Spreading the news.

So, I'm not really an announcement kind of girl.  I have a group of close family and friends that I share EVERYTHING with and beyond that, I'm pretty private. Possibly because I can't control people's judgements of me and because if I don't know everything about them, I can't know if I'm somehow offending them in some way.  I'm not really sure.  But back when I was getting married, I had a bridal shower and it was pretty much the most mortifying day of my life.  Just realizing that everyone was there to stare at me. Opening my presents. Watching my reactions. I felt really selfish and it was too much to handle.  I never want to act or say the wrong thing.  It's too much pressure.

That's why it was so very easy for me to keep this pregnancy a secret thus far.  However, this past week we hit our big-deal 12 week mark and it had to be done.  My Dad has been wanting to tell his siblings since we first heard the heartbeat at 6 weeks and my Mom's side of the family is about to see me on Easter Sunday.  The cat had to come out of the bag.  If it didn't, I'd be clinking my fork against a glass at my Grandma's in a couple days and I really didn't want to do that either.  I needed to buck up.  After all, it was only an email.

The first draft was written Monday night but I instantly knew it wasn't any good.  It sounded like a 4th grader had typed it. No emotion. Choppy sentences. Zero flow. I needed to sleep on it. Tuesday, I went back for changes.  In fact I sat there so long on Tuesday that I nearly went crossed eyed and actually had to go lie down from a massive headache brought on by my evil computer screen.  Wednesday, I determined that I had waited long enough!  It would go out Wednesday!  But it had to be perfect. I wanted to touch every-so-slightly on our struggles and then go straight into something so witty and great that everyone could quickly forget my sob story and remember how fun and happy we are about our new little bundle-to-be!  I mean, how do you make something that's such a big deal seem like a big deal without sounding self-centered?  And is a moment of selfishness okay after what we've been through?  But what if someone else was going through some secret struggle too?!

So yeah, it didn't go out Wednesday.  Thursday would have to do.  And FINALLY it did.  I read and reread my carefully constructed 9 and a half sentence email (a single "yay" exclamation counts as half I think), cringed and pressed 'Send'.  Then, I cringed some more, threw my phone in the garbage and went to watch TV in an attempt to forget about the whole thing.  It's true except for the phone part.

After 20 minutes of no responses I began to relax. Sorta. Nobody could think my email was weird, right?  I mean, was it? Did I sound sad instead of happy?  Thankfully, for the sake of my insane brain, a minute later an avalanche of love and happiness flooded our way and I was soooooo relieved.  In my head, I was like, "SEE! That wasn't SO bad!!! Nobody thinks you're an attention starved idiot!"

But I'm still not having a baby shower:) 

My sister made me this while she was in a playroom with her son in Boston.  How talented is she?!  It totally looks like a graphic.

AND this gorgeous bouquet of flowers also arrived yesterday from my family in Florida and I LOVE them!!! 

Full disclosure - I'm not offended by people who have baby showers. They're just not for me...because I'm crazy.
xoxo
L

Pregnancy Brain. The Second Coming...

Definitely just walked out of the shower without rinsing my conditioner out. 

ACK!

I am 12 weeks and 4 days.  Sooo I kind of have a lot further to go without rolling the car off a hill or wearing only my bra to work. Cool. 

12 Weeks! Nuchal Scan...

 12 Weeks, YAYAYAYAYAYAYAY

Feeling: Elated from our very awesome nuchal scan today.  In the entire pregnancy thus far I have not felt as nervous as I did this morning.  Yes, I've felt a lot of things, like the day I felt anxious and slightly dead-inside while going through the bleeding episode at 7 weeks, but I have never felt as if I was about to stand in front of a million of my peers and give a speech like I did today (public speaking is my number one life-nightmare).  

First, I woke up to pee at 4am.  Then, I realized I had just woken up for good. I think my brain knew I was nervous before I did because it wasn't until I was in the hospital's waiting room, waiting to go back that my stomach filled with knots and my head spun clear off my neck and into another dimension.

Lucky for us, our tech was immediately AWESOME.  The immediate part is key for me because I can't handle someone throwing gel on my belly, looking around, doing their thang without at least saying, "There it is!" or "YAY a heartbeat!" or something first.  Anyway, we lucked out and she was great.  She put me at ease, but not before getting to see the little baby thrash around to what must have been some inner belly heavy metal.  I swear he/she was headbanging.  It was crazy!  I actually felt so weirded out at seeing the sharp movements going on within me that I really forced myself to simmer down.  Once I did, the baby did too...calm as a cucumber.  A little wave here, a small kick there, but no more moshing.  Yay! I couldn't have been happier.  It was a morning full of watery tear ducts and laughing nonstop.

The heartbeat was at 176.

The NT measurement was 1.5.

The NT, Trisomy 18 & 13 results were 1:10,000.

More than any other feeling, today I felt lucky.  I know that not everyone sees what we saw and not everybody gets good news.  Luckyluckylucky.

Symptoms: Pants will not button comfortably AT ALL.
Headaches.
Extreme hunger.  And then hating food.  And then eating a ton again.  
Less tired, but exhausted after meals. 
Oh, and my skin is nasty. 

Weight: The scale tells me that I'm holding strong at 3 pounds total weight gain, but my fat face would tell you otherwise. Holy bloat.

What I Miss: Nada. Life is GREAT.

Doctor Appointment: Our next appointment is the 14 week check up.  Two weeks til I hear the little heartbeat again!

Looking Forward To:  Um, everything!  I feel like my poor jailed brain has finally been set free.  I'm allowed to be happy now!  It is my goal to now ENJOY this pregnancy.

xoxo
L

Pregnancy Brain? The first sighting...

So, I went to Whole Foods and MAY have accidentally gotten charged $81 for a box of frozen waffles.  Yes, organic food is expensive.  No, it isn't that expensive. 

Can you believe I DIDN'T EVEN THINK THERE WAS ANYTHING WRONG WITH THIS SITUATION?!  I mean, the whole thing is so ridiculous that I can barely blame the cashier. ANYONE would notice paying 81 dollars too much at the grocery store register besides maybe J.Lo and/or Simon Cowell.

Later when the problem was realized (and yes, I've since had it refunded), even my friend who checked out behind me declared that she noticed the price of my bill being insanely high.  And the lady behind her probably noticed too.  But not me!!! Pregnancy brain may very well be a real thing.

11 Weeks.

To be extra fair to myself, I had also just eaten an italian meal fit for a pregnant queen and was quite honestly about to bust out of my pants.

Belly full of baby...and gnocchi.

Feeling: Excited to be less than a week away from 12 weeks, but nervous to be weaning myself off of progesterone. I had some cramping yesterday, so I've decided that if it persists, I'll probably go back to 2 suppositories until 12 weeks instead of 1 a day.

Symptoms: Stuffy nose (is that a symptom?), a phantom headache, and some fruity cravings pretty much sum up this past week.  Oh and a MAJOR stomach ache last night. My first of the whole pregnancy. Twas crampy and annoying. Hopefully it's my last.

Weight: This past weekend, we went on a road trip from NJ to Kentucky and let me tell you...I LOVED Kentucky, but I couldn't take another day of their sodium and butter drenched food.  It was no surprise that after 5 consecutive days of cheese, salt and butter, I gained another pound.  Eek!  

I am up 3 pounds total.

What I Miss: There was a moment on our trip where I felt a pang in my party girl heart for a pretty fun looking bar in our hotel, but it soon passed.   I didn't want a drink so much as I wanted to hang out there.  But I didn't want to just get a soda and listen to drunk people either, so needless to say, I paid my respect as we walked on by and that was it.

Doctor Appointment: Our next appointment is STILL set for the 25th. It will be our 12 week nuchal at the hospital...and I cannot wait. 

Looking Forward To: The 12 week appointment!  I haven't been feeling much so of course I'd reeeeeally really love to see that we've made it to 12 weeks, especially now that I'm weaning myself off of progesterone.


xoxo
L

10 Weeks.

We are TEN weeks!  Officially entering the fetal period!  How exciting is that?!!!!!  AAAAAHHHH!

There's a baby in there!  Also, nice armpit.

Damn hanger strap. Showing in every picture. I blame the photographer. Thanks for telling me, JEFF!

Giving serious elbow.

Feeling: Worry and impatience for unnecessary ultrasounds (aka reassurance). This week, my goal is to believe in my body and this pregnancy just like they used to in the good old days before the internet filled every expectant mother with fear. 

I asked my Mom how she used to truck along productively without constant fear gripping her (and they didn't even HAVE ultrasounds back then) to which she said, "We didn't know any better then.  We just figured that when you got pregnant, you would most likely have a baby."  Interesting.  So, they didn't get pregnant and then naturally assume that every horrific thing under the sun would happen to them?  Weird!

I need to work on that:)

Symptoms: This week hasn't been bad.  A couple nauseating moments, a handful of headaches, some seriously bad moods, hunger pains after not eating for 2 hours, and a little bit of cramping and twinges. Still no boob pain or vomiting.

Weight: I am up another pound...making it (2) total so far.  It is super noticeable too, as my pants are fitting snugger than a bug in a rug and hate being buttoned.  I am turning into a leggings kinda girl.

What I Miss: Nothing!

Doctor Appointment: Our next appointment is set for the 25th. It will be our 12 week nuchal at the hospital.

Looking Forward To:  Leaving for a mini road trip with 2 of our friends this Thursday and I am so excited!  We just found out yesterday that my girlfriend is also pregnant so the two of us can make the men run around and fetch food for us the whole time! Also I'm really just looking forward to a fun week that will help the time the fly.  


xoxo
L

Eek!

I'm 10 weeks today!!!! And I am SOOOOOOO excited about that little fact. I did NOT think that I could make it to this point, let alone WAIT until this point. I am so impatient, but even more excited and thrilled that it's all really happening!

10 weeks for me feels REAL. Double digits and oh so close to that heavenly 12 week mark!  Our last scan was 9 weeks and our next one is 12 weeks.  For someone who has literally had a reassuring scan every week of this pregnancy, I can't believe I have to wait 3 weeks! And then 6 weeks after that!  A part of me is glad so that the baby isn't exposed to too many additional ultrasounds and I also think spreading them out and putting my faith in this pregnancy (without the constant reassurance) will do us all (baby and crazy brain of mine) a lot of good!

10 week update coming soon!!! YAY!

9 Weeks.

Please excuse my bathroom floor to the right. Oopsie.

Feeling: Like the inside of my head is screaming, "YAY YAY YAY I'm 9 weeks pregnant!" at all times (or until I get a headache and need to lay down). I am soooooo happy to be this far along.  Yesterday was our 9 week appointment with my regular OB (so weird to be treated normal again) and it went great. The baby's heart rate was 180 bpm. Hooray!

Symptoms: The symptoms have definitely kicked it up a notch in the past week and a half.  For instance, I hate, HATE the thought of eating meat. Blegh. I am experiencing at least one throbbing headache a day and I am still moody and tired. SOOOO tired.  Everyday around 1pm my body decides that nothing else will do other than a nice little nap. That's what it wants!  For a girl who never experienced headaches, food aversions, or a lifestyle that wasn't 100 percent hyper, these symptoms are noticeable.  

Weight: I am up (1) total pound so far.  It was 2 pounds, but then the doctor weighed me yesterday and it was only one. Strange!

What I Miss: Regular coffee, regular shampoo and conditioner (I've switched to Burt's Bees for the pregnancy) and exercise.  Since the threatened miscarriage at 7 weeks and a little bit of bleeding at the doctor's office yesterday, I have been advised to take it easy and not exercise.  I never usually exercise that much, but I walk EVERYWHERE. Like miles and miles a week.  So, I definitely miss that.

Looking Forward To: going for long walks again after 12 weeks and my 12 week appointment.

xoxo
L

Progesterone In Oil Shots: My Tips!

As a survivor of well over a million of these oily shots straight to the tookus, I like to think that by the end I kinda had a good thing going.  Not enjoyable per se, but a far cry from where it all began. So, here is what I learned...

1. ALWAYS make sure to switch your needle.  Obviously, you will remember to do this.  OBVIOUSLY.  Because if you don't, you end up using the MASSIVE needle that is created solely to suck the medicine into the syringe to puncture your hiney...and then you will scream out in pain and punch your husband (as soon as he's finished, of course). 

2. Morning shot time.  This is sooooo important and I'll tell you why.  For the first 2 IVF's, I had an 8pm shot time because this worked with our work schedules.  Every night at 8pm I'd get shot, sit on a heating pad, massage the area and walk around for a couple hours before going to sleep.  Every morning, I'd wake up with a numb bum without fail.  During my FET, I took a producing job that required me to work at night, 6pm-10pm.  I was freaking out because my shot time would get messed up!  Aaaaah!  We had no choice but to move it to 7am, right before Jeff left for work...and sometimes a little later on weekends.  Well, what do you know?  No more numb butt!  Moving around for a couple of hours is good, but moving around for an entire day is WAY better in my opinion.

3. Light a candle.  Not only does a good smelling candle go a long way for making the "experience" a pleasant one, but you should also heat the oil up by holding it above the flame for a little while.  This thins out the oil and makes it go in your bum easier.

4. Happy music.  Yes, I've sort of become one of Pavlov's dogs, because now there are 3 songs that completely make me feel like I'm about to get a progesterone shot in my hiney, but that's the price I pay.  Happy music helps for a happy distraction.

5. Ice Pack/Heating Pad.  Ice the injection site until you've been stabbed.  Then apply the heating pad.

6. My lovely lady lumps.  No matter what you do, you will get a few lumps in your butt. It's unavoidable from my experiences.  However, I like to think of these lumps as temporary butt implants. Move over, J.Lo.

7. Chase it with some water.  The longer you do the shots, the more things will happen.  First and foremost, your pregnancy will progress (whoooo!), your butt lumps will develop, and you may or may not feel a little light headed some mornings.  For me, it's happened about 3 times total.  BUT, I've noticed that a glass of water as my companion goes a long way.

xoxo
L