Dear....you.

Dear future child of mine, who has yet to show any sort of enthusiasm in being born,

When you think of your dear old mom and dad, can you spare me one favor?  

PLEASE.  Do not think of me being injected with copious amounts of medication.  Do not think of me laying on a doctor table every other day for months on end.  Do not think of me crying or spacing out, wishing for you.  Do not think of me as an IUI, IVF, Septum surgery, pee on a stick junky. 

Instead, PLEASE think of me and your pops like this:

drunk.

taking shots at the shore house with your Uncle and Grandma.

saving turtles from the middle of the road.

not knowing how to hold your cousin, Ben. but hoping he loves me anyway.

laughing at baby showers.

laughing.

not even knowing what to do with a boo boo bunny.

Getting our faces painted at SeaWorld after 3 BudLight Limes too many.

hiding under a box with some wine.

traveling. all over.

San Diego!

Italia

Roma!

Venice

Mallorca, Spain

Santa Monica, CA

Skiing...somewhere

18 day cross country RV trip!

And please think of us with your furry older brother.  Because he is awesome.

PLEASE, think of us in this way, because honestly...other than this slight hiatus (i hope!) of infertility-dom...this is who we are. 

xoxo
L

Day 1!

Yay, it's officially Day 1!  

I feel weird being so excited about moving forward with this cycle of IVF, but I totally am. Even though every month has been a dissapointment thus far, I can't help but feel good about moving forward THIS time.  Everything about this whole process just DRAGS sometimes.  Waiting for this, waiting for that. Getting your period, starting birth control, starting Lupron, then getting your period AGAIN...before you even get to Day 1.  It's a lot for one girl to handle.  And now, I at least know my tentative dates for the whole cycle, which is a relief.  I go in on Monday morning (before catching a 7:30am train to work, blegh) for Day 3 b/w & u/s and then, hopefully begin with all of my million injections. 

Also, I've been on Lupron for 7 days now (tonight will be my 8th) and I have to say that it isn't as bad as I thought it would be initally.  It's not great.  It definitely causes headaches, which my RE forewarned me about, (and MAJOR hunger pangs) but all of the loopy, tired weird side effects have been pretty manageable. AKA: I haven't been comitted.

xoxo
L

Loopy Lupron

Today will be day 3 of Lupron injections and I cannot believe how weird this drug is.  I wake up feeling SOOOOO tired.  And I was in a wedding on Saturday, which usually makes me anxious and hyper and scared and the complete opposite of tired, but I was a total droop ball.  It was crazy.

Oh, and then I cried out of nowhere which has actually never happened to me.  So that was a new one.  Not looking forward to the next couple weeks of this stuff if this is just the beginning!

I'll make sure to update on my side effects...as long as I don't get committed to the looney bin before that!

Our Christmas Card: Round 4

It has just occurred to me that I will be sending an eerily similar Christmas card this year to the one we sent last year. And the year before. Oh, and the year before that.  Here we go again, people! Just me, my husband and our dog!

That's not depressing.

Honestly, I don't really want to complain because if anything happens to our mangy mutt (or my mangy husband), I will straight up go ape-shit on someone's ass, but still.  I feel the symbolism.  There will be no baby. No family expansion represented.  And once again, that would be really really fine if we didn't want it. 

So badly.

I really love the holidays, I do.  I hope that I always will, even at times like this when hopelessness wins over positivity and sadness for lack of knowing lingers. I can't control a lot of things, but I can control some things.  The holidays will arrive whether I'm ready for them or not and I can choose to enjoy them differently than I ever have before.  I can focus my time doing things that MATTER.  Hurricane Sandy killed the holidays for a lot of people all around me, so I think I'll focus on that and volunteer.  Turkey, anyone? 

xoxo
L

Here we go again...

It's officially happening!  We're doing it again!

The pharmacy called to confirm all of my meds that will be shipped shortly and I have to say, I'm pretty excited.  Of course in 3 weeks, I'll probably be pacing the finish off of our wood floors, but for now, I can't help but think, THIS IS IT!!!!  God, I hope so.

Here we go again,
L

Oh and BTW, my cysts weren't that serious. THANK GOODNESS.  Apparently, they are just little trickster ninja's that make people feel pregnant and delay periods, which to an infertile girl is pretty heartless.  Bastards.

A Cyst. Seriously?!

So, as I previously wrote, the hubs and I decided to run for the hills after our botched IVF attempt.  We left our cozy home, fled to NYC and enjoyed a month of easy peasy commuting, friends, comedy clubs, happy hours and good food.  It was a unique time in our lives.  Something I don't see us doing for quite this long ever again.  It was our month off. Our month of "happy."

And it was...but as you know, wanting a child isn't something that can just go away for a month.  The thought is always there. Waiting in the wings. Waiting for attention.

So, here is a a little background about my cycles. They're near exact everytime.  Day 17 to day 19 = ovulate.  Luteal phase - 10 to 11 days long.  Every time. 

This month we (I) decided to try the SMEP method (google it, it's easy).  At this stage in the game, there was no way I'd just throw a month in the garbage and I figured doing more than the every-other-day thing would be better for us considering the morphology problem we've faced in the past.  Why not?!  I used ovulation predictors and we were on our way. 

My ovulation was a bit on the late side, at cycle day 19, but we were prepared.  Onward, we went.  Finally we had successfully completed and graduated with our SMEP certificate of achievment.  All that was left to do was wait for 11 days.  Of course they slowly but surely crept up and through squinted eyes and clenched fists, I realized that nothing was happening. No cramping, no soreness in my chest, no backaches.  No period.  I could not believe it.  Then, I started to feel fatigued. I tasted metal under my tongue.  Aches in my back.  And twinges began to nip at the inside of my stomach.  Could it be?

I secretly tested at 1 day past my missed period and quickly received the ever-present single line.  Another BFN. I could handle it.  I always do.  Except that this time...I really felt off...and it wasn't my imagination.  I tested every day for 5 days, until I finally called the nurse at my Infertility palace. My luteal phase is never off. She knew this was weird. We set up an appt for today.  Blood test and ultrasound.  The usual.

Well, guess what?  I was right.  I am "off" and I am late.  It was not my imagination. But this equation does not always equal a baby apparently.  I should have known...

Take one guess as to who has yet another roadblock standing between herself and a second cycle of IVF. 

I'll give you a hint: she has a blog.

Turns out that I have generated multiple luteal cysts.  MULTIPLE. From one single cycle of IVF.  I hate to complain. Especially at a time where my parents are worried about losing their home to Hurricane Sandy, all four of us are living under 1 roof with no power and countless people lost so much more.  But I can't help but feel sad.  Again. 

Like all things...this too shall pass.
L