8 Weeks - Heartbeat 167

The heartbeat was 167 and the Cheerio measured right to the day - 8 weeks exactly.  Hallelujah!!!  

This morning we heard the best sound in the world for the third time and I for one (Jeff, for two) couldn't be more thankful, excited, blessed, happy, and through the roof.  This past week was a scary one, but I'm willing to move past it and not hold anything against my uterus as long as it keeps its' end of the bargain and stops acting crazy with it's spontaneous bleeding ways.  Thank God that is over.

Now onto my new thing to worry about...

Being released to my regular OB.  EEK!

Today was my official LAST day with my RE and the infertility palace.  I am soon to join the ranks of normal fertile girls everywhere and sit in a waiting room with gals who got pregnant the ol' fashioned way.  I seriously cannot imagine.  A room of girls not looking completely forlorn with crossed toes and fingers?  What a strange thought.  

Leaving today was surreal.  I was handed a USB drive with pics of our little Cheerio, a goody bag (yes, really) with pregnancy magazines, while exchanging heartfelt goodbyes.  This place that I have loathed going to for the past million days is about to be in my past.  And yet, it didn't quite feel like it was the end.  I said to Jeff as we made our exit out of the parking lot, "I guess it's like graduating high school.  We won't feel a difference until we just don't go back." Weird.

So, here's my problem.  I am HAPPY to graduate.  I mean, that was the goal the whole time here...but I'm also sooooo scared.  I'm scared to stop my progesterone shots and switch to progesterone suppositories and then I'm scared to stop those at 10 weeks.  I'm scared that nobody will be monitoring my blood and I'm scared that the baby's placenta won't take over.  Why didn't anyone tell me that graduating from my RE and going to a regular OB (which should make me feel like a regular person...a good thing) would be so scary! Aaaaah!

xoxo
L

6 WEEKS.

Feeling: Today, I am 6 weeks and 1 day pregnant.  For someone so used to being no weeks and no days pregnant, this feels like a major accomplishment already.  Positive beta's - Check. Sack seen on 5 week U/S - Check.  But, that is where my confidence ends.   I am experiencing so few symptoms that I'm through the roof nervous.  Tomorrow I will go in for my 6 week ultrasound and while I couldn't be more thrilled to do so, I'm scared.  Everywhere you look there is someone's sad story of miscarrying.  And they are ALL terrifying in their own right.  I can't help but know that it could happen to us because it could happen to anyone.  I hate it.

Symptoms: Thus far, my main symptoms would have to be: MOODINESS and FATIGUE.  I am a tired, cranky girl.  Every time I tell myself to "cheer up, girlfriend...this is what you've been waiting for!" I feel an overwhelming desire to take a nap and wake up when it's time for my next doctor appointment.  I don't want to wish this first trimester away, but I am definitely, kinda sorta hoping it goes quickly.

Also, what's up with no nausea?  I just read online today that nausea is a good sign and it means that your body is doing what it is supposed to in order to maintain the pregnancy.  Hmm.  

One thing I keep reminding myself is that my Mom does not recall having any pregnancy symptoms with my sister or myself (she also didn't even know she was pregnant for 2 months back then). And my sister also had almost no symptoms while pregnant with my little nephew.  She threw up once and generally just felt exhausted, but that was it.  Hearing that stuff helps.

EDITED TO ADD - Holy HEARTBURN!!! I have some serious molten lava in my throat I type this. Thought I should update for accuracy.

Weight: I'm bloated in my midsection a bit but have been eating more, so it may just be that.  I haven't gained additional pounds yet but will keep updating every week to keep track.

What I Miss: Regular coffee! 

Looking Forward To: Despite what I'm writing, I'm feeling hopeful and happy and I just need to keep telling myself: I AM PREGNANT. I am looking forward to our 6 week ultrasound and I hope that we can see the heartbeat!

xoxo
L

Meet our little Cheerio! 5 Weeks!

Our (first!) 5 week ultrasound was today and it looks like we're having ONE little Cheerio!!!

This visit was just to ensure:

a) Both a gestational sac and yolk sac were visible
b) that the yolk sac had a nugget floating within it and was not empty
and
c)  that our little cheerio had implanted in a desirable area (no tubal pregnancy, molar pregnancy, etc) and it had.  I feel bad for ever doubting the little guy!

Also, my Beta number at 18 DP5DT (23 days past ovulation) is 8792, Progesterone above 60!!!

Thyroid Shmyroid.

During my first IVF cycle back in September, I was put on some thyroid medication.  I didn't like it and subsequently hated taking it.  We cut my dosage in half, and then when my cycle was cancelled, I stopped it all together.  

So imagine my surprise receiving a call yesterday to say that my thyroid levels are above "normal" and that I should "up my dosage." Um. What dosage?  My dosage of nothing?

First...I panicked.  How could they have never told me to go back on the stuff?  How was this in their records?  Were they going to yell at me? I hate getting yelled at!!  From that mental space, I called my nurse back and confessed that I hadn't been on the stuff for MONTHS. Like, my entire last IVF and FET cycle...nada.  

My nurse, while surprised, did a great job of calming my crazy and explained that maybe if my level was an '8' that they would worry a little.  My level was still above normal at a 4.7 (making me hyPOthyroid) with the desired level being a 2.5.  She also explained that it shouldn't take too long for me to achieve that. Well, phew.  Another crisis averted if you ask me!!!

In the land of fertility fretting, there is never a dull day!

High Second Beta and low Progesterone.

While I was at work last night, I got the call saying that my second beta was at 1200.  Hearing that, I was reeeeeeally excited.  But then the nurse said that my progesterone was "lower than we would like it" and that I should up my PIO dosage to 1.5 everyday.  I can't remember the number she assigned to my progesterone level (a blessing in disguise?) so I can't google the crap out of it, but I am not excited at hearing that news. Ugh, I just want everything to work out!

Update: Called and found out my Progesterone was at 13.  Isn't that really low? The nurse said that anything above a 10 can sustain a pregnancy, but 13 just seems really close to 10. Hoping the extra dosage helps things along. Eek!!

FET: 2 Week Wait "Symptoms"

Here are my symptoms as they stand now:

Day of transfer - weird buzzy, anxious feeling all day. Stomach aches. (maybe from PIO and Prog supp? Too much progesterone? Or maybe just nerves from having so many people up in my junk earlier in the day.)
1DP5DT - nothing
2DP5DT - nothing
3DP5DT - Acupuncture. Period-like cramp lasts for a few minutes while walking down my street.
4DP5DT - nothing
5DP5DT - have a pregnancy dream.  This is not a real sign for me, though because it's happened before.
6DP5DT - awful period cramps. Last for a looooong time. Pretty sure it's period time.
7DP5DT - wake up feeling nothing AGAIN. No boob stuff, no cramps. Never got the implantation bleeding or whatever. Decide to test.  POSITIVE on internet cheapie test.  Take a digital: Pregnant.  Decide to wait for the beta before jumping for joy.  I've waited way too long for this to get my hopes up prematurely.
8DP5DT - nothing.
9DP5DT - bloodwork and pregnancy test. BETA is 543! Cramping/twinges in my chest and lower back. A weird prickle-y sensation. While commuting into the city, I also felt winded very easily.
10DP5DT - Just walked a mile and felt out of breath way too easily.  However, on a normal day, I would just chalk this up to not exercising enough.

SOOOO...as frustrating as it is, if my pregnancy test did not say "positive", I would honestly not think this was the month. Being pregnant does not feel all that different...at least not yet!

!!!!!!! Beta 543!!!!!!!!

Holy crap!!!! We are PREGNANT!!!!!  

And my Beta is 543! 

The nurse said that could mean multiples. Who knows?!?!?! Omigod, I've never been so excited! AAAAAHHH

I go in on Wednesday (2 days from now) for Beta number 2...from there I will be going in 7 days after that for our first ultrasound!

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo
L 

 

6dp5dt - No symptoms!

It's times like this that I really wouldn't mind vomiting all over my work keyboard.  Just anything to let me know something!

Progesterone Levels & Bedrest

Every time I'm expecting a call from the infertility Gods (my nurse), I feel like a needy high school girl waiting for her crush to call. I carry my phone around everywhere, waiting, waiting, waiting.  Of course I don't think "Will they call?!" because hello, I'm paying them and they better but I'm still scared to take a shower or get the mail.  What if I miss the call?!  

I could just call back, I know.  But the return call could TAKE HOURS and that, my friends, would be a travesty.  Especially when it's the one thing to look forward to all day.

Clearly, bed-rest has done me no service.  I'm losing my mind over here.  The biggest thing to happen to me today was going to the doctor and then receiving a call from them hours later. It isn't pretty.  But, you know what is? My estrogen and progesterone levels. Thank heavens!

They'd like my estrogen above 100, I'm at 145.
They'd like my progesterone above 10, I'm at 27. 

Now, since I'm banning myself from infertility-googling (a horribe sickness that I contracted the moment I received my infertility membership badge) this week, I have no idea if these levels are ACTUALLY good.  I have to just TRUST my nurse...instead of the 9 bazillion people out in cyberspace who clearly know more than all of us.

7.5 days to go! 

P.S. Am I allowed to shower yet?

Transfer Day: The Haps...

I started off the morning with my 2mg of Estrace, a shot of PIO and of course a progesterone suppository.  Of course.  I'd only received THREE of them up until now. Each time a transfer was cancelled, another suppository thrown into the stockpile. 

Then, my phone rang and a nurse told me to arrive at the clinic at noon.  NOON! I was soooo excited that I wouldn't have to wait.  While on the phone with my nurse friend, I asked some simple questions (how long does it take: 15 minutes) (what's the deal with the water: she said to have a glass of water when I arrive...no big deal) and I also confirmed that I would like laser acupuncture before and after but would like to cancel being a part of the HCG wash clinical study.  Basically, I did not feel that I'd researched it enough to properly make an educated decision and seeing that this was my first transfer, I didn't want any regrets.  

We rolled up around 11:40am to an extremely empty building. It was awesome.  I was the first person to sign in and if I hadn't waited to hold the door open for the lady after me, I would have been the first transfer performed.  Damn manners.  

Here's my timeline from this point forward:

11:50am

Change into the usual hair-net, backless body sack dress and booties
Drink big cup of water
Sit on table
WAIT

12:15pm

Sign some papers
WAIT
Get a little anxious
Get more anxious

12:40pm

Nurse checks my belly. I am at the proper fullness.
Anxiety.
Start to have to pee. A LOT.

12:55pm

Laser Acupuncture begins and ends. Very simple. Very quick. Very diff from needle acu.
Pee becomes unbearable.
Nurse gives me a cup with a line that I can't pee above.
Off to the bathroom I go.  Feel better instantly.

1:25pm

TRANSFER BEGINS. 
Doctor shows me the embryos. A 6BB and a 5BC.  Learn that one of our 5BC's did not make it.  In the doctor's words, "it was the kind of embryo that could make a miscarriage, but not a baby."
I feel slightly bummed having heard the news, but don't let on.
Team adjoins, introductions ensue, embies are wheeled in, hubs is moved to the side and my legs fly sky high. Showtime.
One woman presses hard on my already temperamental bladder with an ultrasound wand. 
I worry about peeing on everyone.
The catheter hits a 90 degree angle. This causes a delay and additional abdominal pressure.
I really worry about peeing on them all.
Magically, I don't.

1:45pm 

Our embryos have officially been placed! (coolest, craziest, best feeling ever)
My one night stand team wheels out, Acupuncturist wheels back in.
Relaxation time.

2:15pm 
We are alerted that it is time to go. Bedrest time! (my goal is to do 24 hours hardcore/48 hours semi-hardcore & back to work on Tuesday)

Honestly, I think the whole day went well...considering.  Considering I've never done this before, had no idea what to expect and am AWFUL with surprises.  Considering that I had anxiety while I waited for my turn before and after.  Considering that when I got home, I had to POOP (I mean, wtf?!) and I feared pooping out my embryos.  Considering my stomach felt rattled for hours after. 

Luckily, I'm feeling way less anxious today and bed rest is getting easier for my antsy self.  Jeff brought me an amazingly thoughtful breakfast in bed with DECAF coffee (and did I mention he also ran out for my favorite Italian food last night?).  I'm spending my morning feeling truly relaxed while also trying anything I can think of to stay entertained...which at the moment includes reading Gone Girl, a supremely effed up book.  I recommend it.

Bloodwork appointment tomorrow! 1/21

xoxo
L

5BC to the left (I think he's hatching) and 6BB on the right. What a beaut.

Transfer Day...Awww snap!!!!

IT'S OUR FIRST TRANSFER DAY EVER!!!!!

After TWO cycles of IVF, endless shots and a whole bunch of craziness, IT'S HAPPENING!!!!  FINALLY!!!! (it's times like this when I think there aren't enough exclamation points in the world...)

FET - Day 1 & Schedule.

Today is the first day of my FET cycle. So far, I've had blood-work and ultrasound, where everything looked good (even if they did mention a small cyst on my left side).  Tonight I will start taking Estrace (2mg/twice a day) which will continue for 4 days.  Then, it's back to my infertility kingdom where I shall resume with another bw/us.  

FET schedule so far: 

2 weeks of BC
1/3 - last day of BC
1/7 - bw/us & begin Estrace (2mg/twice a day)
1/11 - bw/us: see a small bit of fluid...blah. Meds stay the same until next visit.
1/14 - bw/us: fluid has moved on to greener pastures. We seem 'good' for now.
Transfer is scheduled for 1/19.  Continue (4) Estrace. Begin taking (1) Medrol, (1) Azythromycin, and a (1cc) nightly hiney injection of Progesterone.
1/18 - ALL CLEAR for transfer!!
1/19 - transfer day
1/19 - 1/21 Bed rest!
1/28 - 9DP5DT Pregnancy Test - PREGNANT!!! Beta level is 543
1/30 - Follow up Beta - 1217
2/6 - First ultrasound - ONE bean!

New Year, New Ideas

During this TTC journey, I have been adamant about living my life as normally as possible.  It has been a long road and I never wanted to change my life so drastically that I would look back and regret not hanging out with friends and family, canceling fun weekend trips or long vacations because of anything fertility related. I did not want infertility (while a MASSIVE part of my life) to run the show. Ultimately, I've had a good couple years.  

I've done things that have not only been fun but life changing.  Packing up an RV with two of our closest friends and driving across the country on an 18 day adventure of a lifetime WAS scary at first.  A part of me wanted to stay home, refrain from late nights, mark my days of ovulation and definitely stay away from the alcohol and bad foods. Thank goodness the other part of me was far more convincing.  The trip changed me...for the better.  And it also put 2012 on the map. In a good way. 

Here's the VIDEO.

So, now it's 2013.  What lies ahead? I don't know.  But I do know that I'm willing to make a big change in order to achieve our goal.  I've been wondering if hitting the occasional happy hour, dinner out, dinner in, party, and weekend trip filled with what most fertility sites would call too much wine could be hurting my chances.  I would never drink during my tww or even throughout most of my IVF cycles, but during those other two weeks or when a cycle has been canceled...forget it.  I let loose.

That's why, for the first time ever, I'm going to give up booze completely.  Usually my mind is constantly doing something I call Fertility Math to figure days that I can do things, can't do things, days that will affect my eggs for an IVF cycle, etc.  And yes, I am thinking well...it's January.  These eggs would be used in March (if the 3 month rule holds out).  Do I need good eggs in March? What if my FET works this month or next month? Then, it will all be for naught.  Oh well.  That's the chance I'm willing to take in 2013.  This year from January 1st through May 1st I will do my FIRST EVER full booze cleanse.  No cocktails...at all.  I will also work on achieving better and more sleep.  And sticking with acupuncture.

I know it's only my 4th day in, but I am already SOOO excited.

HERE'S TO AN AMAZING YEAR!
xoxo
L

Eggie energy

So, as I'm gearing up for my FET this month, I've been dissecting the past two IVF cycles...and even a little before that. 

In July of 2012 when I was gearing up for my August IUI, we found out that the hubs may have a MFI problemo.  A problem of the morphology kind.  So starting in early August, he began to take Fertility Blend for Men.  IUI failed, so in September we moved on...but he continued with his pills.

 The first IVF 'antagonist' cycle resulted in: 19 eggs retrieved, 14 mature, 7 fertilized, ending in no transfer but a frozen:

(1) day 6 - 6BB blast.

--Due to the lack of fertilization, the hubs ups his dosage, sticks with his handful of walnuts a day (chinese medicine) and gives up caffeine.  Also, we hope that since FB has been in his system for a few months things will improve. They do.

My second long lupron cycle resulted in: 31 eggs retrieved, 22 mature, 20 fertillized, 6 day 5 blasts.  One 6CD and one 6DD blast are discarded leaving us with no transfer once again, but 4 frozens:

(2) 5BC
(1) 6CC
(1) 6CB blasts.

In total, I have 5 blasts 'on ice'.  Of course, superficially this sounds fantastic.  But by digging deeper, I feel that my egg quality is lacking. Why can't my embryos make it to blast on day 5?  Why do they always need an extra day?  My FSH level is high for my age at a 9...but then again my doctor says that this number changes constantly and not to get too caught up in it. 

What I can get caught up in though is the grades of my blasts and the fact that so many seem to be lacking energy.  Some clinics throw away a 6CC.  After researching it, I've decided that I need a plan should all of these blasts/FET's fail due to egg quality.  I bought some CoQ10 and have decided this. I will do an FET in January and February. Should they fail or become cancelled, I will give up all things (wine!!) unhealthy/acidic for March, April, and May.  Also, I will take the CoQ10 and continue going to acupuncture.  Hopefully this will make for a super healthy batch of eggs in late May/early June.  I just wish my doctor had told me about CoQ10 sooner.  I mean, it's been FOREVER that I could have been doing it for.  I hate all this trial and error!  Ugh.

So there you have it. Another day, another plan.  I am SOOO looking forward to 2013...

The Infertillity Rollercoaster.

I love roller-coasters.  But, when you didn't agree to get on one in the first place and you don't see any sign of it stopping to let you off soon, it makes you want to scream.  And not the, "Weeee" kind of scream...the "HELP! I've been kidnapped by a runaway train!" kind.

The ride isn't smooth and every high is sure to be met with a low.  Every climb, met with a dip.  Even when you know a gut-wrenching fall is approaching and you brace yourself, it is never enough. Hopes that are high every time you pass the gate from where you boarded are dashed when the brakes don't kick in. Again.  When you hear you have retrieved 31 eggs, 20 of which have fertilized, you will just as soon hear that only 4 have made it and your transfer has been canceled.  Then you will also hear that their grades aren't too great either. 

Clearly I have a lot of time to think about this stuff.  What people don't realize with infertility is that every single month there is hope.  Even if you "don't even care anymore" there is still a chance, a sliver of light moments before you know it didn't work out AGAIN.  So if I don't see you for a month or two and then I'm sipping wine when I finally do...understand that I may look how I always have, but I've changed.  In the interim of us seeing eachother, I could have become 2 months pregnant.  But I didn't.   Infertility is an every day thing.

I remember being in 9th grade and having the craziest crush of my life and thinking that I couldn't IMAGINE thinking of something more than I was thinking of this boy.  Then, I went to college and belonged to 1 half of the most dramatic relationship in the world.  Once again, I remember my thoughts being consumed 100 percent by this person and what was going on between the two of us.  Diary entries were redundant and it was clear that I was obsessed with my little world. But my brain was immature and as quickly as it came, it always left.  There was always something shiny around the corner back then. And I guess that is what I'm hoping for here.  Something shiny to distract me.  However, unlike past tense me, not just anything will do.  I want to start a family. 

And because of that, I will stay on this rollercoaster every single day.  Even if it makes me want to puke.  Even if I have to watch everyone else hop on and off with ease.  Even if the tracks become rickety and I think I may die. I'll stay on as long as I can.

xoxo
L

Four.

Four blastocysts made it to freeze. My two 'almost blasts' and two of the morulas will join my previously created frozen embryo from last cycle.

And even though ALL I've wanted is to partake in a transfer, I'm okay. Yes, it is depressing for another holiday season to pass us by baby-free but what can we do? It wasn't meant to be (I don't really believe that, but I'm trying to be cordial with myself). And four frozens is more than I could have hoped for.

FET scheduled for February unless an opening becomes available before then.

Fingers crossed...