BFN

Big. Fat. Negative.

I hate BFN's. I hate having to see so many of them, I hate the whole process before inevitably seeing one, and I hate how I feel after seeing one.  In one way, it's great to have confirmation that you can have a cup of coffee or a glass of wine, but in another it's just a Big. Fat. Disappointment.

Today was another BFN day and I can't help but be sad (even if I do have a Terribly shaped uterus to make pregnancy even more awesome when it comes).  I guess I just hoped that this month would be different because I'd had my HSG.  They're supposedly great at flushing people out and I figured that was probably all my uterus needed.  A good cleaning.

During this whole journey, I've felt so many things.  For the first 3 months, I felt 100 percent a-okay with my BFN status.  Really.  I figured I needed more time to mentally prepare anyway.  Plus, I was never a straight-A student or perfectionist.  Most good things in my life have come as the result of hard work.  So, that's how I intended to go about this.  Easier said than done.  

After my 4th and 5th lonesome pink line, the BFN's started to eat away at me a little more.  I felt/feel in denial a lot.  Like the tests may be broken or that maybe I'm going to be that person who gets their aunt flow for 2 months, along with maintaining my BFN-ness, but are STILL pregnant somehow.  Welcome to my fantasy land.

Honestly though, as I sit here typing this I still feel so hopeful for everything to work out perfectly.  Every month, I still feel like THIS is the month.  I think of a million reasons why the next month is even better than the last.  So I guess today's depression will pass as it always does.  Especially since next month is it.  Right?

xoxo

Torn

I feel torn today.

Yes, I just recently found out that I have a problem with my uterus.  Yes, it's T-shaped and not the best shape for holding a baby to term.   Yes, I will now always worry if I am even lucky enough to get pregnant.  Will I even be lucky enough to get pregnant?

I have a very small close group of girlfriends that I've scooped through every phase of my life.  I tell them everything.  However, when I envisioned started a family, I never envisioned this.  I figured that I would pee on a stick, see a big fat positive sign, jump up and down and call every close friend and immediate family member.  I always knew that I would tell them right away because if anything went wrong, I didn't want to share 2 pieces of news.  I wanted them to be on the ride with me, just as I would want to be with them.

However, now that I know this information about my risky uterus, I'm nervous.  Do I tell my friends?  What if it's for nothing?  What if I'm making a deal out of no deal? 

But then again...how will I explain how cautious and worried I'll be to be pregnant?  They won't understand why I'm not jumping up and down.  I don't know.  I just feel so out of control on this whole trying to conceiving journey.  First, I thought it would be pie, then I thought getting pregnant would be the hard part, and now I have to worry even then. 

Results

Okay, so I've been waiting on my results for a few days now and it's been pretty unbearable.  Sleeping was difficult without constant visions and thoughts of what I should do/could do/must do in order to make this T-shaped prognosis seem less bad. 


Well, this morning I decided to sleep in.  The office of my doctor opens at 9am and I figured why not?  My phone rang at 7am...and I missed it.  Go figure.  


After many phone calls back and forth, I was able to speak to my doctor and receive a copy of my test results.  She exclaimed how rare this "anomaly" was, but also put my mind at ease.  Since I haven't been pregnant yet, there is nothing really to fear.  Right now I just have to focus on the first hurdle and not the ones that "may" come after.  

The rest of my tests (ultrasound/Sonohysterogram) looked good.  No blocked fallopian tubes or anything.  So at last, I feel good.  

I'll keep moving forward as I am and not worry about what might be.  Now, it's time for the hubby and I to take a well-needed long weekend down the shore.  

Patience...

Patience is a virtue because waiting completely and totally sucks.

I've called both my doctor and the fertility institute to see about my test results (HSG, Sonohysterogram, pelvic u/s) and they said it could be up to 72 hours.  I reeeeally hope it doesn't take that long.  One link that has been helpful so far today was:  

http://community.babycenter.com/post/a2733115/t_shaped_uterus

It is literally the only thing on the web that hasn't been completely all doomsday-ish.  Phew!

T Shaped Uterus

I've always kept a diary.  Always.  A diary girl for life.  Which is why it's weird right now to be typing.  And candidly.

One thing I've learned about myself in the last 23 years of diary-keeping, is that I am a control freak.  I find comfort in knowing the outcome of conversations and have been known (more-so in my earlier years) to replay a moment 10 too many times if things went a way other than the one I'd previously hoped for.  What I can say about my "control problem" is that I always try to fix it.  I allow myself to act spontaneously (which is helped by my impatience and ADD problems...but that's for another day) but mostly I've learned to REALLY learn from others' mistakes. Sure, this meant I wouldn't be dating in high school (a condition that deemed me as "shady" since no adolescent in their right mind would skip such an emotionally insane stage of life) but to me it's all about moving forward positively, making as few mistakes as possible by actually really learning from what others have been through.  It's worked quite swimmingly in most every phase of my life, I must say.

Except for today.

Today I learned what it was like to feel very out of control.  I learned that no matter how much I learned from others, their history, some things can't be prevented.  

I have T-shaped uterus.

Here's some background:

My husband and I have been trying for 8 months to expand our family (bc us and our dog constitutes as a family already, right? Right!).  We've been trying and I've actually been pretty relaxed. I feel that some people rush into parenthood and then spend years running around saying things like, "I wish we even had a social life," or "I can't do this" or "I can't do that because of the kids," and I didn't ever want to feel or act that way.  However, around the 5 month mark, (just to be on the safe side) I went for some harmless testing.  My doc took loads of blood and I waited patiently for the results.  They were stellar!  I felt very good about hearing the news and decided to keep trying naturally.  

Two more months went by and I decided to tell my doctor about some slight pain I've been feeling and ignoring for months in my ovaries.  She didn't bother with the normal, "I'm sure you're fine!" hubbub that I always hate and instead suggested I get an HSG and pelvic ultrasound in addition to having the hubs' "stuff" checked out (I can't be the only one doing things here).  Immediately, I made the appointment, waited a week, and canceled it.  Do not google "HSG" if you want to feel good about things. Ouch.  Hubs didn't take my cue however, went to his appt and came back with A-mazing results.  We were clearly fine!  Another month went by unsuccessfully and I decided to move forward with booking and actually attending the appointment.  That was this morning.

I still don't know everything gathered from my HSG, pelvic ultrasound, and Sonohysterogram, but I do know that they pulled me into a room to explain that I have a T-shaped uterus.  And I know that hearing, "It will be harder for you to conceive naturally and especially hard to carry a baby to full term" hurt more than the HSG and Sonohysterogram put together. "And you will likely experience multiple miscarriages, if you are lucky enough to conceive."

Those were her words.

My mind raced immediately, thinking of how I could fix this problem.  There has to be a million people with positive things to say! Right?  (Along with not googling 'HSG', you may want to leave "T-shaped uterus" out of the old search engine as well)  I was wrong.  This isn't something that will just go away easily and this isn't something that will ever leave my mind even if I am lucky enough to get pregnant.  What if I can't carry to term?  I don't know.  I don't want to have a rare problem that makes having babies harder than it already is.  I don't want this thing I can't control in my life.  I feel helpless and unlike myself.  Normally I love solving problems and living life to the fullest, but today doesn't feel like that.  Life seems intimidating and shrouded by unknown elements invading my space.

Hopefully speaking with my doctor tomorrow will help.  I just want my options.  I'm hopeful.