Ouch.

I don't know if my husband is just seriously bad at his task as the injectables injector, but HOLY SMOKES do these things hurt.  Mostly just the Menopur.

My nurse told me that I could mix the Menopur and Follistim together to endure but one injection and originally I thought, "nah! I'll be fine!" but I'm going to ask her to re-explain at my Day 6 appointment tomorrow morning.  Right now, we're not confident enough to do the injections without following the video online (where they don't mix), but I really think one injection would be better than dos.

There is so much to keep track of with IVF. 

I've canceled most nighttime plans this month (that are to take place during our 9:30 injection date) and most early morning obligations (that take place during my 3 million doctor appts), but I still have a wedding to attend this Saturday and it's a state away.  Basically this means that the hubs and I will have to keep the meds cold in the car and hotel AND perform the injection during the reception or way too early or late.  I cannot wait to see how we manage this.  I'm sure it will end either hysterically, painfully, or with someone thinking that we're doing drugs in the bathroom stall. Crap.

Til then!
L

Nostalgia, Injections, and what's to come...

NOSTALGIA:

Once upon a time, I never thought about getting pregnant.  I never fantasized about my belly or a nursery. I never watched other families longingly. Kids always seemed kind of loud and crazy to me and babies were a little too fragile to take a chance holding.  At the time (up until a couple years ago) I just kinda figured it was because I wasn't ready for that phase.  I'm HUGELY into enjoying the phase I'm currently in (infertility phase - not as fun), so that's what I was doing. 

I always knew I wanted kids (before I even knew I wanted a husband) but not to ooh and aww over and not to dress up in frilly dresses.  I wanted to have a child because I really and truly believe in family and unconditional love being 2 HUGE things in my life that make everyday better.  They are what make me strong and I've always wanted to pass that along.  Plus, I love learning/enjoying/living through my family's experiences.  More people = more learning! It always made sense. But I never really fantasized or spoke about it more than say, once a year...and even then it was usually prompted by someone else's wondering. Now looking back, I think...how long ago that all seems. 

Some people miss high school, some people miss college, I miss those days.  The ones before I knew I was kinda broken.

I shouldn't dwell but September always makes me a bit nostalgic. 

INJECTIONS: 

This month, I'm going through with IVF and last night was the first of my injections.  What I've learned:

1. Injections hurt. 

2. My husband is not a nurse and does not quite have a hang of the needle. Just yet.  He's trying, but I hope it gets better soon.

3. I will have a doctor appt almost every day this month (for monitoring).

4. I am becoming increasingly poor with making excuses to miss happy hours and social outings that involve alcohol.

5. I catch myself hoping more and more every day that this works.  And that scares me!

 MY IVF CALENDAR SO FAR:

Blood test/ultrasound - prescribed birth control and thyroid med to help egg quality.
10 days of BC
AF arrives
Cycle Day 3 blood tests and ultrasound to check ovaries, lining, etc.
Day 3 - Begin injections of Menopur & Follistim at night/Husband begins Doxycycline.
Day 6 - followup appointment to check on progress.

On an exciting note, I'm booking a sublet apartment in Manhattan for the entire month of October.  If this doesn't work out, I'm outta here! Just joking. Hubs and I just need to get away and take a month off of this rollercoaster...plus we're having our basement finished and dealing with construction doesn't sound too soothing!

xoxo
L

IVF is not playing around

Yeah...this isn't intimidating at all.

eek!

Claustrophobia + 2hr MRI = Crying & a CT Scan

So much for the last post.  

Fact: I freaked out and did not go through with my MRI today.

Here's how the day went - 

I woke up super early to eat some toast before going on with my day of fasting.  No food for 8 hours before the MRI to ensure clear pictures.  Great.  My sister picked me up along with my adorable 2 year old nephew to take me to the imaging center.  I signed in and pumped myself up. I was so ready.  

Then, I waited. And waited. For an hour. As someone with anxiety...it's never good to wait.

Finally, I was taken back, given a robe and told to wait for the person before me to finish.  It was during that time that things got crazy.  The imaging tech was spouting off a laundry list (including swallowing some liquid?) of what I was about to undergo and I thought, "Wow, that sounds like an awful lot to do."  I told her how I how excited I was to eat after this whole ordeal was finito, to which she laughed (nicely) and replied, "You'll really be excited for that when we're done in a couple hours."

I started to shake.  The machine's noise was already rattling my nerves.  And from where I was sitting (right outside of the MRI room), it looked dark, old and plain scary.  I had figured I'd be in the tube for 30 minutes...not a couple of hours.  To someone with a 'feeling trapped' problem, this was breaking me down.  My mind was spiraling.

I replayed the original conversation with my RE about having either a Renal Ultrasound or MRI to check the "collecting system" for any abnormalities.  She had said "either one would be fine", but handed me a rx for the MRI.  I knew the ultrasound would have been quick and painless, so why was the MRI so different?  By this point I was also on hour 10ish of not eating which did not help. I decided to rush to my locker, grab my phone, and call my doctor.  I explained that I was freaking out, claustrophobic and while they most certainly believed I was an insane person, they helped me come up with an alternate plan of action. 

Long story short, my doctor talked to the head radiologist working at the imaging center and they decided I should move forward with a CT scan.  I would have a 15 minute scan with dye injected through an IV.  FIFTEEN MINUTES.  I know when to take a good deal and did so right away.  

The ct scan was a cinch.  The dye was weird as I totally felt like I was peeing my pants when it went through my body, but it was not bad or painful (other than the needle).  Oh, and it sent a metallic taste into my mouth.  The whole thing was over in 15 minutes.  I was/am SO grateful for such amazing techs/nurses/doctors who were willing to work with me and my psychosis. 

I will most definitely be calling my RE tomorrow to thank her for helping me out today.  It was really the first time during this entire process that I didn't feel like a number or statistic. And it was nice. Really.

~All's well that ends well~
L

Renal MRI - HIYA!

Fact: I am claustrophobic.

Fact: I hate going to the doctor.

Fact: I am so scared of going to this MRI to see if I have any other abnormalities other than my formerly septated (septum?) uterus today!!!

I just hope that it is over with quickly and painlessly.  My main fear is freaking out in the tube and having to try over and over again, while really annoying the imaging techs.  I keep having to remind myself that this is just a minor step in my journey.  A teeny one. Nothing to focus on. 

But, aaaaaah.

xoxo

L

Normal thyroid, but not normal enough.

One day, I will enter casa de infertility and they will tell me some good news.  Or that I'm not even a girl at all.  That would actually really explain some things.

So not only do I need a RENAL ultrasound (sound funny to anyone else?) or MRI to make sure that I have two kidney's, but I also have to start taking thyroid medication.  Something called, levithoeieroiuweroiweur...or something like that.  In the words of my nurse, my thyroid level is fine, but it's just a little bit not perfect and they want me in that 'perfect' place in the event that a baby should set up residence in my belly. It helps against miscarriage as well.

Oh, and the renal ultrasound thing is just because of my septum.  People with septums could have other abnormalities, so yeah.  Good news all around!

I cannot stress enough that my entire life, I wanted to be different.  I LOVE when I feel different or weird.  But this is getting crazy, people.  I would like just a teaspoon of normalcy from now on.  Is that too much to ask?

Onto my BIGGEST MISTAKE EVER (this month):

Drinking with my new meds.  Don't do it.  As someone who hasn't even taken an advil or tylenol for years (other than before my HSG), I am not used to being on medication.  So, as I mentioned before, I planned on having a party night with Auntie Flow's arrival.  I figured I could given the calendar of upcoming events.  Boy...oh boy...was I wrong.  

Wine and thyroid medication do not mix.  At least for me.  Normally, my tolerance is that of an Irish Lordsman or King (or the girl versions).  I can drink with the best of them.  Well, not anymore.  Especially since they want me on this stuff forever and a day.  No more wine for this wanna-be momma!

And don't quote me on the thyroid med being my poison.  Maybe I also ate a bad piece of pasta. Who knows.  All I know is that I ate what I normally eat, took evil medicine, drank chardonnay nay, and vomited all day day.

Sorry if this post was all over the place.  Sometimes I'm just crazy like that.

xxxx

L

Fail.

For some reason, my body just loves not being pregnant. 29 years going strong.

Aunt Flow arrived AGAIN so our first IUI party-in-my-uterus is officially a bust. Had a feeling this would be the case, but hoped otherwise.  Oh well.  Time to move on.  Not completely positive which science project we'll lend our bodies to this month, but I'm sure it'll be something invasive, expensive and crazy.  Weeee. 

Signing off...