So, as I'm gearing up for my FET this month, I've been dissecting the past two IVF cycles...and even a little before that.
In July of 2012 when I was gearing up for my August IUI, we found out that the hubs may have a MFI problemo. A problem of the morphology kind. So starting in early August, he began to take Fertility Blend for Men. IUI failed, so in September we moved on...but he continued with his pills.
The first IVF 'antagonist' cycle resulted in: 19 eggs retrieved, 14 mature, 7 fertilized, ending in no transfer but a frozen:
(1) day 6 - 6BB blast.
--Due to the lack of fertilization, the hubs ups his dosage, sticks with his handful of walnuts a day (chinese medicine) and gives up caffeine. Also, we hope that since FB has been in his system for a few months things will improve. They do.
My second long lupron cycle resulted in: 31 eggs retrieved, 22 mature, 20 fertillized, 6 day 5 blasts. One 6CD and one 6DD blast are discarded leaving us with no transfer once again, but 4 frozens:
(2) 5BC
(1) 6CC
(1) 6CB blasts.
In total, I have 5 blasts 'on ice'. Of course, superficially this sounds fantastic. But by digging deeper, I feel that my egg quality is lacking. Why can't my embryos make it to blast on day 5? Why do they always need an extra day? My FSH level is high for my age at a 9...but then again my doctor says that this number changes constantly and not to get too caught up in it.
What I can get caught up in though is the grades of my blasts and the fact that so many seem to be lacking energy. Some clinics throw away a 6CC. After researching it, I've decided that I need a plan should all of these blasts/FET's fail due to egg quality. I bought some CoQ10 and have decided this. I will do an FET in January and February. Should they fail or become cancelled, I will give up all things (wine!!) unhealthy/acidic for March, April, and May. Also, I will take the CoQ10 and continue going to acupuncture. Hopefully this will make for a super healthy batch of eggs in late May/early June. I just wish my doctor had told me about CoQ10 sooner. I mean, it's been FOREVER that I could have been doing it for. I hate all this trial and error! Ugh.
So there you have it. Another day, another plan. I am SOOO looking forward to 2013...
Saturday, December 29, 2012
Sunday, December 23, 2012
A holiday party...after an egg retrieval?!
So, I wasn't going to write about this because it is quite possibly insane but here goes. Every year, Jeff and I throw a holiday party on the Saturday before Christmas. We LOVE it. To us, it is the best part of our holiday season. However, this year was looking like it would be a bit different. When we thought about doing IVF for a second time, my sights were set on November. Hilariously, I thought I would be pregnant for Christmas. HAHAHA. Sorry, that made me laugh.
So, the plan was IVF in November, party in December. But then I got cysts and my Day 1 was delayed. Then, they decided to put me on a long lupron cycle rather than the antagonist one. Soon, the days of December were quickly approaching and I realized that our party was set on a day that would surely be on my transfer day or a day or two after. I would be on bed rest. OH NOOOO.
The hubs and I put our two terribly dumb heads together and decided to move the party up a week. Then, the party would fall around the time of the retrieval, which would be much more ideal. RSVP's were coming our way as we decorated the house in jolly holiday decor. Then, it was time to trigger and upon hearing the words, the hubs and I looked at eachother, thinking the same exact thing...
The retrieval and holiday party would be the same day.
At first, we panicked. But last time my retrieval was at 9am and I felt fine the rest of the day so I decided to keep the party going. It wasn't until the nurse called me and scheduled me for a 2PM retrieval time that I straight up lost my shiz (but still didn't cancel the party).
In the end, I was zonky and tired. Bloated and unable to suck in my belly. Out of it and a bit off. BUT I did it! Even if it was an insane idea in the first place.
It all worked out. Somehow. I survived a night of hosting my best friends and family with little other than the energy from my multiple Gatorades that I had stashed in almost every room of the house. And it's a good thing that we had it because my transfer was the next weekend and now we're pregnant. HAHAHA. Sorry again. OF COURSE, my transfer was subsequently canceled so it would have been MUCH better to keep the original date, but we had no way of knowing that.
Our tradition lives on and this year will be one I never ever ever ever forget. Because I was crazy for having it in the first place.
We went from this...
To this...
Merry Christmas, all! And may the new year be filled with lots of health, happiness and babies!
xoxo
L
So, the plan was IVF in November, party in December. But then I got cysts and my Day 1 was delayed. Then, they decided to put me on a long lupron cycle rather than the antagonist one. Soon, the days of December were quickly approaching and I realized that our party was set on a day that would surely be on my transfer day or a day or two after. I would be on bed rest. OH NOOOO.
The hubs and I put our two terribly dumb heads together and decided to move the party up a week. Then, the party would fall around the time of the retrieval, which would be much more ideal. RSVP's were coming our way as we decorated the house in jolly holiday decor. Then, it was time to trigger and upon hearing the words, the hubs and I looked at eachother, thinking the same exact thing...
The retrieval and holiday party would be the same day.
At first, we panicked. But last time my retrieval was at 9am and I felt fine the rest of the day so I decided to keep the party going. It wasn't until the nurse called me and scheduled me for a 2PM retrieval time that I straight up lost my shiz (but still didn't cancel the party).
In the end, I was zonky and tired. Bloated and unable to suck in my belly. Out of it and a bit off. BUT I did it! Even if it was an insane idea in the first place.
It all worked out. Somehow. I survived a night of hosting my best friends and family with little other than the energy from my multiple Gatorades that I had stashed in almost every room of the house. And it's a good thing that we had it because my transfer was the next weekend and now we're pregnant. HAHAHA. Sorry again. OF COURSE, my transfer was subsequently canceled so it would have been MUCH better to keep the original date, but we had no way of knowing that.
Our tradition lives on and this year will be one I never ever ever ever forget. Because I was crazy for having it in the first place.
We went from this...
To this...
 |
| My sister and I. Tube dresses are your friend after an egg retrieval. |
 |
| Jeff with our bro in law and neph |
 |
| How cute is this guy? I love my nephew! |
 | ||||||
| Jeff putting on our dogs Santa outfit. Someone had to. |
xoxo
L
Thursday, December 20, 2012
The Infertillity Rollercoaster.
I love roller-coasters. But, when you didn't agree to get on one in the first place and you don't see any sign of it stopping to let you off soon, it makes you want to scream. And not the, "Weeee" kind of scream...the "HELP! I've been kidnapped by a runaway train!" kind.
The ride isn't smooth and every high is sure to be met with a low. Every climb, met with a dip. Even when you know a gut-wrenching fall is approaching and you brace yourself, it is never enough. Hopes that are high every time you pass the gate from where you boarded are dashed when the brakes don't kick in. Again. When you hear you have retrieved 31 eggs, 20 of which have fertilized, you will just as soon hear that only 4 have made it and your transfer has been canceled. Then you will also hear that their grades aren't too great either.
Clearly I have a lot of time to think about this stuff. What people don't realize with infertility is that every single month there is hope. Even if you "don't even care anymore" there is still a chance, a sliver of light moments before you know it didn't work out AGAIN. So if I don't see you for a month or two and then I'm sipping wine when I finally do...understand that I may look how I always have, but I've changed. In the interim of us seeing eachother, I could have become 2 months pregnant. But I didn't. Infertility is an every day thing.
I remember being in 9th grade and having the craziest crush of my life and thinking that I couldn't IMAGINE thinking of something more than I was thinking of this boy. Then, I went to college and belonged to 1 half of the most dramatic relationship in the world. Once again, I remember my thoughts being consumed 100 percent by this person and what was going on between the two of us. Diary entries were redundant and it was clear that I was obsessed with my little world. But my brain was immature and as quickly as it came, it always left. There was always something shiny around the corner back then. And I guess that is what I'm hoping for here. Something shiny to distract me. However, unlike past tense me, not just anything will do. I want to start a family.
And because of that, I will stay on this rollercoaster every single day. Even if it makes me want to puke. Even if I have to watch everyone else hop on and off with ease. Even if the tracks become rickety and I think I may die. I'll stay on as long as I can.
xoxo
L
The ride isn't smooth and every high is sure to be met with a low. Every climb, met with a dip. Even when you know a gut-wrenching fall is approaching and you brace yourself, it is never enough. Hopes that are high every time you pass the gate from where you boarded are dashed when the brakes don't kick in. Again. When you hear you have retrieved 31 eggs, 20 of which have fertilized, you will just as soon hear that only 4 have made it and your transfer has been canceled. Then you will also hear that their grades aren't too great either.
Clearly I have a lot of time to think about this stuff. What people don't realize with infertility is that every single month there is hope. Even if you "don't even care anymore" there is still a chance, a sliver of light moments before you know it didn't work out AGAIN. So if I don't see you for a month or two and then I'm sipping wine when I finally do...understand that I may look how I always have, but I've changed. In the interim of us seeing eachother, I could have become 2 months pregnant. But I didn't. Infertility is an every day thing.
I remember being in 9th grade and having the craziest crush of my life and thinking that I couldn't IMAGINE thinking of something more than I was thinking of this boy. Then, I went to college and belonged to 1 half of the most dramatic relationship in the world. Once again, I remember my thoughts being consumed 100 percent by this person and what was going on between the two of us. Diary entries were redundant and it was clear that I was obsessed with my little world. But my brain was immature and as quickly as it came, it always left. There was always something shiny around the corner back then. And I guess that is what I'm hoping for here. Something shiny to distract me. However, unlike past tense me, not just anything will do. I want to start a family.
And because of that, I will stay on this rollercoaster every single day. Even if it makes me want to puke. Even if I have to watch everyone else hop on and off with ease. Even if the tracks become rickety and I think I may die. I'll stay on as long as I can.
xoxo
L
Monday, December 17, 2012
Constant state of wonder.
it's wandering.
I add up days, weeks, months, years. I trail off, thinking about my past, my present, my future. I measure my life. I feel good about it. Then, measure again.
I wonder if anyone else wonders like I do. Aimlessly. I wonder if I would survive in a world without modern medicine...it doesn't seem like it. Well, even if I could, I wouldn't be able to expand my brood easily. But then again, without medicine who would survive? I wonder if not being super fertile makes me feel less than? Is this my fault? I wonder if humans have been existing for so long that our genes are all junk and I'm part of the solution to extinct us all? Or am I part of the example...to show how intellectually smart we are? We can achieve anything we want...through a lab. We don't need anything but brains.
I wonder constantly if my embryos will thaw, if they'll produce a positive pregnancy test, if I'll do 2 FET's, only to then do another 3 rounds of IVF. Will I have to do this again? How many times? How many shots? How many nights wondering, hoping, praying for the SAME thing? When will I get to hope for something different?
When will this change?
I wonder. And I do it constantly.
Saturday, December 15, 2012
Four.
Four blastocysts made it to freeze. My two 'almost blasts' and two of the morulas will join my previously created frozen embryo from last cycle.
And even though ALL I've wanted is to partake in a transfer, I'm okay. Yes, it is depressing for another holiday season to pass us by baby-free but what can we do? It wasn't meant to be (I don't really believe that, but I'm trying to be cordial with myself). And four frozens is more than I could have hoped for.
FET scheduled for February unless an opening becomes available before then.
Fingers crossed...
And even though ALL I've wanted is to partake in a transfer, I'm okay. Yes, it is depressing for another holiday season to pass us by baby-free but what can we do? It wasn't meant to be (I don't really believe that, but I'm trying to be cordial with myself). And four frozens is more than I could have hoped for.
FET scheduled for February unless an opening becomes available before then.
Fingers crossed...
Thursday, December 13, 2012
IVF #2 - Cancelled AGAIN.
2 almost blasts, 3 morulas, 8 "disorganized" morulas, and 7 arrested embryos = my previously exciting 20 fertilized embryos.
So many thoughts are whizzing through my mind. I am happy that all 20 mature eggs fertilized. That in itself takes care of the MFI issue from the previous cycle.
I don't understand however, why so many of our embryos' became "disorganized." To me, this sounds like a reason why we shouldn't even try naturally. Are we incompatible? Do we have a 50% chance of that happening since it happened to almost half of our stock? Why so wacky, sperm/egg-combo?
Why have I never had a perfectly ready 5 day blastocyst ready to transfer? Why are they growing slowly? I've done an antagonist cycle and a long lupron cycle. One yielded 1 almost blast out of 7 fertilized embryos and the other, 2 out of 20. Why is it so hard to get to blast? Why so slow?
Why doesn't my clinic do a day 6 transfer and or why wouldn't they transfer 2 of the morulas? If they are going to cancel it anyway, can't we at least throw something in there while my lining is "perfect"? Can't we do SOMETHING? What if they like my uterus better than your stinky lab? Come on!
It doesn't help that they have SUCH strict criteria (no fresh day 3 transfers, morula transfers, almost blastocyst transfers) paired with an insanely packed schedule. I can't schedule an FET until February now.
Merry Christmas. This sucks.
L
So many thoughts are whizzing through my mind. I am happy that all 20 mature eggs fertilized. That in itself takes care of the MFI issue from the previous cycle.
I don't understand however, why so many of our embryos' became "disorganized." To me, this sounds like a reason why we shouldn't even try naturally. Are we incompatible? Do we have a 50% chance of that happening since it happened to almost half of our stock? Why so wacky, sperm/egg-combo?
Why have I never had a perfectly ready 5 day blastocyst ready to transfer? Why are they growing slowly? I've done an antagonist cycle and a long lupron cycle. One yielded 1 almost blast out of 7 fertilized embryos and the other, 2 out of 20. Why is it so hard to get to blast? Why so slow?
Why doesn't my clinic do a day 6 transfer and or why wouldn't they transfer 2 of the morulas? If they are going to cancel it anyway, can't we at least throw something in there while my lining is "perfect"? Can't we do SOMETHING? What if they like my uterus better than your stinky lab? Come on!
It doesn't help that they have SUCH strict criteria (no fresh day 3 transfers, morula transfers, almost blastocyst transfers) paired with an insanely packed schedule. I can't schedule an FET until February now.
Merry Christmas. This sucks.
L
Tuesday, December 11, 2012
HCG Infusion?
At my retrieval appointment, Jeff and I were handed a brochure explaining an HCG Infusion to be done at the time of embryo transfer. It's done on a trial basis, so even if we sign up, our chances of being picked for it are 50/50.
As of this second, I think we're going to do it (if they want us). It scares me because it's yet another scientific thing thrown into the babymaking scene. I know that things can go wrong naturally too, but I think it's harder when the decision is mine to make. On the one hand, this flushing of the uterus with HCG is supposed to help implantation by FIFTEEN PERCENT, which is a ton. But on the other hand, I don't understand more than what I can google and what they tell me and I won't ever really know if there are long term effects. Is this safe? I hope so. There is so much trust that goes into this process.
UPDATED 1/22/13 - So, my transfer did get pushed back to an FET and I did not choose to do the HCG infusion at the time of embryo transfer. The nurses staff was visibly sad, but it's not their uterus and I just didn't feel there was enough information on this process. In a year, when the trial is done and they have the definitive answer they are looking for...I might be all for it! But not until then:)
Since the retrieval, I've had a lot of time to think. I'm very anxious. Very nervous. Very excited. I'm also very sad about certain things encountered along this journey of mine. I mean, it's inevitable in this situation that I will be around some depressing things. I sit in an infertility office almost every day, surrounded by girls like myself or worse off than myself.
On Saturday, I literally sat in between the two most opposite egg retrieval situations. Through the curtain to my left sat a girl, sick, nauseous, bloated, out of it, going through bed pan after bed pan because she couldn't stand. She was cooked, done. And for good reason. Her retrieval had produced a whopping 69 eggs before I'd even gotten there. SIXTY NINE! I don't think it's normal for nurses to whoop and holler, but they definitely were. Yes, this girl will have OHSS for sure, but she also has a crap load of eggs. I know some people think that the number of eggs don't matter because it's the quality that counts, but I don't know. She seemed pretty happy. Even if 60 out of 69 of them are immature, or didn't fertilize, there is still good amount left and that is INSANE.
However, to my right sat another girl and her husband. Of course I couldn't see either of these couples, but the curtains between us were thin and for good portions of our wait, Jeff and I were silent (much unlike the last time when thumb wrestling was our main thrill). The girl to my right was scheduled to go right before me. She was nervous, but in good spirits. When she spoke, she sounded very matter-of-fact but also excited. She and her husband laughed a good amount until the nurse approached them with the normal questions. I heard her say that she had already experienced a pregnancy for 2 full months. I heard her tell the nurse she was hoping for 7 eggs.
They walked her in.
In no time at (it felt like less than 10 minutes), she was wheeled back to where we were. Groggy and medicated. The nurse disclosed her number of eggs privately and I couldn't hear what she said, but I could hear the girl. She was crying. Through the tears we heard that her retrieval had produced 5 eggs and she was devastated. I heard her husband console her, saying "You knew it wouldn't be a lot." But that's the thing. Even when you KNOW you shouldn't get your hopes up, you do.
Before they even took me back to get on the backwards massage table from hell, the girl to my right had already changed, packed up and left. She was done and it took so much for me not to cry for her. Even if I never saw what she looked like, I felt for her. We were the same.
I'm home for this week, relaxing, getting stabbed with progesterone and keeping healthy. In fact, it is time for me to leave for acupuncture right now...
Toodles!
L
As of this second, I think we're going to do it (if they want us). It scares me because it's yet another scientific thing thrown into the babymaking scene. I know that things can go wrong naturally too, but I think it's harder when the decision is mine to make. On the one hand, this flushing of the uterus with HCG is supposed to help implantation by FIFTEEN PERCENT, which is a ton. But on the other hand, I don't understand more than what I can google and what they tell me and I won't ever really know if there are long term effects. Is this safe? I hope so. There is so much trust that goes into this process.
UPDATED 1/22/13 - So, my transfer did get pushed back to an FET and I did not choose to do the HCG infusion at the time of embryo transfer. The nurses staff was visibly sad, but it's not their uterus and I just didn't feel there was enough information on this process. In a year, when the trial is done and they have the definitive answer they are looking for...I might be all for it! But not until then:)
Since the retrieval, I've had a lot of time to think. I'm very anxious. Very nervous. Very excited. I'm also very sad about certain things encountered along this journey of mine. I mean, it's inevitable in this situation that I will be around some depressing things. I sit in an infertility office almost every day, surrounded by girls like myself or worse off than myself.
On Saturday, I literally sat in between the two most opposite egg retrieval situations. Through the curtain to my left sat a girl, sick, nauseous, bloated, out of it, going through bed pan after bed pan because she couldn't stand. She was cooked, done. And for good reason. Her retrieval had produced a whopping 69 eggs before I'd even gotten there. SIXTY NINE! I don't think it's normal for nurses to whoop and holler, but they definitely were. Yes, this girl will have OHSS for sure, but she also has a crap load of eggs. I know some people think that the number of eggs don't matter because it's the quality that counts, but I don't know. She seemed pretty happy. Even if 60 out of 69 of them are immature, or didn't fertilize, there is still good amount left and that is INSANE.
However, to my right sat another girl and her husband. Of course I couldn't see either of these couples, but the curtains between us were thin and for good portions of our wait, Jeff and I were silent (much unlike the last time when thumb wrestling was our main thrill). The girl to my right was scheduled to go right before me. She was nervous, but in good spirits. When she spoke, she sounded very matter-of-fact but also excited. She and her husband laughed a good amount until the nurse approached them with the normal questions. I heard her say that she had already experienced a pregnancy for 2 full months. I heard her tell the nurse she was hoping for 7 eggs.
They walked her in.
In no time at (it felt like less than 10 minutes), she was wheeled back to where we were. Groggy and medicated. The nurse disclosed her number of eggs privately and I couldn't hear what she said, but I could hear the girl. She was crying. Through the tears we heard that her retrieval had produced 5 eggs and she was devastated. I heard her husband console her, saying "You knew it wouldn't be a lot." But that's the thing. Even when you KNOW you shouldn't get your hopes up, you do.
Before they even took me back to get on the backwards massage table from hell, the girl to my right had already changed, packed up and left. She was done and it took so much for me not to cry for her. Even if I never saw what she looked like, I felt for her. We were the same.
I'm home for this week, relaxing, getting stabbed with progesterone and keeping healthy. In fact, it is time for me to leave for acupuncture right now...
Toodles!
L
Sunday, December 9, 2012
Retrieval Day...
They retrieved...31 eggs!
And we received a call from the lab this morning saying that 20 have fertilized naturally.
Now it's up to me to chug my gatorade and keep my fingers crossed that OHSS fails to occur, the embryos grow at a good rate and that I may partake in my first transfer ever.
pleasepleasepleaseplease
Updated to add: My estrogen level went up to 6700 prior to retrieval. It has been about a day and a half and I am experiencing some discomfort, cramping, fullness...but hopefully it isn't OHSS. Or even if it is, I hope it's minor enough to avoid freezing the eggies.
And we received a call from the lab this morning saying that 20 have fertilized naturally.
Now it's up to me to chug my gatorade and keep my fingers crossed that OHSS fails to occur, the embryos grow at a good rate and that I may partake in my first transfer ever.
pleasepleasepleaseplease
Updated to add: My estrogen level went up to 6700 prior to retrieval. It has been about a day and a half and I am experiencing some discomfort, cramping, fullness...but hopefully it isn't OHSS. Or even if it is, I hope it's minor enough to avoid freezing the eggies.
Thursday, December 6, 2012
High Estrogen Level. Poop.
Just heard from my nurse and my E level is 5399 after 10 nights of stims. AND I have some fluid in my lining.
Poop.
My trigger is set for 2am tonight. Knowing us, we'll probably be so deliriously tired that we inject my love handles and create some sort of 'never before seen' alien follicle. Can't wait!
I believe I may already be delirious...
xoxo
Poop.
My trigger is set for 2am tonight. Knowing us, we'll probably be so deliriously tired that we inject my love handles and create some sort of 'never before seen' alien follicle. Can't wait!
I believe I may already be delirious...
xoxo
IVF Cycle Day 13 - TRIGGER!!!
It's trigger time tonight and I can't wait! I'm worse than a kid on Christmas. I just can't wait to know everything! I feel so good about everything right now and I hope to stay this way. As I wrote on my IVF Calendar post, my appointment this morning unveiled a 24, 2 20's, and about 5 or 6 19-17's as far as follicle sizes go. There are also a bunch smaller than those. FINGERS CROSSED! I wish it was Saturday already.
Once my nurse calls, she will inform me as to when I should take my Ovidrel shot tonight, since the retrieval will be exactly 36 hours from that time. I hope it's around 8ish. The earlier the better for me. Get 'er done.
I'll update once I hear...
Once my nurse calls, she will inform me as to when I should take my Ovidrel shot tonight, since the retrieval will be exactly 36 hours from that time. I hope it's around 8ish. The earlier the better for me. Get 'er done.
I'll update once I hear...
Wednesday, December 5, 2012
During shots, I listen to...
If you don't know already, the hubs and I have a routine when it comes to shooting medications through my belly or butt region in the name of making embryos. First, the hubs prepares all shots like the little mad scientist that he is, then he lights a candle because it smells nice (and when I start progesterone he hovers the syringe above the flame briefly to thin the fluid a bit) before calling me into the room. Then, we put on some tunes and get going. Badda bing, badda bang, badda boom.
Last cycle, I was in a Flo Rida IVF music phase, but this cycle I'm really feeling these songs:
Fun - Carry On
Imagine Dragons - It's Time
Philip Philips - Home
Listen, shoot, repeat.
xoxo
L
Last cycle, I was in a Flo Rida IVF music phase, but this cycle I'm really feeling these songs:
Fun - Carry On
Imagine Dragons - It's Time
Philip Philips - Home
Listen, shoot, repeat.
xoxo
L
You know your meds are making you emotional when...
this video of Jay-Z taking the subway makes you tear up.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ALIgRZCWrlk
I know, right?!
But how sweet is that woman's smile?! Ugh, the whole thing is just so freakin' cute, I can't stand it.
xoxo
L
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ALIgRZCWrlk
I know, right?!
But how sweet is that woman's smile?! Ugh, the whole thing is just so freakin' cute, I can't stand it.
xoxo
L
Symptoms
So, unlike most girls who make a list of pregnancy symptoms when they think they could possibly have a bun in the oven, I have a list of "non-pregnancy symptoms" that occur while I know 100% that I am not/could not possibly be preggers.
For instance, today I have the WORST heartburn. When I say the "worst" I mean that it actually feels like there is a small pool of molten lava sitting in my throat waiting to spill out at all times. If but a year prior, my younger, less jaded self would easily categorize this as a symptom. However, I am going through IVF and definitely not with-child. So, now I know....it's nothing. And in turn, I now know that it is possible to have such out-of-nowhere discomfort without being pregnant.
Symptoms like this one remind me that I cannot be fooled when it is time for the waiting game. Those weird twinges in my belly last month that occured when I was not pregnant - normal. That strange lower abdomen sensation - nothing again. And what about that time I thought my eyesight spontaneously became razor sharp out of nowhere only to have me exclaiming wildly, "IT MUST BE A BABY!" within the confines of my brain - Nope. Nada.
I think that I partly make this list of non-symptoms because I've reached a level of insanity that cannot be helped but also I think I do it for safety. I can't bare to get my hopes up too much. Too often.
When we first started "trying" (I hate that term - ew) symptoms were actually quite fun.
"Oh my God Jeff, I am SO nauseous!"
or
"Some weird crap is going on in my stomach right now."
Well, guess what? Weird crap = crap. Bowel movements do not a child make. Symptoms were a great way to secretly think I was about to get the greatest surprise of my life. Especially since they seemed to change EVERY SINGLE MONTH. But like anything else that is done over and over again counting symptoms gets old. Then desperate. And finally, I just got straight up jaded (as if I need another thing to be jaded about!) as a result.
When your girlfriend is like, "whoa, my sense of smell is crazy today...what if I'm pregnant?!" all Jaded Laura can ever say back is, "let's take a test," even when I should be saying something along the lines of, "OHMYGOD! YAAAAY! A BAYBEEEE!!!" or anything similar. To me, I'd rather just know instead of enduring days filled with whimsical symptoms that could possibly mean zilch. I mean, why waste the time living in La La Land. Right?
Holy smokes, I've just had a revelation:
I...think that I may be a symptom scrooge.
Being any kind of scrooge at this time of year is not cool. Hopefully it's just the meds talking. Seriously, tell me your symptoms, I won't bite. I promise!
Right now I'm on 100 (down from 150) of Follistim, 5 units of Lupron, and 1 vial (down from 2) of Menopur. Tonight will be night 10! Almost at the end!!!!
xoxo
Laura
For instance, today I have the WORST heartburn. When I say the "worst" I mean that it actually feels like there is a small pool of molten lava sitting in my throat waiting to spill out at all times. If but a year prior, my younger, less jaded self would easily categorize this as a symptom. However, I am going through IVF and definitely not with-child. So, now I know....it's nothing. And in turn, I now know that it is possible to have such out-of-nowhere discomfort without being pregnant.
Symptoms like this one remind me that I cannot be fooled when it is time for the waiting game. Those weird twinges in my belly last month that occured when I was not pregnant - normal. That strange lower abdomen sensation - nothing again. And what about that time I thought my eyesight spontaneously became razor sharp out of nowhere only to have me exclaiming wildly, "IT MUST BE A BABY!" within the confines of my brain - Nope. Nada.
I think that I partly make this list of non-symptoms because I've reached a level of insanity that cannot be helped but also I think I do it for safety. I can't bare to get my hopes up too much. Too often.
When we first started "trying" (I hate that term - ew) symptoms were actually quite fun.
"Oh my God Jeff, I am SO nauseous!"
or
"Some weird crap is going on in my stomach right now."
Well, guess what? Weird crap = crap. Bowel movements do not a child make. Symptoms were a great way to secretly think I was about to get the greatest surprise of my life. Especially since they seemed to change EVERY SINGLE MONTH. But like anything else that is done over and over again counting symptoms gets old. Then desperate. And finally, I just got straight up jaded (as if I need another thing to be jaded about!) as a result.
When your girlfriend is like, "whoa, my sense of smell is crazy today...what if I'm pregnant?!" all Jaded Laura can ever say back is, "let's take a test," even when I should be saying something along the lines of, "OHMYGOD! YAAAAY! A BAYBEEEE!!!" or anything similar. To me, I'd rather just know instead of enduring days filled with whimsical symptoms that could possibly mean zilch. I mean, why waste the time living in La La Land. Right?
Holy smokes, I've just had a revelation:
I...think that I may be a symptom scrooge.
Being any kind of scrooge at this time of year is not cool. Hopefully it's just the meds talking. Seriously, tell me your symptoms, I won't bite. I promise!
Right now I'm on 100 (down from 150) of Follistim, 5 units of Lupron, and 1 vial (down from 2) of Menopur. Tonight will be night 10! Almost at the end!!!!
xoxo
Laura
Monday, December 3, 2012
IVF Calendar, Part Deux
11/7 - Start AF, start BC
11/17 - Start Lupron 10units
11/21 - end BC
11/24 - Day 1
11/26 - Day 3 bloodwork/ultrasound & start 5units Lupron, 150 Menopur (2 vials), 150 Follistim
11/29 - Day 6 b/w & u/s. Meds stay the same. 14 on the left, 25 on the right.
12/1 - Day 8 the Doc said I was "plentiful." As usual, I will take what I can get compliment-wise.
12/3 - Day 10 - my biggest follie is 14. Change prescription to one Menopur and have to return tomorrow.
12/4 - Day 11 - I'm on the "daily plan," whoop whoop. I have a few eggs at 16, but the rest are all smaller. They believe my retrieval will be Saturday and they also think that given the amount of follicles, I may need to prep myself for OHSS. Booooo. OHSS will mean that I have a chance of freezing all eggs for a future FET. Double booo. Crossing my fingers for a happy outcome...that does not include cantalope sized ovaries and gallons of Gatorade ingestion.
12/5 - Day 12 - Giving blood was not fun today. Instead of a "pinch," I most definitely felt a "stab." As far as follicles go, I think I have a lot in there, but I think there is only 1 18mm one and all the rest are 16 and under. I'm getting sooooo nervous.
12/6 - Day 13 - I trigger tonight!!! My biggest follicle was 24, which seems like a lot for it to grow overnight. I also had 2 20's, 2 19's, a few 18's and a lot less than that. I HOPE THIS WORKS!!!
updated to add: estrogen at 5399 - high
12/7 - 2am - trigger with 1 Ovidrel shot.
6am - B/w & u/s AGAIN. Luckily, they were able to take blood from my left arm for once, so that was a pleasant surprise. Still some fluid in my lining but lots of egg as well. Not sure on Estrogen level yet. will post later...
12/8 - Retrieval Day!!! They retrieve 31 eggs.
12/9 - We are told that 20 have fertilized normally without the need for ICSI.
12/13 - Find out that the embryos are running a day behind schedule. 4 day 5 blasts are frozen for an upcoming FET in Feb (unless something opens sooner).
11/17 - Start Lupron 10units
11/21 - end BC
11/24 - Day 1
11/26 - Day 3 bloodwork/ultrasound & start 5units Lupron, 150 Menopur (2 vials), 150 Follistim
11/29 - Day 6 b/w & u/s. Meds stay the same. 14 on the left, 25 on the right.
12/1 - Day 8 the Doc said I was "plentiful." As usual, I will take what I can get compliment-wise.
12/3 - Day 10 - my biggest follie is 14. Change prescription to one Menopur and have to return tomorrow.
12/4 - Day 11 - I'm on the "daily plan," whoop whoop. I have a few eggs at 16, but the rest are all smaller. They believe my retrieval will be Saturday and they also think that given the amount of follicles, I may need to prep myself for OHSS. Booooo. OHSS will mean that I have a chance of freezing all eggs for a future FET. Double booo. Crossing my fingers for a happy outcome...that does not include cantalope sized ovaries and gallons of Gatorade ingestion.
12/5 - Day 12 - Giving blood was not fun today. Instead of a "pinch," I most definitely felt a "stab." As far as follicles go, I think I have a lot in there, but I think there is only 1 18mm one and all the rest are 16 and under. I'm getting sooooo nervous.
12/6 - Day 13 - I trigger tonight!!! My biggest follicle was 24, which seems like a lot for it to grow overnight. I also had 2 20's, 2 19's, a few 18's and a lot less than that. I HOPE THIS WORKS!!!
updated to add: estrogen at 5399 - high
12/7 - 2am - trigger with 1 Ovidrel shot.
6am - B/w & u/s AGAIN. Luckily, they were able to take blood from my left arm for once, so that was a pleasant surprise. Still some fluid in my lining but lots of egg as well. Not sure on Estrogen level yet. will post later...
12/8 - Retrieval Day!!! They retrieve 31 eggs.
12/9 - We are told that 20 have fertilized normally without the need for ICSI.
12/13 - Find out that the embryos are running a day behind schedule. 4 day 5 blasts are frozen for an upcoming FET in Feb (unless something opens sooner).
Sunday, December 2, 2012
IVF is confusing.
No matter how much I Google, I still feel insanely UN-knowledgeable about the IVF meds I'm taking. For instance, I know that Lupron holds back any sort of follie growth, which is why I started the cycle taking 10 units of it. BUT, why am I still taking 5 units along with 2 vials of Menopur and Follistim?
Shouldn't I just lose the Lupron completely and lose one vial of Menopur? Wouldn't that equal the same thing?
Or is Lupron really just supposed to slooooow the growth that the Menopur is forcing, so that all follicles grow at the same time?
VERY CONFUSING stuff. Like, whoa.
Shouldn't I just lose the Lupron completely and lose one vial of Menopur? Wouldn't that equal the same thing?
Or is Lupron really just supposed to slooooow the growth that the Menopur is forcing, so that all follicles grow at the same time?
VERY CONFUSING stuff. Like, whoa.
Sunday, November 25, 2012
Dear....you.
Dear future child of mine, who has yet to show any sort of enthusiasm in being born,
When you think of your dear old mom and dad, can you spare me one favor?
PLEASE. Do not think of me being injected with copious amounts of medication. Do not think of me laying on a doctor table every other day for months on end. Do not think of me crying or spacing out, wishing for you. Do not think of me as an IUI, IVF, Septum surgery, pee on a stick junky.
Instead, PLEASE think of me and your pops like this:
drunk.
taking shots at the shore house with your Uncle and Grandma.
saving turtles from the middle of the road.
not knowing how to hold your cousin, Ben. but hoping he loves me anyway.
laughing at baby showers.
laughing.
not even knowing what to do with a boo boo bunny.
Getting our faces painted at SeaWorld after 3 BudLight Limes too many.
hiding under a box with some wine.
traveling. all over.
And please think of us with your furry older brother. Because he is awesome.
PLEASE, think of us in this way, because honestly...other than this slight hiatus (i hope!) of infertility-dom...this is who we are.
xoxo
L
When you think of your dear old mom and dad, can you spare me one favor?
PLEASE. Do not think of me being injected with copious amounts of medication. Do not think of me laying on a doctor table every other day for months on end. Do not think of me crying or spacing out, wishing for you. Do not think of me as an IUI, IVF, Septum surgery, pee on a stick junky.
Instead, PLEASE think of me and your pops like this:
drunk.
taking shots at the shore house with your Uncle and Grandma.
saving turtles from the middle of the road.
not knowing how to hold your cousin, Ben. but hoping he loves me anyway.
laughing at baby showers.
laughing.
not even knowing what to do with a boo boo bunny.
Getting our faces painted at SeaWorld after 3 BudLight Limes too many.
hiding under a box with some wine.
traveling. all over.
 |
| San Diego! |
 |
| Italia |
 |
| Roma! |
 |
| Venice |
 |
| Mallorca, Spain |
 |
| Santa Monica, CA |
 |
| Skiing...somewhere |
 |
| 18 day cross country RV trip! |
And please think of us with your furry older brother. Because he is awesome.
PLEASE, think of us in this way, because honestly...other than this slight hiatus (i hope!) of infertility-dom...this is who we are.
xoxo
L
Saturday, November 24, 2012
Day 1!
Yay, it's officially Day 1!
I feel weird being so excited about moving forward with this cycle of IVF, but I totally am. Even though every month has been a dissapointment thus far, I can't help but feel good about moving forward THIS time. Everything about this whole process just DRAGS sometimes. Waiting for this, waiting for that. Getting your period, starting birth control, starting Lupron, then getting your period AGAIN...before you even get to Day 1. It's a lot for one girl to handle. And now, I at least know my tentative dates for the whole cycle, which is a relief. I go in on Monday morning (before catching a 7:30am train to work, blegh) for Day 3 b/w & u/s and then, hopefully begin with all of my million injections.
Also, I've been on Lupron for 7 days now (tonight will be my 8th) and I have to say that it isn't as bad as I thought it would be initally. It's not great. It definitely causes headaches, which my RE forewarned me about, (and MAJOR hunger pangs) but all of the loopy, tired weird side effects have been pretty manageable. AKA: I haven't been comitted.
xoxo
L
I feel weird being so excited about moving forward with this cycle of IVF, but I totally am. Even though every month has been a dissapointment thus far, I can't help but feel good about moving forward THIS time. Everything about this whole process just DRAGS sometimes. Waiting for this, waiting for that. Getting your period, starting birth control, starting Lupron, then getting your period AGAIN...before you even get to Day 1. It's a lot for one girl to handle. And now, I at least know my tentative dates for the whole cycle, which is a relief. I go in on Monday morning (before catching a 7:30am train to work, blegh) for Day 3 b/w & u/s and then, hopefully begin with all of my million injections.
Also, I've been on Lupron for 7 days now (tonight will be my 8th) and I have to say that it isn't as bad as I thought it would be initally. It's not great. It definitely causes headaches, which my RE forewarned me about, (and MAJOR hunger pangs) but all of the loopy, tired weird side effects have been pretty manageable. AKA: I haven't been comitted.
xoxo
L
Monday, November 19, 2012
Loopy Lupron
Today will be day 3 of Lupron injections and I cannot believe how weird this drug is. I wake up feeling SOOOOO tired. And I was in a wedding on Saturday, which usually makes me anxious and hyper and scared and the complete opposite of tired, but I was a total droop ball. It was crazy.
Oh, and then I cried out of nowhere which has actually never happened to me. So that was a new one. Not looking forward to the next couple weeks of this stuff if this is just the beginning!
I'll make sure to update on my side effects...as long as I don't get committed to the looney bin before that!
Oh, and then I cried out of nowhere which has actually never happened to me. So that was a new one. Not looking forward to the next couple weeks of this stuff if this is just the beginning!
I'll make sure to update on my side effects...as long as I don't get committed to the looney bin before that!
Friday, November 16, 2012
Our Christmas Card: Round 4
It has just occurred to me that I will be sending an eerily similar Christmas card this year to the one we sent last year. And the year before. Oh, and the year before that. Here we go again, people! Just me, my husband and our dog!
That's not depressing.
Honestly, I don't really want to complain because if anything happens to our mangy mutt (or my mangy husband), I will straight up go ape-shit on someone's ass, but still. I feel the symbolism. There will be no baby. No family expansion represented. And once again, that would be really really fine if we didn't want it.
So badly.
I really love the holidays, I do. I hope that I always will, even at times like this when hopelessness wins over positivity and sadness for lack of knowing lingers. I can't control a lot of things, but I can control some things. The holidays will arrive whether I'm ready for them or not and I can choose to enjoy them differently than I ever have before. I can focus my time doing things that MATTER. Hurricane Sandy killed the holidays for a lot of people all around me, so I think I'll focus on that and volunteer. Turkey, anyone?
xoxo
L
That's not depressing.
Honestly, I don't really want to complain because if anything happens to our mangy mutt (or my mangy husband), I will straight up go ape-shit on someone's ass, but still. I feel the symbolism. There will be no baby. No family expansion represented. And once again, that would be really really fine if we didn't want it.
So badly.
I really love the holidays, I do. I hope that I always will, even at times like this when hopelessness wins over positivity and sadness for lack of knowing lingers. I can't control a lot of things, but I can control some things. The holidays will arrive whether I'm ready for them or not and I can choose to enjoy them differently than I ever have before. I can focus my time doing things that MATTER. Hurricane Sandy killed the holidays for a lot of people all around me, so I think I'll focus on that and volunteer. Turkey, anyone?
xoxo
L
Thursday, November 8, 2012
Here we go again...
It's officially happening! We're doing it again!
The pharmacy called to confirm all of my meds that will be shipped shortly and I have to say, I'm pretty excited. Of course in 3 weeks, I'll probably be pacing the finish off of our wood floors, but for now, I can't help but think, THIS IS IT!!!! God, I hope so.
Here we go again,
L
Oh and BTW, my cysts weren't that serious. THANK GOODNESS. Apparently, they are just little trickster ninja's that make people feel pregnant and delay periods, which to an infertile girl is pretty heartless. Bastards.
The pharmacy called to confirm all of my meds that will be shipped shortly and I have to say, I'm pretty excited. Of course in 3 weeks, I'll probably be pacing the finish off of our wood floors, but for now, I can't help but think, THIS IS IT!!!! God, I hope so.
Here we go again,
L
Oh and BTW, my cysts weren't that serious. THANK GOODNESS. Apparently, they are just little trickster ninja's that make people feel pregnant and delay periods, which to an infertile girl is pretty heartless. Bastards.
Friday, November 2, 2012
A Cyst. Seriously?!
So, as I previously wrote, the hubs and I decided to run for the hills after our botched IVF attempt. We left our cozy home, fled to NYC and enjoyed a month of easy peasy commuting, friends, comedy clubs, happy hours and good food. It was a unique time in our lives. Something I don't see us doing for quite this long ever again. It was our month off. Our month of "happy."
And it was...but as you know, wanting a child isn't something that can just go away for a month. The thought is always there. Waiting in the wings. Waiting for attention.
So, here is a a little background about my cycles. They're near exact everytime. Day 17 to day 19 = ovulate. Luteal phase - 10 to 11 days long. Every time.
This month we (I) decided to try the SMEP method (google it, it's easy). At this stage in the game, there was no way I'd just throw a month in the garbage and I figured doing more than the every-other-day thing would be better for us considering the morphology problem we've faced in the past. Why not?! I used ovulation predictors and we were on our way.
My ovulation was a bit on the late side, at cycle day 19, but we were prepared. Onward, we went. Finally we had successfully completed and graduated with our SMEP certificate of achievment. All that was left to do was wait for 11 days. Of course they slowly but surely crept up and through squinted eyes and clenched fists, I realized that nothing was happening. No cramping, no soreness in my chest, no backaches. No period. I could not believe it. Then, I started to feel fatigued. I tasted metal under my tongue. Aches in my back. And twinges began to nip at the inside of my stomach. Could it be?
I secretly tested at 1 day past my missed period and quickly received the ever-present single line. Another BFN. I could handle it. I always do. Except that this time...I really felt off...and it wasn't my imagination. I tested every day for 5 days, until I finally called the nurse at my Infertility palace. My luteal phase is never off. She knew this was weird. We set up an appt for today. Blood test and ultrasound. The usual.
Well, guess what? I was right. I am "off" and I am late. It was not my imagination. But this equation does not always equal a baby apparently. I should have known...
Take one guess as to who has yet another roadblock standing between herself and a second cycle of IVF.
I'll give you a hint: she has a blog.
Turns out that I have generated multiple luteal cysts. MULTIPLE. From one single cycle of IVF. I hate to complain. Especially at a time where my parents are worried about losing their home to Hurricane Sandy, all four of us are living under 1 roof with no power and countless people lost so much more. But I can't help but feel sad. Again.
Like all things...this too shall pass.
L
And it was...but as you know, wanting a child isn't something that can just go away for a month. The thought is always there. Waiting in the wings. Waiting for attention.
So, here is a a little background about my cycles. They're near exact everytime. Day 17 to day 19 = ovulate. Luteal phase - 10 to 11 days long. Every time.
This month we (I) decided to try the SMEP method (google it, it's easy). At this stage in the game, there was no way I'd just throw a month in the garbage and I figured doing more than the every-other-day thing would be better for us considering the morphology problem we've faced in the past. Why not?! I used ovulation predictors and we were on our way.
My ovulation was a bit on the late side, at cycle day 19, but we were prepared. Onward, we went. Finally we had successfully completed and graduated with our SMEP certificate of achievment. All that was left to do was wait for 11 days. Of course they slowly but surely crept up and through squinted eyes and clenched fists, I realized that nothing was happening. No cramping, no soreness in my chest, no backaches. No period. I could not believe it. Then, I started to feel fatigued. I tasted metal under my tongue. Aches in my back. And twinges began to nip at the inside of my stomach. Could it be?
I secretly tested at 1 day past my missed period and quickly received the ever-present single line. Another BFN. I could handle it. I always do. Except that this time...I really felt off...and it wasn't my imagination. I tested every day for 5 days, until I finally called the nurse at my Infertility palace. My luteal phase is never off. She knew this was weird. We set up an appt for today. Blood test and ultrasound. The usual.
Well, guess what? I was right. I am "off" and I am late. It was not my imagination. But this equation does not always equal a baby apparently. I should have known...
Take one guess as to who has yet another roadblock standing between herself and a second cycle of IVF.
I'll give you a hint: she has a blog.
Turns out that I have generated multiple luteal cysts. MULTIPLE. From one single cycle of IVF. I hate to complain. Especially at a time where my parents are worried about losing their home to Hurricane Sandy, all four of us are living under 1 roof with no power and countless people lost so much more. But I can't help but feel sad. Again.
Like all things...this too shall pass.
L
Tuesday, October 16, 2012
Acupuncture.
Anxiety/Infertility.
Those are my biggest hurdles. That's why when work had me over-the-top stressed out today, I decided it was time to start doing acupuncture. My stomach is weak and my gut fills with acid when I feel like I did today. It can not be good for building a healthy home for a baby and I have to do everything I can in my power to get this baby living in my home...so that's what's up. L + Acupuncture = awesomeness. And now that my 2 and a half hour visit is over, I can really say with confidence that this is perfect for me. If not for my fertility...for me. I love natural healing!
While I'm living in the city this month, I'll go back at least 3 to 4 more times (I've already scheduled my next two visits!) and I think I'll come back even when I go home. I really liked her. She was so knowledgeable and even though I kinda treated her like a therapist (oopsie), I think she reeeally knows her stuff.
Cheers to another new and exciting infertility adventure!
L
Those are my biggest hurdles. That's why when work had me over-the-top stressed out today, I decided it was time to start doing acupuncture. My stomach is weak and my gut fills with acid when I feel like I did today. It can not be good for building a healthy home for a baby and I have to do everything I can in my power to get this baby living in my home...so that's what's up. L + Acupuncture = awesomeness. And now that my 2 and a half hour visit is over, I can really say with confidence that this is perfect for me. If not for my fertility...for me. I love natural healing!
While I'm living in the city this month, I'll go back at least 3 to 4 more times (I've already scheduled my next two visits!) and I think I'll come back even when I go home. I really liked her. She was so knowledgeable and even though I kinda treated her like a therapist (oopsie), I think she reeeally knows her stuff.
Cheers to another new and exciting infertility adventure!
L
Monday, October 15, 2012
So, I cried...
This weekend, I had a Bachelorette party for one of my best friends...
And I cried.
The night began when I pulled up a chair to dinner and asked the girl across from how she was. Her reply was a simple and excited, "Good!" followed by, "I'm...pregnant." Wow. I did not expect that. However, my reaction was pretty (semi-) normal. I did alright! Until she followed up with, "... and so is blah blah!" (blah blah was the girl sitting to my left). Suddenly I found myself surrounded by fertile girls that I was insanely jealous of. And it totally threw me off.
I could not shake it.
Every minute, every hour, I thought of their little baby bumps. Their babies in their bellies. I thought of the fact that I have not ever had one. I thought of how badly I want one. I basically thought of EVERYTHING having to do with my fertility and nothing to do with my friends bachelorette party. It was like I was in a trance. Posessed.
That's why, when 3am rolled around and I got a second with my soon-to-be-married lady friend, I broke down. I didn't mean to. Really and truly. But it happened. I told her that I was so excited for the other girls. SO excited. Because, honestly...I am. I feel like getting pregnant is so impossible that the fact that they achieved it is amazing. But as soon as the words came out of my slightly drunk mouth, I felt my lip quiver and the flood gates open. I cried, "It's just been so hard," and you know what?
It has.
It has been SO freaking hard. Hard on my body, hard on our bank account...but mostly, it has been so hard on my mind. And I'm tired. Not tired enough to quit or give up, but tired. Exhausted, even. The thought of my next IVF cycle starting up in a month is scary. What if it doesn't work again? What will happen?
I won't die. I won't give up. But I do feel that I will find myself getting progressively more exhausted. It's been a long and hard road with no end in sight. But, I refuse to give in to jealousy and I refuse to give up. We want a child...that's it.
xoxo
L
And I cried.
The night began when I pulled up a chair to dinner and asked the girl across from how she was. Her reply was a simple and excited, "Good!" followed by, "I'm...pregnant." Wow. I did not expect that. However, my reaction was pretty (semi-) normal. I did alright! Until she followed up with, "... and so is blah blah!" (blah blah was the girl sitting to my left). Suddenly I found myself surrounded by fertile girls that I was insanely jealous of. And it totally threw me off.
I could not shake it.
Every minute, every hour, I thought of their little baby bumps. Their babies in their bellies. I thought of the fact that I have not ever had one. I thought of how badly I want one. I basically thought of EVERYTHING having to do with my fertility and nothing to do with my friends bachelorette party. It was like I was in a trance. Posessed.
That's why, when 3am rolled around and I got a second with my soon-to-be-married lady friend, I broke down. I didn't mean to. Really and truly. But it happened. I told her that I was so excited for the other girls. SO excited. Because, honestly...I am. I feel like getting pregnant is so impossible that the fact that they achieved it is amazing. But as soon as the words came out of my slightly drunk mouth, I felt my lip quiver and the flood gates open. I cried, "It's just been so hard," and you know what?
It has.
It has been SO freaking hard. Hard on my body, hard on our bank account...but mostly, it has been so hard on my mind. And I'm tired. Not tired enough to quit or give up, but tired. Exhausted, even. The thought of my next IVF cycle starting up in a month is scary. What if it doesn't work again? What will happen?
I won't die. I won't give up. But I do feel that I will find myself getting progressively more exhausted. It's been a long and hard road with no end in sight. But, I refuse to give in to jealousy and I refuse to give up. We want a child...that's it.
xoxo
L
Tuesday, October 2, 2012
Friday, September 28, 2012
A Glimmer.
I've always been a very positive person. If there is at least a glimmer of hope, my brain defaults into thinking that happiness and goodness is winning out over sadness and badness. As a child, I was deliriously happy,which in adolescence turned to cautiously happy with a touch of realism and I think I've stayed that way ever since. I like to think happy thoughts. Finding a way to think them, even when the most obvious emotion to feel is a negative one. My brain is persistent. It wants what it wants. And it wants to be happy. Eternally so. However, infertility is not a jolly prognosis. It is the thing that keeps my brain searching, reaching, thinking thinking thinking. Thinking that if we try hard enough, fight hard enough, want this bad enough...we will succeed.
After my egg transfer was canceled, I broke down for the first time in a long time. Like really broke down. I've been quiet after bad news before. I've teared up after dashed dreams. But I've never fully broken down. My stomach was filled with poison gnawing at me and I couldn't release tears and sobs fast enough. I was mad. SO mad. So pissed. So defeated. I couldn't believe that all of our work. Everything we had gone through. It was for nothing. Nothing. 19 eggs = 2 morulas and an almost blastocyst. The transfer was canceled. There would be no baby.
Then, I was told that the lab would call with results of the final 3 eggs. Would they make it to freeze? My nurse sounded doubtful. Especially of the 2 morulas. It didn't look promising. Well, I didn't receive a call. An entire weekend passed and I did not hear a thing. Parts of my brain continued to think that we just needed to try IVF again. We just had to give it another shot. Try harder. Be better. But then reality would hit me. It completely did NOT work this time. Could we go through this disappointment again? And again? When the hubs said that he didn't want to see us go through the sadness another time, it was the first sign of defeat I'd ever seen in him. When he said that he thinks we can be happy without children, I couldn't argue with him. I could see that his brain was finally concluding that we may never succeed. He had lost hope in the process. It was over.
I was expecting a call from the doctor on Monday morning to discuss the cycle and my next steps. She, unlike the weekend lab people, actually did call when she was promised to. Thank God. She said things like, "you responded well" and "nice follicles" and "estrogen up to 3500." I listened, writing her words feverishly until she also said, "And you can always do an FET cycle with just the one embryo if you don't want to do another fresh IVF right away."
huh?
I literally could not put the breaks on the conversation quick enough. Rewind, please! What do you mean FET? What do you mean 'embryo'? Where was my weekend call from the lab?! What the hell was going on?!
My heart soared. My glimmer of hope was happening.
Yes, I'd been overlooked for an extremely deserved phonecall, but it didn't matter. I had 1 blastocyst make it to freeze. 1 beautiful little overachiever with the cell count of 8 and the grade of 6 BB. We had done it and it was perfect.
I will take this as my sign that something can come of this. I will take from it what I can. I needed to feel hopeful. I needed to share good news with my husband. I needed to shout it from the rooftops! Something good will happen. IVF didn't completely fail me! THANK HEAVENS. Now, will I jump into a FET with only one embryo when it could possibly die before it's even thawed? Probably not. But it's there. If I wanted to, I could. And though I still feel sad about the outcome of my cycle, I also think that our one embryo has given us renewed hope.
I think it's important to hang onto any positivity I can find at this point. So that's what I intend to do :)
xoxo
L
After my egg transfer was canceled, I broke down for the first time in a long time. Like really broke down. I've been quiet after bad news before. I've teared up after dashed dreams. But I've never fully broken down. My stomach was filled with poison gnawing at me and I couldn't release tears and sobs fast enough. I was mad. SO mad. So pissed. So defeated. I couldn't believe that all of our work. Everything we had gone through. It was for nothing. Nothing. 19 eggs = 2 morulas and an almost blastocyst. The transfer was canceled. There would be no baby.
Then, I was told that the lab would call with results of the final 3 eggs. Would they make it to freeze? My nurse sounded doubtful. Especially of the 2 morulas. It didn't look promising. Well, I didn't receive a call. An entire weekend passed and I did not hear a thing. Parts of my brain continued to think that we just needed to try IVF again. We just had to give it another shot. Try harder. Be better. But then reality would hit me. It completely did NOT work this time. Could we go through this disappointment again? And again? When the hubs said that he didn't want to see us go through the sadness another time, it was the first sign of defeat I'd ever seen in him. When he said that he thinks we can be happy without children, I couldn't argue with him. I could see that his brain was finally concluding that we may never succeed. He had lost hope in the process. It was over.
I was expecting a call from the doctor on Monday morning to discuss the cycle and my next steps. She, unlike the weekend lab people, actually did call when she was promised to. Thank God. She said things like, "you responded well" and "nice follicles" and "estrogen up to 3500." I listened, writing her words feverishly until she also said, "And you can always do an FET cycle with just the one embryo if you don't want to do another fresh IVF right away."
huh?
I literally could not put the breaks on the conversation quick enough. Rewind, please! What do you mean FET? What do you mean 'embryo'? Where was my weekend call from the lab?! What the hell was going on?!
My heart soared. My glimmer of hope was happening.
Yes, I'd been overlooked for an extremely deserved phonecall, but it didn't matter. I had 1 blastocyst make it to freeze. 1 beautiful little overachiever with the cell count of 8 and the grade of 6 BB. We had done it and it was perfect.
I will take this as my sign that something can come of this. I will take from it what I can. I needed to feel hopeful. I needed to share good news with my husband. I needed to shout it from the rooftops! Something good will happen. IVF didn't completely fail me! THANK HEAVENS. Now, will I jump into a FET with only one embryo when it could possibly die before it's even thawed? Probably not. But it's there. If I wanted to, I could. And though I still feel sad about the outcome of my cycle, I also think that our one embryo has given us renewed hope.
I think it's important to hang onto any positivity I can find at this point. So that's what I intend to do :)
xoxo
L
Friday, September 21, 2012
Nothing.
I feel pretty dead inside right now. I've already cried more than I have in the past 12 months put together and now I'm just existing. Feeling numb. Tired. Tomorrow should have been my transfer, but it has been canceled. IVF should have resulted in a baby this month, but it won't. I should have healthy eggs since I'm not even 30 yet, but it doesn't seem to be that way. Out of the 19 eggs retrieved, 16 have arrested, 2 are morulas (which they believe will not make it to freeze) and one is 'almost' a blastocyst.
I'm 29. Why?
If the almost blasto can make it to freeze, it will be freezed tomorrow. I hope it makes it, but nothing sounds promising at the moment. All that work. All that money. Over. I can't believe it.
I'm not sure what the next step will be for us. I think that we will still escape our troubles for the month of October and work/live in the city. Maybe we can do another IVF cycle in November to get better eggs. Maybe.
This is so tiring. I'm tired.
I'm 29. Why?
If the almost blasto can make it to freeze, it will be freezed tomorrow. I hope it makes it, but nothing sounds promising at the moment. All that work. All that money. Over. I can't believe it.
I'm not sure what the next step will be for us. I think that we will still escape our troubles for the month of October and work/live in the city. Maybe we can do another IVF cycle in November to get better eggs. Maybe.
This is so tiring. I'm tired.
Wednesday, September 19, 2012
I've been calm...
but I'm slowly starting to lose it.
For the past 7.5 years, I've had anxiety. Some years were really bad, but recently I've gotten it under wraps. The source of my panic usually lies in a very specific problem. I have IBS. I like to know that I can go to the bathroom at any moment, should I happen to be overwhelmed with a sudden stomach ache. From this fear, grew my anxiety. It hit me in an instant during my college graduation (yes I did run off of the field during the president's speech) when I was sure I was merely having a heart attack, and has been with me ever since.
Oddly enough, since struggling with infertility, I have been extremely calm. At first I was sure I'd get pregnant "any day now." Then, I was diagnosed with a T-shaped uterus. The three months living with that misdiagnosis were the worst. I wasn't anxious though, I was sad. Then, I was finally told by a much more capable clinic that I had been misdiagnosed. I had a septum in my uterus which could be removed with surgery. From there, surgery, repair, an unsuccessful IUI and now IVF. All back to back.
In all of that time, the only anxiety that I experienced was minor and occurred while sitting on the hospital bed waiting to be wheeled into surgery and while I sat in the waiting room, waiting for my named to be called countless times. And even then I'd have some anxiety in the doctor's room, waiting for the doctor. I wasn't even scared by what the doctor would say or find. I was scared I'd have to go to the bathroom. A few times, I did actually run out of the room to use the facilities really quick. But that was it. All stomach related.
This is why I'm a little uneasy with how I feel now. Anxious. But not over my stomach. Will this work? I don't know...
Nobody knows. I hate that.
So many shots, so many visits to the doctor, so many restrictions, so many lies to my friends and family about not being able to make plans because of my injection and doctor schedule. 10 days of the pill, 23 injections (so far...13 more progesterone to go), 5 pills a day, countless blood and ultrasounds. I'm scared. I'm invested. I'm attached. And terrified by how it may end.
xo
L
For the past 7.5 years, I've had anxiety. Some years were really bad, but recently I've gotten it under wraps. The source of my panic usually lies in a very specific problem. I have IBS. I like to know that I can go to the bathroom at any moment, should I happen to be overwhelmed with a sudden stomach ache. From this fear, grew my anxiety. It hit me in an instant during my college graduation (yes I did run off of the field during the president's speech) when I was sure I was merely having a heart attack, and has been with me ever since.
Oddly enough, since struggling with infertility, I have been extremely calm. At first I was sure I'd get pregnant "any day now." Then, I was diagnosed with a T-shaped uterus. The three months living with that misdiagnosis were the worst. I wasn't anxious though, I was sad. Then, I was finally told by a much more capable clinic that I had been misdiagnosed. I had a septum in my uterus which could be removed with surgery. From there, surgery, repair, an unsuccessful IUI and now IVF. All back to back.
In all of that time, the only anxiety that I experienced was minor and occurred while sitting on the hospital bed waiting to be wheeled into surgery and while I sat in the waiting room, waiting for my named to be called countless times. And even then I'd have some anxiety in the doctor's room, waiting for the doctor. I wasn't even scared by what the doctor would say or find. I was scared I'd have to go to the bathroom. A few times, I did actually run out of the room to use the facilities really quick. But that was it. All stomach related.
This is why I'm a little uneasy with how I feel now. Anxious. But not over my stomach. Will this work? I don't know...
Nobody knows. I hate that.
So many shots, so many visits to the doctor, so many restrictions, so many lies to my friends and family about not being able to make plans because of my injection and doctor schedule. 10 days of the pill, 23 injections (so far...13 more progesterone to go), 5 pills a day, countless blood and ultrasounds. I'm scared. I'm invested. I'm attached. And terrified by how it may end.
xo
L
Monday, September 17, 2012
Update: 7 eggies
I received the call from my nurse to say that out of the 19 eggs retrieved, 7 were fertilized.
Why was I hoping for more?! Why is there no insurance in the business of making babies?
Fingers, toes and dog's paws shall remain crossed until Friday.
L
Why was I hoping for more?! Why is there no insurance in the business of making babies?
Fingers, toes and dog's paws shall remain crossed until Friday.
L
It's okay to laugh.
If I had to sum this month up in one word, it would be: OUCH. Sooooo many needles. I sometimes wonder if my right arm (left arm's vein is never able to be found - sneaky) will ever heal or if people think I have a slight heroin addiction. My abdomen under my belly has little prick marks in it along with a couple small yellow bruises and my back has two permanent marker circles drawn on it so that I know where to inject my progesterone tonight through the pregnancy test.
But, I have to say...this made me laugh:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1dwMW_iNkz0
Not the biggest Kardashian fan, but a HUGE fan of anyone going public with anything having to do with fertility (Kim is freezing her eggs). And plus, this is kind of hilarious. On the hubs' worst day, he was never that bad!
Enjoy!
L
But, I have to say...this made me laugh:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1dwMW_iNkz0
Not the biggest Kardashian fan, but a HUGE fan of anyone going public with anything having to do with fertility (Kim is freezing her eggs). And plus, this is kind of hilarious. On the hubs' worst day, he was never that bad!
Enjoy!
L
Sunday, September 16, 2012
Egg Retrieval Sunday Funday!
Who wears this shirt on their way to an IVF egg retrieval appointment?
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The hubs, that's who!
So, the retrieval went well. 19 eggs retrieved.
Here's how it all went down:
Sign papers.
Dress in beautiful hospital gown complete with hairnet, booties, and robe.
Thumb war with the hubs. I win.
Prep for IV.
Stab left arm to no avail.
Switch to right arm. IV success.
Talk to doctor.
Walk with Anesthesiologist (aka- my BFF) to Operating Room.
Lay on weird table with oxygen.
Say my name and last four digits of social security number.
Pass out.
-20 minutes later
Wake up with heating pad on stomach.
Say a few weird things that make little sense.
Eat cookie and drink apple juice.
Go to the rest room.
Get dressed.
Leave.
Drive straight to Panera for broccoli/cheddar soup.
DONE.
The biggest blessing of the day was the anesthesia. I mean, putting me on a bed similar to a massage table...only with my butt placed in the hole a face should go in was weird. And from there, it only got weirder. The lack of privacy was enough to pass out on my own without the gas or IV or whatever they gave me, but thankfully it didn't come to that. I have always been a super-prude, so the position in which I was told to lay was NOT ideal but, it is what it is. I do my part, they do theirs.
Positive thoughts!
.JPG)
The hubs, that's who!
So, the retrieval went well. 19 eggs retrieved.
Here's how it all went down:
Sign papers.
Dress in beautiful hospital gown complete with hairnet, booties, and robe.
Thumb war with the hubs. I win.
Prep for IV.
Stab left arm to no avail.
Switch to right arm. IV success.
Talk to doctor.
Walk with Anesthesiologist (aka- my BFF) to Operating Room.
Lay on weird table with oxygen.
Say my name and last four digits of social security number.
Pass out.
-20 minutes later
Wake up with heating pad on stomach.
Say a few weird things that make little sense.
Eat cookie and drink apple juice.
Go to the rest room.
Get dressed.
Leave.
Drive straight to Panera for broccoli/cheddar soup.
DONE.
The biggest blessing of the day was the anesthesia. I mean, putting me on a bed similar to a massage table...only with my butt placed in the hole a face should go in was weird. And from there, it only got weirder. The lack of privacy was enough to pass out on my own without the gas or IV or whatever they gave me, but thankfully it didn't come to that. I have always been a super-prude, so the position in which I was told to lay was NOT ideal but, it is what it is. I do my part, they do theirs.
Positive thoughts!
Sharps Container = Full.
I never thought I'd see the day. I mean, this sharps container thing is full. Full of empty vials and used up needles...which ultimately means that my body is full of lots of crazy medicines and needle holes. Eek. We actually asked for another container the other day because we were getting worried that the shots would never end. And actually we were kind of right since I just found out today after my retrieval that I have to do a progesterone shot every night starting tomorrow and continuing through the next 14 days.
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Awesome.
.JPG)
Awesome.
Thursday, September 13, 2012
And we have lift off!
So, on Tuesday I had 3 follicles.
Today (2 days later)...I have 22!!!!!!!!!! In the words of my nurse, "You have really taken off!"
She told me to get home asap and take the ganirelix shot to stop premature ovulation. I have another appointment tomorrow morning even though I had one today, so I think things are starting to speed up. I really hope this isn't a mistake because I'm really excited for some forward movement. Fingers crossed!
xoxo
L
Today (2 days later)...I have 22!!!!!!!!!! In the words of my nurse, "You have really taken off!"
She told me to get home asap and take the ganirelix shot to stop premature ovulation. I have another appointment tomorrow morning even though I had one today, so I think things are starting to speed up. I really hope this isn't a mistake because I'm really excited for some forward movement. Fingers crossed!
xoxo
L
Tuesday, September 11, 2012
You know what's weird?
Listening to this:
WHISTLE - FLO RIDA
...while being injected with Menopur and Follistim.
Bikini's, the ocean, Flo Rida, and needles in my stomach! I can't help but notice that me and the models in that video are living very different lives at the moment.
xoxo
L
WHISTLE - FLO RIDA
...while being injected with Menopur and Follistim.
Bikini's, the ocean, Flo Rida, and needles in my stomach! I can't help but notice that me and the models in that video are living very different lives at the moment.
xoxo
L
MY IVF CALENDAR, holler.
Have I ever mentioned how much I love making lists? Lists make everything more fun, so here's my IVF callie with the dates of everything as I go along:
Blood test/ultrasound - prescribed birth control and thyroid med to help egg quality.
10 days of BC
9/2/12 - AF arrives
9/4/12 - Cycle Day 3 blood tests and ultrasound to check ovaries, lining, etc.
Day 3 - Begin injections of Menopur & Follistim at night/Husband begins Doxycycline.
9/7/12- Day 6 - followup appointment to check on progress.
9/9/12- Day 8 - 30 small eggs less than ten
Day 9 - belly starts to feel tender
9/11/12 - Day 10 - 3 follicles (my nurse said that my ovaries have "woken up." Crazy sleeping ovaries), around 25 less than 10. Doctor says no retrieval this weekend (it's only Tuesday) and I guess you can say I'm a bit bummed about that. Oh well. Time will fly. It always does!
9/13/12- Day 12 - 22 follicles!!! Take a ganirlex shot asap and continue with meds. Apparently I'll be triggering soon. Yay.
9/14/12 - Day 13 - Trigger with 2 Ovidrel shots back to back.
9/16/12 - Day 15 - Egg retrieval = 19 eggs.
9/17/12 - 7 eggs fertilized
9/21/12 - Cycle CANCELED. 2 Morulas and 1 almost blastocyst. Not enough for a transfer.
Updated to add: The almost blast did become a dynamite 6BB blastocyst...just a day too late. Had to be frozen since my clinic will only transfer blasts.
Monday, September 10, 2012
Wedding Receptions and Medicine Injections
So, a college friend of mine got married this weekend. It was a lovely affair, filled with people I haven't seen in ages, good food, great music and menopur injections in the parking lot. Boy, have times changed.
The hubs and I drove to the venue (and parked far from the entrance) to ensure a safe place to sit and administer the mixing of medications and injections. Plus, we had to keep them in a cooler and thought lugging that on the shuttle from the hotel to the party would be a little obvious...and weird.
I was nervous ALL DAY. Something about these medications have my stomach and nerves going at all times. It seemed like the day of the wedding was the day that a lot of side effects hit me - mostly nonstop stomach aches and a dull headache, so I was nervous as to how this would all play out.
Turns out - our undercover mission went great! No need for all of the stress. My nightly medicine time is 9:30pm and luckily most partygoers were tipsy by then. Thank goodness. We ended up making our stealth exit at 10pm-ish and were back to party within 30 minutes (we're still a little slow at this). Only one person even asked where we went and I said that I had a stomach ache. I have had IBS for pretty much my whole life, so this was extreeeemely believable.
I'm SO happy that we were able to pull it off. Yay us!
Onto the side effects. I'm 6 nights of medicine in and this is what I've felt so far:
tender lower stomach/it feels bruised
slightly bloated
2 days of headaches
stomach aches for a couple days/could be IBS related, not sure.
and slightly more hungry
That's all so far! I have another appt tomorrow and I can't wait to hear what they say. Yesterday, they said that I have 30 small eggs (16 on one side and 14 on the other) with my progesterone and estrogen levels seeming good. They're also keeping me on the same amount of meds (150 follistim and 1 menopur). Yay!
The hubs and I drove to the venue (and parked far from the entrance) to ensure a safe place to sit and administer the mixing of medications and injections. Plus, we had to keep them in a cooler and thought lugging that on the shuttle from the hotel to the party would be a little obvious...and weird.
I was nervous ALL DAY. Something about these medications have my stomach and nerves going at all times. It seemed like the day of the wedding was the day that a lot of side effects hit me - mostly nonstop stomach aches and a dull headache, so I was nervous as to how this would all play out.
Turns out - our undercover mission went great! No need for all of the stress. My nightly medicine time is 9:30pm and luckily most partygoers were tipsy by then. Thank goodness. We ended up making our stealth exit at 10pm-ish and were back to party within 30 minutes (we're still a little slow at this). Only one person even asked where we went and I said that I had a stomach ache. I have had IBS for pretty much my whole life, so this was extreeeemely believable.
I'm SO happy that we were able to pull it off. Yay us!
Onto the side effects. I'm 6 nights of medicine in and this is what I've felt so far:
tender lower stomach/it feels bruised
slightly bloated
2 days of headaches
stomach aches for a couple days/could be IBS related, not sure.
and slightly more hungry
That's all so far! I have another appt tomorrow and I can't wait to hear what they say. Yesterday, they said that I have 30 small eggs (16 on one side and 14 on the other) with my progesterone and estrogen levels seeming good. They're also keeping me on the same amount of meds (150 follistim and 1 menopur). Yay!
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