BFN

Big. Fat. Negative.

I hate BFN's. I hate having to see so many of them, I hate the whole process before inevitably seeing one, and I hate how I feel after seeing one.  In one way, it's great to have confirmation that you can have a cup of coffee or a glass of wine, but in another it's just a Big. Fat. Disappointment.

Today was another BFN day and I can't help but be sad (even if I do have a Terribly shaped uterus to make pregnancy even more awesome when it comes).  I guess I just hoped that this month would be different because I'd had my HSG.  They're supposedly great at flushing people out and I figured that was probably all my uterus needed.  A good cleaning.

During this whole journey, I've felt so many things.  For the first 3 months, I felt 100 percent a-okay with my BFN status.  Really.  I figured I needed more time to mentally prepare anyway.  Plus, I was never a straight-A student or perfectionist.  Most good things in my life have come as the result of hard work.  So, that's how I intended to go about this.  Easier said than done.  

After my 4th and 5th lonesome pink line, the BFN's started to eat away at me a little more.  I felt/feel in denial a lot.  Like the tests may be broken or that maybe I'm going to be that person who gets their aunt flow for 2 months, along with maintaining my BFN-ness, but are STILL pregnant somehow.  Welcome to my fantasy land.

Honestly though, as I sit here typing this I still feel so hopeful for everything to work out perfectly.  Every month, I still feel like THIS is the month.  I think of a million reasons why the next month is even better than the last.  So I guess today's depression will pass as it always does.  Especially since next month is it.  Right?

xoxo