAYAYAYAYAYAYAY

Feeling: Elated from our very awesome nuchal scan today.  In the entire pregnancy thus far I have not felt as nervous as I did this morning.  Yes, I've felt a lot of things, like the day I felt anxious and slightly dead-inside while going through the bleeding episode at 7 weeks, but I have never felt as if I was about to stand in front of a million of my peers and give a speech like I did today (public speaking is my number one life-nightmare).  

First, I woke up to pee at 4am.  Then, I realized I had just woken up for good. I think my brain knew I was nervous before I did because it wasn't until I was in the hospital's waiting room, waiting to go back that my stomach filled with knots and my head spun clear off my neck and into another dimension.

Lucky for us, our tech was immediately AWESOME.  The immediate part is key for me because I can't handle someone throwing gel on my belly, looking around, doing their thang without at least saying, "There it is!" or "YAY a heartbeat!" or something first.  Anyway, we lucked out and she was great.  She put me at ease, but not before getting to see the little baby thrash around to what must have been some inner belly heavy metal.  I swear he/she was headbanging.  It was crazy!  I actually felt so weirded out at seeing the sharp movements going on within me that I really forced myself to simmer down.  Once I did, the baby did too...calm as a cucumber.  A little wave here, a small kick there, but no more moshing.  Yay! I couldn't have been happier.  It was a morning full of watery tear ducts and laughing nonstop.

The heartbeat was at 176.

The NT measurement was 1.5.

The NT, Trisomy 18 & 13 results were 1:10,000.

More than any other feeling, today I felt lucky.  I know that not everyone sees what we saw and not everybody gets good news.  Luckyluckylucky.

Symptoms: Pants will not button comfortably AT ALL.
Headaches.
Extreme hunger.  And then hating food.  And then eating a ton again.  
Less tired, but exhausted after meals. 
Oh, and my skin is nasty. 

Weight: The scale tells me that I'm holding strong at 3 pounds total weight gain, but my fat face would tell you otherwise. Holy bloat.

What I Miss: Nada. Life is GREAT.

Doctor Appointment: Our next appointment is the 14 week check up.  Two weeks til I hear the little heartbeat again!

Looking Forward To:  Um, everything!  I feel like my poor jailed brain has finally been set free.  I'm allowed to be happy now!  It is my goal to now ENJOY this pregnancy.

xoxo
L

Pregnancy Brain? The first sighting...

So, I went to Whole Foods and MAY have accidentally gotten charged $81 for a box of frozen waffles.  Yes, organic food is expensive.  No, it isn't that expensive. 

Can you believe I DIDN'T EVEN THINK THERE WAS ANYTHING WRONG WITH THIS SITUATION?!  I mean, the whole thing is so ridiculous that I can barely blame the cashier. ANYONE would notice paying 81 dollars too much at the grocery store register besides maybe J.Lo and/or Simon Cowell.

Later when the problem was realized (and yes, I've since had it refunded), even my friend who checked out behind me declared that she noticed the price of my bill being insanely high.  And the lady behind her probably noticed too.  But not me!!! Pregnancy brain may very well be a real thing.

11 Weeks.

To be extra fair to myself, I had also just eaten an italian meal fit for a pregnant queen and was quite honestly about to bust out of my pants.

Belly full of baby...and gnocchi.

Feeling: Excited to be less than a week away from 12 weeks, but nervous to be weaning myself off of progesterone. I had some cramping yesterday, so I've decided that if it persists, I'll probably go back to 2 suppositories until 12 weeks instead of 1 a day.

Symptoms: Stuffy nose (is that a symptom?), a phantom headache, and some fruity cravings pretty much sum up this past week.  Oh and a MAJOR stomach ache last night. My first of the whole pregnancy. Twas crampy and annoying. Hopefully it's my last.

Weight: This past weekend, we went on a road trip from NJ to Kentucky and let me tell you...I LOVED Kentucky, but I couldn't take another day of their sodium and butter drenched food.  It was no surprise that after 5 consecutive days of cheese, salt and butter, I gained another pound.  Eek!  

I am up 3 pounds total.

What I Miss: There was a moment on our trip where I felt a pang in my party girl heart for a pretty fun looking bar in our hotel, but it soon passed.   I didn't want a drink so much as I wanted to hang out there.  But I didn't want to just get a soda and listen to drunk people either, so needless to say, I paid my respect as we walked on by and that was it.

Doctor Appointment: Our next appointment is STILL set for the 25th. It will be our 12 week nuchal at the hospital...and I cannot wait. 

Looking Forward To: The 12 week appointment!  I haven't been feeling much so of course I'd reeeeeally really love to see that we've made it to 12 weeks, especially now that I'm weaning myself off of progesterone.


xoxo
L

10 Weeks.

We are TEN weeks!  Officially entering the fetal period!  How exciting is that?!!!!!  AAAAAHHHH!

There's a baby in there!  Also, nice armpit.

Damn hanger strap. Showing in every picture. I blame the photographer. Thanks for telling me, JEFF!

Giving serious elbow.

Feeling: Worry and impatience for unnecessary ultrasounds (aka reassurance). This week, my goal is to believe in my body and this pregnancy just like they used to in the good old days before the internet filled every expectant mother with fear. 

I asked my Mom how she used to truck along productively without constant fear gripping her (and they didn't even HAVE ultrasounds back then) to which she said, "We didn't know any better then.  We just figured that when you got pregnant, you would most likely have a baby."  Interesting.  So, they didn't get pregnant and then naturally assume that every horrific thing under the sun would happen to them?  Weird!

I need to work on that:)

Symptoms: This week hasn't been bad.  A couple nauseating moments, a handful of headaches, some seriously bad moods, hunger pains after not eating for 2 hours, and a little bit of cramping and twinges. Still no boob pain or vomiting.

Weight: I am up another pound...making it (2) total so far.  It is super noticeable too, as my pants are fitting snugger than a bug in a rug and hate being buttoned.  I am turning into a leggings kinda girl.

What I Miss: Nothing!

Doctor Appointment: Our next appointment is set for the 25th. It will be our 12 week nuchal at the hospital.

Looking Forward To:  Leaving for a mini road trip with 2 of our friends this Thursday and I am so excited!  We just found out yesterday that my girlfriend is also pregnant so the two of us can make the men run around and fetch food for us the whole time! Also I'm really just looking forward to a fun week that will help the time the fly.  


xoxo
L

Eek!

I'm 10 weeks today!!!! And I am SOOOOOOO excited about that little fact. I did NOT think that I could make it to this point, let alone WAIT until this point. I am so impatient, but even more excited and thrilled that it's all really happening!

10 weeks for me feels REAL. Double digits and oh so close to that heavenly 12 week mark!  Our last scan was 9 weeks and our next one is 12 weeks.  For someone who has literally had a reassuring scan every week of this pregnancy, I can't believe I have to wait 3 weeks! And then 6 weeks after that!  A part of me is glad so that the baby isn't exposed to too many additional ultrasounds and I also think spreading them out and putting my faith in this pregnancy (without the constant reassurance) will do us all (baby and crazy brain of mine) a lot of good!

10 week update coming soon!!! YAY!

9 Weeks.

Please excuse my bathroom floor to the right. Oopsie.

Feeling: Like the inside of my head is screaming, "YAY YAY YAY I'm 9 weeks pregnant!" at all times (or until I get a headache and need to lay down). I am soooooo happy to be this far along.  Yesterday was our 9 week appointment with my regular OB (so weird to be treated normal again) and it went great. The baby's heart rate was 180 bpm. Hooray!

Symptoms: The symptoms have definitely kicked it up a notch in the past week and a half.  For instance, I hate, HATE the thought of eating meat. Blegh. I am experiencing at least one throbbing headache a day and I am still moody and tired. SOOOO tired.  Everyday around 1pm my body decides that nothing else will do other than a nice little nap. That's what it wants!  For a girl who never experienced headaches, food aversions, or a lifestyle that wasn't 100 percent hyper, these symptoms are noticeable.  

Weight: I am up (1) total pound so far.  It was 2 pounds, but then the doctor weighed me yesterday and it was only one. Strange!

What I Miss: Regular coffee, regular shampoo and conditioner (I've switched to Burt's Bees for the pregnancy) and exercise.  Since the threatened miscarriage at 7 weeks and a little bit of bleeding at the doctor's office yesterday, I have been advised to take it easy and not exercise.  I never usually exercise that much, but I walk EVERYWHERE. Like miles and miles a week.  So, I definitely miss that.

Looking Forward To: going for long walks again after 12 weeks and my 12 week appointment.

xoxo
L