Surgery: Hysteroscopy

So, here are the pictures that I was handed moments after my surgery wrapped up.  Yes, I was all sorts of woozy from the anesthesia, but even so, I could see a difference had been made! The top left corner is way different from the bottom right corner. Finally! My uterus was lookin good (for a uterus)!

These pics, although informative, are super graphic. Sorry!

Post-Op Appt (Post Septum Removal)

So, the post-op appointment today went well. Doc did an ultrasound and confirmed that yes, my uterus has been successfully cleared of a septum that seemed to go on and on for days.  It was huge and now it's bare.  All that is left is a tiny heart shaped cleft...which is fine. Doc said most women have this. Phew.

As for everything else, I'm good to very good. The only thing that seems a tad on the high side is my FSH levels which are at a 9.  Hopefully it's just some freak reading from with my Day 3 bloodwork because it does seem insanely high for my age, but regardless...they told me not to worry. So I shan't.  I can just keep it in the back of my mind. Now...

WHAT COMES NEXT?!

After the past 12 months of annoyingness (aka: peeing in cups, peeing on sticks, taking my temperature, charting, downing vinegar and pineapple, etc) yielding nothingness I know that I will not be trying naturally for a while. Yes my septum could have decreased blood flow and made it harder to get pregnant all that time, but I still could have. Yet I didn't.  At the end of the day, I am still an infertile mertile so let's just get 'er done already. Or as my high school cheerleading squad would squawk:  Let's "Be aggressive. B-E Aggressive!" (B-E  A-G-G-R-E-S...ok, ok).  These are my choices:

IUI

IVF

IUI has multiple options attached to it. 

Natural

w/oral meds (clomid, etc)

w/injectibles 

Hmmm...

This is a tough choice.  I wanted to go with IUI for sure before this appointment. It would take up less insurance money and I figured that an IUI with injectibles would give me a great shot.  Plus, Doc semi-confirmed that as far as IUI's go, this would be my best shot. According to her, there was no need to take Clomid as I'd never missed an ovulation.  

However, nothing is ever that simple with me.  Apparently I have a ton of follicles.  This is a problem only because of the injectibles.  They could make me create loads of eggs and follicles and if that happens,  they won't proceed with the IUI to avoid an Octo-Mom outcome. Crikey.  I hate the thought of any month being cancelled.

During this conversation, Doc explained just how the whole process with injectibles works...she even showed me the shot-gun (bang) that I'd have to use.  In a nut shell, it ain't easy.  It's tons of work. Lots of shots. Lots of doctor visits. And not that high of a success rate.  Other than the hormone meds being lower than IVF and no egg retrieval, it sounded just as intense as a round of IVF.

Now, do I go with the plan that has a higher success rate and lower rate of being cancelled?  BUT is slightly more invasive and way more costly? That's the question I'm dealing with.  If I have a ton of follicles and may have to cancel a medicated IUI round, I'll be pissed at wasting time.  After doing this jig for a year, I can't just sit a month out of the game.  Mentally, I just can't.

It seems clear after writing this, to move on with IVF but I'm still not convinced. So many hormones. Ugh.  Fortunately (or unfortunately) I did find out in this meeting that the 10 days of birth control I was on for my surgery restarted my clock.  This means that I can't move forward with a medicated IUI or IVF this month anyway, so I guess I have some time to think about it.  

Hopefully everything becomes a little clearer in the next day or so. 

til then...

L

Not a T shape.

So, as luck (and I do mean that) would have it, I am not a T-shaper.  Nope.  What I was...was misdiagnosed.  Doctors apparently do that from time to time.  However, my alleged "T-shaped" uterus was in fact not shaped like a T at all. Not even a little bit.  Upon switching infertility clinics, switching doctors and having every new doctor and their mother up in my business for days and days on end, a 3D ultrasound revealed "a very large septum." Whaaaaaat?!

Dare I say...yay?

For next time, the answer is "No" (unless in my head). Because upon saying that I was "actually really excited to hear that" my new and emotionally ridiculous doctor went on to stare in disbelief and say, "I wouldn't say it's exciting to have a septum"

Thanks dummy.

I mean, I know I'm still infertile. I know my uterus is crazy-pants and wants to be all sorts of things other than a baby-carrying uterus.  I knooooow.  However, I'm excited.  Double-however, this particular dummy is actually a very smart man in the medical field who also just gave me the most exciting news of my infertile life, so upon ushering me out of his office, I did not shout, "I AM EXCITED, WHETHER YOU LIKE IT OR NOT!" at the top of my lungs. I did not.

Instead, I made an appointment for my first surgery ever and GOT PUMPED!  After 12 months of zero double-lineness and a sorta awful doctor originally telling me that my uterus was trying to emulate the first letter of my last name, I was (and am currently) really really excited to be able to do something about my state of no-babyness.  Sure, surgery sounds awful, but it's better than peeing on sticks and crying all day. Right?

Right!

Well, surgery was last Wednesday and I am officially in the 'healing' phase...which is extremely easy and really just involves wearing lots of hugely uncomfortable diaper pads to soak up the large quantities of guts pouring out of me every minute.  Just joking! Kind of.

The doctor performing said surgery seems to think that everything went really well, as he was able to clear out all the way to the right and left fallopian tubes. They were also able to take some insanely clear pictures in there, so I will update the blog later with them. 

My post-op appointment is next Monday, the 30th. Yay!!!

Hi Stranger. Can I tell you about my fertility problems? Thanks!

The hubs and I have decided that I'm using strangers as free therapy.

Here's how it goes:

First, I word vomit my problems onto said stranger/not-close friend moments after they've asked the ever-present, "When are you going to have kids?" question.  I am usually able to keep my answer brief, mainly going on to say something to the effect of, "if only it were that easy..." or "I actually have a problem with my uterus, so hopefully when that get's all cleared up" or "When am I going to have kids? WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO HAVE KIDS?!" (I wish.)  Obviously my answers, no matter how brief, are not what this person was hoping for.  Where are the roses and rainbows?!

Instantly upon unleashing my sad infertility tale, I feel so much better. Something about releasing my thoughts without any annoying outcome (constant follow-up questions in days/weeks to come...aka-seeing this person again) just feels good.  It really has the potential to be an awesome way of coping and hey, at least I'm not hiding the whole 'problems with fertility' thing.  I'm spreading the word!

Now, don't get me wrong. I don't hate everyone that's like, "We were barely even trying!" or "Oops, we had a baby!" but I don't think it's fair that SO many peeps think spawning a life is easy peasy.  It's not. I have a magnitude of BFN's to prove it.

So there you have it. Nosy strangers = free therapy = no repercussions = awesome.

~L

Sad Music.

I'm definitely a person that likes a sad song when I feel sad.  Lyrics have a great healing power for me. It's like having a conversation with someone who completely understands without actually having to talk.

This song is perfect:

Coldplay - Fix You.

However, make sure to follow up with this:

FUN - We Are Young.

xoxo
L

BFN

Big. Fat. Negative.

I hate BFN's. I hate having to see so many of them, I hate the whole process before inevitably seeing one, and I hate how I feel after seeing one.  In one way, it's great to have confirmation that you can have a cup of coffee or a glass of wine, but in another it's just a Big. Fat. Disappointment.

Today was another BFN day and I can't help but be sad (even if I do have a Terribly shaped uterus to make pregnancy even more awesome when it comes).  I guess I just hoped that this month would be different because I'd had my HSG.  They're supposedly great at flushing people out and I figured that was probably all my uterus needed.  A good cleaning.

During this whole journey, I've felt so many things.  For the first 3 months, I felt 100 percent a-okay with my BFN status.  Really.  I figured I needed more time to mentally prepare anyway.  Plus, I was never a straight-A student or perfectionist.  Most good things in my life have come as the result of hard work.  So, that's how I intended to go about this.  Easier said than done.  

After my 4th and 5th lonesome pink line, the BFN's started to eat away at me a little more.  I felt/feel in denial a lot.  Like the tests may be broken or that maybe I'm going to be that person who gets their aunt flow for 2 months, along with maintaining my BFN-ness, but are STILL pregnant somehow.  Welcome to my fantasy land.

Honestly though, as I sit here typing this I still feel so hopeful for everything to work out perfectly.  Every month, I still feel like THIS is the month.  I think of a million reasons why the next month is even better than the last.  So I guess today's depression will pass as it always does.  Especially since next month is it.  Right?

xoxo

Torn

I feel torn today.

Yes, I just recently found out that I have a problem with my uterus.  Yes, it's T-shaped and not the best shape for holding a baby to term.   Yes, I will now always worry if I am even lucky enough to get pregnant.  Will I even be lucky enough to get pregnant?

I have a very small close group of girlfriends that I've scooped through every phase of my life.  I tell them everything.  However, when I envisioned started a family, I never envisioned this.  I figured that I would pee on a stick, see a big fat positive sign, jump up and down and call every close friend and immediate family member.  I always knew that I would tell them right away because if anything went wrong, I didn't want to share 2 pieces of news.  I wanted them to be on the ride with me, just as I would want to be with them.

However, now that I know this information about my risky uterus, I'm nervous.  Do I tell my friends?  What if it's for nothing?  What if I'm making a deal out of no deal? 

But then again...how will I explain how cautious and worried I'll be to be pregnant?  They won't understand why I'm not jumping up and down.  I don't know.  I just feel so out of control on this whole trying to conceiving journey.  First, I thought it would be pie, then I thought getting pregnant would be the hard part, and now I have to worry even then.