Claustrophobia + 2hr MRI = Crying & a CT Scan

So much for the last post.  

Fact: I freaked out and did not go through with my MRI today.

Here's how the day went - 

I woke up super early to eat some toast before going on with my day of fasting.  No food for 8 hours before the MRI to ensure clear pictures.  Great.  My sister picked me up along with my adorable 2 year old nephew to take me to the imaging center.  I signed in and pumped myself up. I was so ready.  

Then, I waited. And waited. For an hour. As someone with anxiety...it's never good to wait.

Finally, I was taken back, given a robe and told to wait for the person before me to finish.  It was during that time that things got crazy.  The imaging tech was spouting off a laundry list (including swallowing some liquid?) of what I was about to undergo and I thought, "Wow, that sounds like an awful lot to do."  I told her how I how excited I was to eat after this whole ordeal was finito, to which she laughed (nicely) and replied, "You'll really be excited for that when we're done in a couple hours."

I started to shake.  The machine's noise was already rattling my nerves.  And from where I was sitting (right outside of the MRI room), it looked dark, old and plain scary.  I had figured I'd be in the tube for 30 minutes...not a couple of hours.  To someone with a 'feeling trapped' problem, this was breaking me down.  My mind was spiraling.

I replayed the original conversation with my RE about having either a Renal Ultrasound or MRI to check the "collecting system" for any abnormalities.  She had said "either one would be fine", but handed me a rx for the MRI.  I knew the ultrasound would have been quick and painless, so why was the MRI so different?  By this point I was also on hour 10ish of not eating which did not help. I decided to rush to my locker, grab my phone, and call my doctor.  I explained that I was freaking out, claustrophobic and while they most certainly believed I was an insane person, they helped me come up with an alternate plan of action. 

Long story short, my doctor talked to the head radiologist working at the imaging center and they decided I should move forward with a CT scan.  I would have a 15 minute scan with dye injected through an IV.  FIFTEEN MINUTES.  I know when to take a good deal and did so right away.  

The ct scan was a cinch.  The dye was weird as I totally felt like I was peeing my pants when it went through my body, but it was not bad or painful (other than the needle).  Oh, and it sent a metallic taste into my mouth.  The whole thing was over in 15 minutes.  I was/am SO grateful for such amazing techs/nurses/doctors who were willing to work with me and my psychosis. 

I will most definitely be calling my RE tomorrow to thank her for helping me out today.  It was really the first time during this entire process that I didn't feel like a number or statistic. And it was nice. Really.

~All's well that ends well~
L

Renal MRI - HIYA!

Fact: I am claustrophobic.

Fact: I hate going to the doctor.

Fact: I am so scared of going to this MRI to see if I have any other abnormalities other than my formerly septated (septum?) uterus today!!!

I just hope that it is over with quickly and painlessly.  My main fear is freaking out in the tube and having to try over and over again, while really annoying the imaging techs.  I keep having to remind myself that this is just a minor step in my journey.  A teeny one. Nothing to focus on. 

But, aaaaaah.

xoxo

L

Normal thyroid, but not normal enough.

One day, I will enter casa de infertility and they will tell me some good news.  Or that I'm not even a girl at all.  That would actually really explain some things.

So not only do I need a RENAL ultrasound (sound funny to anyone else?) or MRI to make sure that I have two kidney's, but I also have to start taking thyroid medication.  Something called, levithoeieroiuweroiweur...or something like that.  In the words of my nurse, my thyroid level is fine, but it's just a little bit not perfect and they want me in that 'perfect' place in the event that a baby should set up residence in my belly. It helps against miscarriage as well.

Oh, and the renal ultrasound thing is just because of my septum.  People with septums could have other abnormalities, so yeah.  Good news all around!

I cannot stress enough that my entire life, I wanted to be different.  I LOVE when I feel different or weird.  But this is getting crazy, people.  I would like just a teaspoon of normalcy from now on.  Is that too much to ask?

Onto my BIGGEST MISTAKE EVER (this month):

Drinking with my new meds.  Don't do it.  As someone who hasn't even taken an advil or tylenol for years (other than before my HSG), I am not used to being on medication.  So, as I mentioned before, I planned on having a party night with Auntie Flow's arrival.  I figured I could given the calendar of upcoming events.  Boy...oh boy...was I wrong.  

Wine and thyroid medication do not mix.  At least for me.  Normally, my tolerance is that of an Irish Lordsman or King (or the girl versions).  I can drink with the best of them.  Well, not anymore.  Especially since they want me on this stuff forever and a day.  No more wine for this wanna-be momma!

And don't quote me on the thyroid med being my poison.  Maybe I also ate a bad piece of pasta. Who knows.  All I know is that I ate what I normally eat, took evil medicine, drank chardonnay nay, and vomited all day day.

Sorry if this post was all over the place.  Sometimes I'm just crazy like that.

xxxx

L

Fail.

For some reason, my body just loves not being pregnant. 29 years going strong.

Aunt Flow arrived AGAIN so our first IUI party-in-my-uterus is officially a bust. Had a feeling this would be the case, but hoped otherwise.  Oh well.  Time to move on.  Not completely positive which science project we'll lend our bodies to this month, but I'm sure it'll be something invasive, expensive and crazy.  Weeee. 

Signing off...

Books I've Read during TWW...

Okay, so as I mentioned, I've been trying a new thing where I read books instead of thinking too much about this God-awful two week wait.  So far, so good.  Here are the books I've consumed thus far:

Best Friends Forever - Jennifer Weiner

*I'm not the biggest Jennifer Weiner fan, but picked this up at my local bookstore when I only had a few minutes before dinner and couldn't find anything else to tickle my fancy.  Turns out, I really enjoyed her writing this time around. BFF has a great storyline, with great characters.  I personally think that the one best friend's hilarious moments (bank robbery scene) make up for other oddities, such as the cop's creepy obsession with children television shows and the over-the-top religious chick.  Worth your time!

Where we Belong - Emily Giffin

*I've been obsessed with Emily Giffin since she wrote "Something Borrowed" and "Something Blue."  I mean, those books were epic.  So epic, in fact, that I've been waiting like crazy for another one of her books to make me feel the same way.  Hasn't happened yet.  So far, every one of her books has the same interesting-enough storyline, relate-able characters and way too abrupt ending.  Even so, you almost always know that things will turn out well for her characters.  She's a feel good writer...and subsequently, I usually feel good after reading her writing.  

 

Pandemonium - Lauren Oliver (second book in Delirium series)

*I've only just begun this one, but it is GOOD.  Really really good. Yes, it's a young adult read, but my Mom used to work in a bookstore and got me to read an advanced copy of Oliver's, "Before I Fall" and I was hooked.  If you can only read one of her books, read that one.  I guarantee you'll end up like me in the Young Adult section of your bookstore, anxious for the next one.

TWW:

Only a few more days left in this wait (I'm 9 dpiui) and even though my brain has conjured up some serious "symptoms" this month, I'm not confident AT ALL.  How can anybody be?  One symptom that most girls admit to feeling is a "tugging" or "pulling" in their side and I haven't, so that is what I'm going with.  This whole thing is so crazy.  All I can do is KNOW that it will indeed happen.  Some day...

Two Week Wait - Natural IUI

I've given this a lot of thought and have decided that the two week waiting period between giving "it" our all and finding out whether it worked or not totally sucks.  I realize that it must be so different for everyone. So so very different.  And for every different person, I have to think that every month is also very different.  Usually starting with the hopeful/"I don't even care if it happens this month" emotions before slowly slipping into the keep-yourself-guarded/"I can't take another single line" arena.

As I mentioned previously, I partook in a fun science experiment called an IUI this month.  I did it naturally with no meds, mostly because I had no other choice, but also I liked the sound of it. Au Naturale.  So chic. 

Right now, I am 1 day past my second insemination and I have to say that it's already started. The questions, the thoughts, the rational and mostly irrational logic tumbling through my head. What should I do? What shouldn't I do? WHAT CAN I DO?!  What is the magic formula?

Like most other infertile chickees, I'll do the normal: cut out alcohol, consume less coffee, stress less, and find a good book or 3 to read whenever I find my mind wandering.  

I just want to "up" our chances and "do our best!"  But, is it really in our hands? Completely?  I wonder...

Sometimes I think that downing a jager bomb before boarding a plane to Vegas would be completely a-okay if I wasn't "trying" so hard.  So much of EVERYTHING in life is mental.  I mean, through the powers of my own brain within my head, I am able to actually give myself a stomach ache out of nowhere when I feel trapped someplace (elevator, traffic, auditorium, pedicure chair...R. Kelly's closet) for no reason!  This is proof that our mind is a tricky thing. It has magic powers.  

It's also why I'm working hard to find the calm, mental space that makes me feel good this month. Healthy. And like I'm not missing out on anything.  I want to find the completely un-desperate place where I feel like I want to live this way whether I was trying to achieve BFP status or not, no sacrifices.   Something along the lines of needing a 2 week cleanse from my otherwise hectic life.  

So, that's how I'm proceeding.  If it yields a big fat NO-WAY...then, at least I was super healthy and I read a few good books.  And as a backup, I already have plans for the night that aunt flow should decide to visit.   Date-night, complete with wine and good food in the city! And coffee (tons of it) in the morning!

And if the answer is positive...well, we'll just have to see!

Fingers crossed!

L

No Toys in the Waiting Room.

Walking into my Palace de Infertility this morning, I happened upon something quite strange.  A woman in the far corner of the waiting room was seated with a miniature person <gasp!> on her lap.  Holy smokes, could that be...? A CHILD!  At first glance, I thought, "Wow, that kid is really good."  No crying, no screaming, no restlessness (which is more than I can say for myself in that place). Just sitting, buckled into mommy's lap and staring ahead at the new people surrounding her.

Choosing a seat, I was struck suddenly by two thoughts:

-This is the first time in ALL of my visits that I have seen a child (or even a pregnancy) in the waiting room.

And then...

-There are no toys here. No toy corner. No playroom. No children's book nook or Highlights magazine. Nothing.

I mean, I understand that the reason we're here is because we can't have babies, but it's still alarming to notice once again...this is not normal. Once again, I am in an abnormal setting that most people would find odd.  I wondered if secondary infertile people leave their kid at home for all visits or if friends with kids are forced to do the same when accompanying a friend.  I don't know.  Yes, the no kid-zone is a good place to read a book, but it's also eery.

This is an infertility clinic, where EVERY single patron signing in is hoping and praying for a child.  They want kids. All of them. Every last one.  This isn't some adult club where we hang a sign on the door reading, "No kids allowed." And yet, there has never been a child, baby or pregnant person visible in any of my 9 thousand visits. I'd never even noticed.  How ironic.

~L

I am a specimen.

This morning I had to go to the Infertility Palace again just to "make sure" I wasn't taking my ovulation kit the wrong way (seriously?) and didn't already miss the big day of O.  Normally, I ovulate on Day 17...which is tomorrow and I tried explaining this to Doc, but she didn't want to "take a chance."  Obviously I didn't resist too much and went ahead.  Plus, who doesn't want to wake up at 5:50am on a Saturday?  

When I arrived I was ushered into a room to have bloodwork and ultrasounds taken immediately.  Lucky girl. I feel like a blood faucet lately.  Instead of "Hi, how are you," I'm just going to start holding my arm out because I'm pretty sure people only want my blood.  Or maybe I'm getting a complex. Just maybe.

I know that blood-letting is a necessary step for me because, well, they have no choice but to check my blood for all sorts of good stuff, but I can't help but HATE it. More and more each time. I think I'm programmed to rebel against the predictability.  Can't we switch things up once in a while?  Maybe try a leaching method?

I feel like such a specimen.  So much poking, prodding, talking about me in front of me. It's a strange world, this place of infertility.  A place where I need the doctors and nurses WAY more than they need me, so I have to put up with any old bedside manner they decide to throw my way.  And be grateful.  Which...ultimately I am. Very much so.

On the upside:

Tomorrow is natural IUI day, numero uno! I'm so excited! The doctor actually said, "wow, there it is!" when she saw my egg, so I'll take (what I can get) it as a good thing. Maybe it's the golden egg. We shall see!

Til tomorrow!

L

IUI: au naturale

So, after dreaming about a black egg and finding out that it has to do with both: fertility and feeling a loss of control, I made a decision on how I will proceed.  

IUI au naturale and onto IVF if I must.

I am going to be as aggressive as possible.  This means that since I cannot do anything with drugs this cycle following my hysteroscopy, I will be doing a Natural IUI.  They gave us the go-ahead to try "naturally" so I figure this is just going to give us an extra push.  If nothing else, I will know that I tried my darnedest. And even though motility isn't a problem for us, who knows...maybe this is what we've needed all along!

Tomorrow morning I go in for more bloodwork and an ultrasound. 

Stay tuned!

L