When I was going through infertility, I felt relief over hearing that I had a uterine septum which made getting pregnant impossible. That was why! And going through 2 cycles of IVF and a frozen embryo transfer resulting in my first pregnancy, I had a lot of answers for everything. It was all very scientific. But this time around was SO very different.
It was almost December and I thought "Why not try to get pregnant?" I mean there is no way it would happen and I could regret not trying. What if my septum grew back? I figured there was maybe a 4 percent chance of it happening since it took ages last time.
Well, we got pregnant.
Truth be told, I was excited but it felt sooo weird. We barely tried. Two little kids?! Newborns are hard. They would be 22 months apart. I began to feel overwhelmed and it felt like my heart was going to jump out of my throat.
Turns out, that was my thyroid.
I had the thyroid issue with Piper, too so I knew to get to the doctor. I knew I needed meds and was put on synthroid. Along with my thyroid levels, they checked my blood and all was good. My beta was 125. Four days later, it was 750.
I had my first ultrasound at 6 weeks, 1 day. We only saw the gestational sac and yolk sac that day and were told to come in a week. Obviously, we did just that. A week later (7w 1 d), my beta was 14,000 and at the ultrasound we found the baby in there, flickering. It was the relief of the century. My entire body felt calmer. However, the baby measured 6 weeks. It was small so I was told to come back at 8 weeks. All I could think was, "Great. Another week of torture."
During this time, my thyroid level jumped to 4.5. For those that don't know...this is bad. It should be under 2.5. With Piper, I had been 4.7 unmedicated at 5 weeks. Normally, they wouldn't even test at this time in a pregnancy, but infertility clinics do. Thank God. This time, even on the same dosage, my numbers were going up and so the Doctor raised my prescription.
At 8 weeks 1 day, the baby was still there but this time it was only measuring 6w4days. It hadn't grown the 7 days worth but the heartbeat was 135. Obviously I panicked, but I figured out lots of excuses in my head (I'm good like that) to make it all better.
At 8 weeks 4 days, I started spotting and even though this happened with Piper, I knew it was bad. I ran to the doctor who showed me the heartbeat. I felt silly about going to the doctor so quickly but couldn't help feeling the impending doom. That night, I was overcome with nausea. I have never had morning sickness, so I figured that's what it was. I have never felt so sick. I vomited twice, before falling into the most restless sleep.
The next morning, at 8 weeks 5 days, the bleeding started again. I was having a miscarriage and it was gruesome. My inlaws had just flown into NJ from Washington State. They were downstairs enjoying a pancake breakfast while I tried to hold it together upstairs as I miscarried the baby. It was such a horrific ordeal because you can't stop it. The clots and the blood just come and there is nothing to do but wait for a brief interval...enough to get in the car and go to the doctor...which I did. I ended up having a lot of the miscarriage there actually. I was dilated. On the same ultrasound machine that showed my baby's flickering heart a day earlier, the doctor showed me a uterus dark with blood.
That was it.
Lucky for me, other than being in a terrible mood every now and then, I feel okay. My HCG dropped within 5 weeks and everything seems to have evened out. I've even started to come to terms with the fact that all of my plans I made while pregnant, won't happen.
What could've been, will not.
Xoxo
L
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| Gestational sac. |
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| Our last picture. Heartbeat 135bpm |
