I've always kept a diary. Always. A diary girl for life. Which is why it's weird right now to be typing. And candidly.
One thing I've learned about myself in the last 23 years of diary-keeping, is that I am a control freak. I find comfort in knowing the outcome of conversations and have been known (more-so in my earlier years) to replay a moment 10 too many times if things went a way other than the one I'd previously hoped for. What I can say about my "control problem" is that I always try to fix it. I allow myself to act spontaneously (which is helped by my impatience and ADD problems...but that's for another day) but mostly I've learned to REALLY learn from others' mistakes. Sure, this meant I wouldn't be dating in high school (a condition that deemed me as "shady" since no adolescent in their right mind would skip such an emotionally insane stage of life) but to me it's all about moving forward positively, making as few mistakes as possible by actually really learning from what others have been through. It's worked quite swimmingly in most every phase of my life, I must say.
Except for today.
Today I learned what it was like to feel very out of control. I learned that no matter how much I learned from others, their history, some things can't be prevented.
I have T-shaped uterus.
Here's some background:
My husband and I have been trying for 8 months to expand our family (bc us and our dog constitutes as a family already, right? Right!). We've been trying and I've actually been pretty relaxed. I feel that some people rush into parenthood and then spend years running around saying things like, "I wish we even had a social life," or "I can't do this" or "I can't do that because of the kids," and I didn't ever want to feel or act that way. However, around the 5 month mark, (just to be on the safe side) I went for some harmless testing. My doc took loads of blood and I waited patiently for the results. They were stellar! I felt very good about hearing the news and decided to keep trying naturally.
Two more months went by and I decided to tell my doctor about some slight pain I've been feeling and ignoring for months in my ovaries. She didn't bother with the normal, "I'm sure you're fine!" hubbub that I always hate and instead suggested I get an HSG and pelvic ultrasound in addition to having the hubs' "stuff" checked out (I can't be the only one doing things here). Immediately, I made the appointment, waited a week, and canceled it. Do not google "HSG" if you want to feel good about things. Ouch. Hubs didn't take my cue however, went to his appt and came back with A-mazing results. We were clearly fine! Another month went by unsuccessfully and I decided to move forward with booking and actually attending the appointment. That was this morning.
I still don't know everything gathered from my HSG, pelvic ultrasound, and Sonohysterogram, but I do know that they pulled me into a room to explain that I have a T-shaped uterus. And I know that hearing, "It will be harder for you to conceive naturally and especially hard to carry a baby to full term" hurt more than the HSG and Sonohysterogram put together. "And you will likely experience multiple miscarriages, if you are lucky enough to conceive."
Those were her words.
My mind raced immediately, thinking of how I could fix this problem. There has to be a million people with positive things to say! Right? (Along with not googling 'HSG', you may want to leave "T-shaped uterus" out of the old search engine as well) I was wrong. This isn't something that will just go away easily and this isn't something that will ever leave my mind even if I am lucky enough to get pregnant. What if I can't carry to term? I don't know. I don't want to have a rare problem that makes having babies harder than it already is. I don't want this thing I can't control in my life. I feel helpless and unlike myself. Normally I love solving problems and living life to the fullest, but today doesn't feel like that. Life seems intimidating and shrouded by unknown elements invading my space.
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