A Glimmer.

I've always been a very positive person.  If there is at least a glimmer of hope, my brain defaults into thinking that happiness and goodness is winning out over sadness and badness. As a child, I was deliriously happy,which in adolescence turned to cautiously happy with a touch of realism and I think I've stayed that way ever since.  I like to think happy thoughts. Finding a way to think them, even when the most obvious emotion to feel is a negative one.  My brain is persistent.  It wants what it wants. And it wants to be happy.  Eternally so.  However, infertility is not a jolly prognosis.  It is the thing that keeps my brain searching, reaching, thinking thinking thinking.  Thinking that if we try hard enough, fight hard enough, want this bad enough...we will succeed. 

After my egg transfer was canceled, I broke down for the first time in a long time.  Like really broke down.  I've been quiet after bad news before.  I've teared up after dashed dreams.  But I've never fully broken down.  My stomach was filled with poison gnawing at me and I couldn't release tears and sobs fast enough.  I was mad.  SO mad. So pissed. So defeated. I couldn't believe that all of our work.  Everything we had gone through.  It was for nothing.  Nothing.  19 eggs = 2 morulas and an almost blastocyst.  The transfer was canceled. There would be no baby.

Then, I was told that the lab would call with results of the final 3 eggs. Would they make it to freeze?  My nurse sounded doubtful.  Especially of the 2 morulas.  It didn't look promising.  Well, I didn't receive a call.  An entire weekend passed and I did not hear a thing.  Parts of my brain continued to think that we just needed to try IVF again.  We just had to give it another shot.  Try harder. Be better.  But then reality would hit me.  It completely did NOT work this time.  Could we go through this disappointment again? And again? When the hubs said that he didn't want to see us go through the sadness another time, it was the first sign of defeat I'd ever seen in him.  When he said that he thinks we can be happy without children, I couldn't argue with him.  I could see that his brain was finally concluding that we may never succeed.  He had lost hope in the process. It was over.

I was expecting a call from the doctor on Monday morning to discuss the cycle and my next steps.  She, unlike the weekend lab people, actually did call when she was promised to.  Thank God.  She said things like, "you responded well" and "nice follicles" and "estrogen up to 3500."  I listened, writing her words feverishly until she also said, "And you can always do an FET cycle with just the one embryo if you don't want to do another fresh IVF right away."  

huh?

I literally could not put the breaks on the conversation quick enough.  Rewind, please! What do you mean FET? What do you mean 'embryo'? Where was my weekend call from the lab?! What the hell was going on?!

My heart soared. My glimmer of hope was happening.

Yes, I'd been overlooked for an extremely deserved phonecall, but it didn't matter.  I had 1 blastocyst make it to freeze.  1 beautiful little overachiever with the cell count of 8 and the grade of 6 BB.  We had done it and it was perfect. 

I will take this as my sign that something can come of this. I will take from it what I can.  I needed to feel hopeful. I needed to share good news with my husband.  I needed to shout it from the rooftops!  Something good will happen.  IVF didn't completely fail me! THANK HEAVENS.  Now, will I jump into a FET with only one embryo when it could possibly die before it's even thawed?  Probably not.  But it's there.  If I wanted to, I could.  And though I still feel sad about the outcome of my cycle, I also think that our one embryo has given us renewed hope.

I think it's important to hang onto any positivity I can find at this point.  So that's what I intend to do :)

xoxo
L

Nothing.

I feel pretty dead inside right now.  I've already cried more than I have in the past 12 months put together and now I'm just existing.  Feeling numb.  Tired.  Tomorrow should have been my transfer, but it has been canceled.  IVF should have resulted in a baby this month, but it won't.  I should have healthy eggs since I'm not even 30 yet, but it doesn't seem to be that way.  Out of the 19 eggs retrieved, 16 have arrested, 2 are morulas (which they believe will not make it to freeze) and one is 'almost' a blastocyst.

I'm 29. Why?  

If the almost blasto can make it to freeze, it will be freezed tomorrow. I hope it makes it, but nothing sounds promising at the moment.  All that work.  All that money.  Over.  I can't believe it.

I'm not sure what the next step will be for us. I think that we will still escape our troubles for the month of October and work/live in the city.  Maybe we can do another IVF cycle in November to get better eggs.  Maybe.  

This is so tiring. I'm tired. 

I've been calm...

but I'm slowly starting to lose it. 

For the past 7.5 years, I've had anxiety.  Some years were really bad, but recently I've gotten it under wraps.  The source of my panic usually lies in a very specific problem.  I have IBS. I like to know that I can go to the bathroom at any moment, should I happen to be overwhelmed with a sudden stomach ache.  From this fear, grew my anxiety.  It hit me in an instant during my college graduation (yes I did run off of the field during the president's speech) when I was sure I was merely having a heart attack, and has been with me ever since.  

Oddly enough, since struggling with infertility, I have been extremely calm.  At first I was sure I'd get pregnant "any day now."  Then, I was diagnosed with a T-shaped uterus.  The three months living with that misdiagnosis were the worst.  I wasn't anxious though, I was sad.  Then, I was finally told by a much more capable clinic that I had been misdiagnosed.  I had a septum in my uterus which could be removed with surgery.  From there, surgery, repair, an unsuccessful IUI and now IVF.  All back to back.  

In all of that time, the only anxiety that I experienced was minor and occurred while sitting on the hospital bed waiting to be wheeled into surgery and while I sat in the waiting room, waiting for my named to be called countless times.  And even then I'd have some anxiety in the doctor's room, waiting for the doctor.  I wasn't even scared by what the doctor would say or find. I was scared I'd have to go to the bathroom. A few times, I did actually run out of the room to use the facilities really quick. But that was it. All stomach related.

This is why I'm a little uneasy with how I feel now.  Anxious. But not over my stomach.  Will this work? I don't know...

Nobody knows.  I hate that.

So many shots, so many visits to the doctor, so many restrictions, so many lies to my friends and family about not being able to make plans because of my injection and doctor schedule.  10 days of the pill, 23 injections (so far...13 more progesterone to go), 5 pills a day, countless blood and ultrasounds.  I'm scared.  I'm invested.  I'm attached. And terrified by how it may end.

xo
L

Update: 7 eggies

I received the call from my nurse to say that out of the 19 eggs retrieved, 7 were fertilized. 

Why was I hoping for more?!  Why is there no insurance in the business of making babies?

Fingers, toes and dog's paws shall remain crossed until Friday.
L

It's okay to laugh.

If I had to sum this month up in one word, it would be: OUCH.  Sooooo many needles.  I sometimes wonder if my right arm (left arm's vein is never able to be found - sneaky) will ever heal or if people think I have a slight heroin addiction.  My abdomen under my belly has little prick marks in it along with a couple small yellow bruises and my back has two permanent marker circles drawn on it so that I know where to inject my progesterone tonight through the pregnancy test.  

But, I have to say...this made me laugh:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1dwMW_iNkz0

Not the biggest Kardashian fan, but a HUGE fan of anyone going public with anything having to do with fertility (Kim is freezing her eggs). And plus, this is kind of hilarious.  On the hubs' worst day, he was never that bad!

Enjoy!
L

Egg Retrieval Sunday Funday!

Who wears this shirt on their way to an IVF egg retrieval appointment?

The hubs, that's who!

So, the retrieval went well.  19 eggs retrieved. 

Here's how it all went down:

Sign papers.
Dress in beautiful hospital gown complete with hairnet, booties, and robe.
Thumb war with the hubs. I win.
Prep for IV.
Stab left arm to no avail.
Switch to right arm. IV success.
Talk to doctor. 
Walk with Anesthesiologist (aka- my BFF) to Operating Room. 
Lay on weird table with oxygen.
Say my name and last four digits of social security number.
Pass out.

-20 minutes later

Wake up with heating pad on stomach.
Say a few weird things that make little sense.
Eat cookie and drink apple juice.
Go to the rest room.  
Get dressed.
Leave.
Drive straight to Panera for broccoli/cheddar soup.

DONE.

The biggest blessing of the day was the anesthesia.  I mean, putting me on a bed similar to a massage table...only with my butt placed in the hole a face should go in was weird.  And from there, it only got weirder.  The lack of privacy was enough to pass out on my own without the gas or IV or whatever they gave me, but thankfully it didn't come to that.  I have always been a super-prude, so the position in which I was told to lay was NOT ideal but, it is what it is.  I do my part, they do theirs.  

Positive thoughts!

Sharps Container = Full.

I never thought I'd see the day.  I mean, this sharps container thing is full.  Full of empty vials and used up needles...which ultimately means that my body is full of lots of crazy medicines and needle holes.  Eek. We actually asked for another container the other day because we were getting worried that the shots would never end.  And actually we were kind of right since I just found out today after my retrieval that I have to do a progesterone shot every night starting tomorrow and continuing through the next 14 days.

Awesome.

And we have lift off!

So, on Tuesday I had 3 follicles. 

Today (2 days later)...I have 22!!!!!!!!!!  In the words of my nurse, "You have really taken off!"

She told me to get home asap and take the ganirelix shot to stop premature ovulation.  I have another appointment tomorrow morning even though I had one today, so I think things are starting to speed up. I really hope this isn't a mistake because I'm really excited for some forward movement. Fingers crossed!

xoxo
L

You know what's weird?

Listening to this:

WHISTLE - FLO RIDA

...while being injected with Menopur and Follistim.

Bikini's, the ocean, Flo Rida, and needles in my stomach!  I can't help but notice that me and the models in that video are living very different lives at the moment. 

xoxo
L

MY IVF CALENDAR, holler.

Have I ever mentioned how much I love making lists?  Lists make everything more fun, so here's my IVF callie with the dates of everything as I go along:

Blood test/ultrasound - prescribed birth control and thyroid med to help egg quality.
10 days of BC

9/2/12 - AF arrives

9/4/12 - Cycle Day 3 blood tests and ultrasound to check ovaries, lining, etc.

Day 3 - Begin injections of Menopur & Follistim at night/Husband begins Doxycycline.

9/7/12- Day 6 - followup appointment to check on progress.


9/9/12- Day 8 - 30 small eggs less than ten
Day 9 - belly starts to feel tender

9/11/12 - Day 10 - 3 follicles (my nurse said that my ovaries have "woken up." Crazy sleeping ovaries), around 25 less than 10.  Doctor says no retrieval this weekend (it's only Tuesday) and I guess you can say I'm a bit bummed about that.  Oh well. Time will fly. It always does! 

9/13/12- Day 12 - 22 follicles!!! Take a ganirlex shot asap and continue with meds.  Apparently I'll be triggering soon. Yay. 

9/14/12 - Day 13 - Trigger with 2 Ovidrel shots back to back.

9/16/12 - Day 15 - Egg retrieval = 19 eggs.

9/17/12 - 7 eggs fertilized

9/21/12 - Cycle CANCELED. 2 Morulas and 1 almost blastocyst. Not enough for a transfer.

Updated to add: The almost blast did become a dynamite 6BB blastocyst...just a day too late. Had to be frozen since my clinic will only transfer blasts.

Wedding Receptions and Medicine Injections

So, a college friend of mine got married this weekend.  It was a lovely affair, filled with people I haven't seen in ages, good food, great music and menopur injections in the parking lot.  Boy, have times changed. 

The hubs and I drove to the venue (and parked far from the entrance) to ensure a safe place to sit and administer the mixing of medications and injections. Plus, we had to keep them in a cooler and thought lugging that on the shuttle from the hotel to the party would be a little obvious...and weird. 

I was nervous ALL DAY.  Something about these medications have my stomach and nerves going at all times.  It seemed like the day of the wedding was the day that a lot of side effects hit me - mostly nonstop stomach aches and a dull headache, so I was nervous as to how this would all play out. 

Turns out - our undercover mission went great!  No need for all of the stress. My nightly medicine time is 9:30pm and luckily most partygoers were tipsy by then.  Thank goodness.  We ended up making our stealth exit at 10pm-ish and were back to party within 30 minutes (we're still a little slow at this).  Only one person even asked where we went and I said that I had a stomach ache.  I have had IBS for pretty much my whole life, so this was extreeeemely believable.

I'm SO happy that we were able to pull it off. Yay us!

Onto the side effects.  I'm 6 nights of medicine in and this is what I've felt so far:

tender lower stomach/it feels bruised
slightly bloated
2 days of headaches
stomach aches for a couple days/could be IBS related, not sure.
and slightly more hungry

That's all so far! I have another appt tomorrow and I can't wait to hear what they say.  Yesterday, they said that I have 30 small eggs (16 on one side and 14 on the other) with my progesterone and estrogen levels seeming good.  They're also keeping me on the same amount of meds (150 follistim and 1 menopur). Yay!

Ouch.

I don't know if my husband is just seriously bad at his task as the injectables injector, but HOLY SMOKES do these things hurt.  Mostly just the Menopur.

My nurse told me that I could mix the Menopur and Follistim together to endure but one injection and originally I thought, "nah! I'll be fine!" but I'm going to ask her to re-explain at my Day 6 appointment tomorrow morning.  Right now, we're not confident enough to do the injections without following the video online (where they don't mix), but I really think one injection would be better than dos.

There is so much to keep track of with IVF. 

I've canceled most nighttime plans this month (that are to take place during our 9:30 injection date) and most early morning obligations (that take place during my 3 million doctor appts), but I still have a wedding to attend this Saturday and it's a state away.  Basically this means that the hubs and I will have to keep the meds cold in the car and hotel AND perform the injection during the reception or way too early or late.  I cannot wait to see how we manage this.  I'm sure it will end either hysterically, painfully, or with someone thinking that we're doing drugs in the bathroom stall. Crap.

Til then!
L

Nostalgia, Injections, and what's to come...

NOSTALGIA:

Once upon a time, I never thought about getting pregnant.  I never fantasized about my belly or a nursery. I never watched other families longingly. Kids always seemed kind of loud and crazy to me and babies were a little too fragile to take a chance holding.  At the time (up until a couple years ago) I just kinda figured it was because I wasn't ready for that phase.  I'm HUGELY into enjoying the phase I'm currently in (infertility phase - not as fun), so that's what I was doing. 

I always knew I wanted kids (before I even knew I wanted a husband) but not to ooh and aww over and not to dress up in frilly dresses.  I wanted to have a child because I really and truly believe in family and unconditional love being 2 HUGE things in my life that make everyday better.  They are what make me strong and I've always wanted to pass that along.  Plus, I love learning/enjoying/living through my family's experiences.  More people = more learning! It always made sense. But I never really fantasized or spoke about it more than say, once a year...and even then it was usually prompted by someone else's wondering. Now looking back, I think...how long ago that all seems. 

Some people miss high school, some people miss college, I miss those days.  The ones before I knew I was kinda broken.

I shouldn't dwell but September always makes me a bit nostalgic. 

INJECTIONS: 

This month, I'm going through with IVF and last night was the first of my injections.  What I've learned:

1. Injections hurt. 

2. My husband is not a nurse and does not quite have a hang of the needle. Just yet.  He's trying, but I hope it gets better soon.

3. I will have a doctor appt almost every day this month (for monitoring).

4. I am becoming increasingly poor with making excuses to miss happy hours and social outings that involve alcohol.

5. I catch myself hoping more and more every day that this works.  And that scares me!

 MY IVF CALENDAR SO FAR:

Blood test/ultrasound - prescribed birth control and thyroid med to help egg quality.
10 days of BC
AF arrives
Cycle Day 3 blood tests and ultrasound to check ovaries, lining, etc.
Day 3 - Begin injections of Menopur & Follistim at night/Husband begins Doxycycline.
Day 6 - followup appointment to check on progress.

On an exciting note, I'm booking a sublet apartment in Manhattan for the entire month of October.  If this doesn't work out, I'm outta here! Just joking. Hubs and I just need to get away and take a month off of this rollercoaster...plus we're having our basement finished and dealing with construction doesn't sound too soothing!

xoxo
L

IVF is not playing around

Yeah...this isn't intimidating at all.

eek!