Scared.

I think I may be traumatized. I keep envisioning the gush of blood I felt two days ago happening again.  Knowing it can come without warning and without any sign. I think about it in my sleep. I try to envision us HAVING this baby, but I'm so scared.  It's scary to know that in an instant my happiness can be shattered. I'm so invested. So in love.  I keep repeating, "20 more weeks, 20 more weeks" because I would like to go that much further without any worry or bed rest. At least.

I always thought that getting pregnant would be the hard part. I figured that my pregnancy would be FUN, a piece of cake...so to speak. I don't care if I get morning sickness and I don't care if I gain weight. I don't care if I look like crap for the entire 10 months because after 2 IVF's and an FET making me look that way, I kind of expected it. My expectations were never that of Gisele Bunchen or Kim Kardashian.  I didn't think I'd be at the gym every morning, noon and night, flaunting my petite baby bump around town. No way. This journey has been an ordeal thus far and I figured it would continue.  But not like this.  I never thought it would be this scary. 

Every cramp, every feeling. I worry. I worry that a cramp will come and suddenly not stop until I'm doubled over in pain. I haven't had that but I'm losing it. I really need to stay planted in reality before going over the edge. I believe that your mind can do crazy things and I don't want to be the reason anything more happens. 

I spoke with my nurse yesterday who said that next month with be her 20th year doing what she does.  She said, "In the hundreds and hundreds of girls that I've dealt with who go through what you went through, I can count on ONE hand the girls who actually lost the baby."

A good 'odds' story never hurt and ultimately, it does/did make me feel better. I'm just scared. Hoping for the best, but scared.
xoxo
L