8 Weeks - Heartbeat 167

The heartbeat was 167 and the Cheerio measured right to the day - 8 weeks exactly.  Hallelujah!!!  

This morning we heard the best sound in the world for the third time and I for one (Jeff, for two) couldn't be more thankful, excited, blessed, happy, and through the roof.  This past week was a scary one, but I'm willing to move past it and not hold anything against my uterus as long as it keeps its' end of the bargain and stops acting crazy with it's spontaneous bleeding ways.  Thank God that is over.

Now onto my new thing to worry about...

Being released to my regular OB.  EEK!

Today was my official LAST day with my RE and the infertility palace.  I am soon to join the ranks of normal fertile girls everywhere and sit in a waiting room with gals who got pregnant the ol' fashioned way.  I seriously cannot imagine.  A room of girls not looking completely forlorn with crossed toes and fingers?  What a strange thought.  

Leaving today was surreal.  I was handed a USB drive with pics of our little Cheerio, a goody bag (yes, really) with pregnancy magazines, while exchanging heartfelt goodbyes.  This place that I have loathed going to for the past million days is about to be in my past.  And yet, it didn't quite feel like it was the end.  I said to Jeff as we made our exit out of the parking lot, "I guess it's like graduating high school.  We won't feel a difference until we just don't go back." Weird.

So, here's my problem.  I am HAPPY to graduate.  I mean, that was the goal the whole time here...but I'm also sooooo scared.  I'm scared to stop my progesterone shots and switch to progesterone suppositories and then I'm scared to stop those at 10 weeks.  I'm scared that nobody will be monitoring my blood and I'm scared that the baby's placenta won't take over.  Why didn't anyone tell me that graduating from my RE and going to a regular OB (which should make me feel like a regular person...a good thing) would be so scary! Aaaaah!

xoxo
L

Pelvic Rest.

My spotting stopped yesterday afternoon. Even so, I'm remaining on pelvic rest until my 8 week appointment on Monday morning. This week has been a roller coaster. From believing I'd lost the baby to being told I'd be "just fine" as long as I don't do anything strenuous to convincing myself that we would be okay. Not having answers is hard. I wish I knew the cause of the bleeding. I wish I had lifted something heavy or exercised before the bleeding began to know what could have triggered it. It's hard to have so few answers when all I want are guarantees and reassurances.

It's like The Stones said, "You can't always get what you want, but if you try sometimes you find, you get what you need."

So I may not get answers but I hope HOPE HOPE I get what we need...a baby:)

Here are some pelvic rest pics...Auntie Anne pretzels, deviled eggs, a coloring book and my pup pretty much sums it up for now!

Scared.

I think I may be traumatized. I keep envisioning the gush of blood I felt two days ago happening again.  Knowing it can come without warning and without any sign. I think about it in my sleep. I try to envision us HAVING this baby, but I'm so scared.  It's scary to know that in an instant my happiness can be shattered. I'm so invested. So in love.  I keep repeating, "20 more weeks, 20 more weeks" because I would like to go that much further without any worry or bed rest. At least.

I always thought that getting pregnant would be the hard part. I figured that my pregnancy would be FUN, a piece of cake...so to speak. I don't care if I get morning sickness and I don't care if I gain weight. I don't care if I look like crap for the entire 10 months because after 2 IVF's and an FET making me look that way, I kind of expected it. My expectations were never that of Gisele Bunchen or Kim Kardashian.  I didn't think I'd be at the gym every morning, noon and night, flaunting my petite baby bump around town. No way. This journey has been an ordeal thus far and I figured it would continue.  But not like this.  I never thought it would be this scary. 

Every cramp, every feeling. I worry. I worry that a cramp will come and suddenly not stop until I'm doubled over in pain. I haven't had that but I'm losing it. I really need to stay planted in reality before going over the edge. I believe that your mind can do crazy things and I don't want to be the reason anything more happens. 

I spoke with my nurse yesterday who said that next month with be her 20th year doing what she does.  She said, "In the hundreds and hundreds of girls that I've dealt with who go through what you went through, I can count on ONE hand the girls who actually lost the baby."

A good 'odds' story never hurt and ultimately, it does/did make me feel better. I'm just scared. Hoping for the best, but scared.
xoxo
L

7 weeks: Bleeding and Clotting.

Monday 2/18/13:  Today was terrible. HORRIBLE. Shortly after waking up and just before Jeff left for work, I felt a gush of something happen down there. I ran to the bathroom to discover bright red blood falling from me and also when I wiped. To say I was frantic was an understatement. I left the bathroom to tell Jeff when I suddenly felt it again. And this time, it was more. I was hysterical.  HYSTERICAL.  Jeff, too was on the verge of tears as he called the doctor who said we had an hour to come in before monitoring hours were over. 

We didn't say a word the entire car ride (9am) and every time I thought of a scary story or negative thought (or even of the character Celia Rae Foote in The Help) I forced myself to repeat "heartbeat 140, heartbeat 140, heartbeat 140..." over and over again in my mind. I knew that at 6 weeks the heartbeat was 117 bpm so I wanted to conjure positive future thinking for the baby.

At the doctors office (9:15am), I could barely talk to anyone without crying. I was still bleeding. Finally it was time to be seen and the doctor explained what I was going through as a "threatened miscarriage".  I couldn't really process words and just wanted it to be time for our ultrasound.  As I lay back, I stared at the monitor until Jeff and I heard the only thing we cared about: a heartbeat...of 135. My nerves loosened but I was about to learn that the day had only begun.

Back at home, the bleeding continued. I stayed stationary on the couch in "pelvic rest" mode until my parents could get there. The whole time I felt myself bleeding. It unnerved me because I couldn't stop it. It just kept coming. Then just as my parents arrived (1pm) I stood to go to the bathroom. I switched out pads, peed and then suddenly felt a large blood clot fall out of me. It was sickening. I called for my mom (who determined it all blood) and went back to the couch more distraught than ever. The clot seemed HUGE to me; about 1 by 2 inches.  I had read  online of some girls passing small clots, so this did not help my already psychotic brain.  My cramps lessened at this point, but I didn't rejoice and instead sat paralyzed in this same position for 9 hours while my Mom ran to meet her friend who is an amazing midwife to pick up some Herb Lore. 

In the nine hours, I took sepia and sabina on and off every hour to help with the heavy bleeding. I took vitamin E and vitamin C. I drank pregnancy tea. And I prayed and visualized the beating heart of my baby.

It it now 10pm and the bleeding has tapered off to a spotting type but I am so scared. A nurse from this morning called to say that my levels were good (rising appropriately) so as of this second, all I can do is wait and think positively (and pet my dog a lot). My next appointment is set for Monday.  My ultrasound from this morning really resembles a baby, so I am holding onto that as well.

Tuesday 2/19/13: It's still early, but as of this morning (all night until 8:30am) I am spotting. Even though my night consisted of bloody nightmare after bloody nightmare, there has been no more bright red blood. No more clots. I am THANKFUL, but also terrified. What is happening and why?  I am more afraid than I have ever been in my life.

I took a warm shower and will resume my pelvic rest shortly. 

The rest of the day went by uneventfully, besides one clot and lots of brown spotting. 

Happy Valentines Day!!!

Yesterday we heard our Cheerio's heartbeat for the first time and since then I have been on cloud nine. It was the perfect Valentines Day gift even if it came a day early. I did not need anything else. Jeff didn't get the memo.

Today the alarm went off at 5:55am and I was reluctantly dragged out of bed sometime after 6 to endure my daily pain in the ass, my progesterone shot. Jeff had the music going, heating pad ready and an ice pack on its way to my butt cheek when I noticed PRESENTS on my desk!! Wake up call! I was not expecting a thing since we rarely do gifts (and if we do, we rarely do them right) but there they were!

Lots of pretty love inspired things for our home. I really do LOVE them...and him!!!

Happy Valentines Day!!!
L

The beat.

This morning the hubs and I heard our Cheerio's heartbeat for the first time and it was unreal. In the moments leading up to it, I was speechless with my brain filled with thoughts of passing out. I felt paralyzed and like I couldn't breathe until the doctor said something. Then we heard it. My whole body felt hot and I honestly almost broke down and cried. It was the coolest thing I've ever been a part of. And I feel so lucky. SO fortunate. SO blessed.

I know that after hearing the heartbeat, our chance of miscarriage goes down to about 4% so I am thinking positively now and looking forward to the rest of this journey. We are pregnant!!!

Also, we decided earlier this week to celebrate Valentine's Day today instead of tomorrow because I have acupuncture in the city (and that's where the hubs works), so now we have SOOOO much more to celebrate.  I can't wait!!  Best V-day ever.

BPM - 117 for 6w1d

6 WEEKS.

Feeling: Today, I am 6 weeks and 1 day pregnant.  For someone so used to being no weeks and no days pregnant, this feels like a major accomplishment already.  Positive beta's - Check. Sack seen on 5 week U/S - Check.  But, that is where my confidence ends.   I am experiencing so few symptoms that I'm through the roof nervous.  Tomorrow I will go in for my 6 week ultrasound and while I couldn't be more thrilled to do so, I'm scared.  Everywhere you look there is someone's sad story of miscarrying.  And they are ALL terrifying in their own right.  I can't help but know that it could happen to us because it could happen to anyone.  I hate it.

Symptoms: Thus far, my main symptoms would have to be: MOODINESS and FATIGUE.  I am a tired, cranky girl.  Every time I tell myself to "cheer up, girlfriend...this is what you've been waiting for!" I feel an overwhelming desire to take a nap and wake up when it's time for my next doctor appointment.  I don't want to wish this first trimester away, but I am definitely, kinda sorta hoping it goes quickly.

Also, what's up with no nausea?  I just read online today that nausea is a good sign and it means that your body is doing what it is supposed to in order to maintain the pregnancy.  Hmm.  

One thing I keep reminding myself is that my Mom does not recall having any pregnancy symptoms with my sister or myself (she also didn't even know she was pregnant for 2 months back then). And my sister also had almost no symptoms while pregnant with my little nephew.  She threw up once and generally just felt exhausted, but that was it.  Hearing that stuff helps.

EDITED TO ADD - Holy HEARTBURN!!! I have some serious molten lava in my throat I type this. Thought I should update for accuracy.

Weight: I'm bloated in my midsection a bit but have been eating more, so it may just be that.  I haven't gained additional pounds yet but will keep updating every week to keep track.

What I Miss: Regular coffee! 

Looking Forward To: Despite what I'm writing, I'm feeling hopeful and happy and I just need to keep telling myself: I AM PREGNANT. I am looking forward to our 6 week ultrasound and I hope that we can see the heartbeat!

xoxo
L

Coffee Addiction and Pregnancy.

Okay, so I'm addicted to coffee.  I have been for YEARS and I must admit that for me it is much more than an early morning pick-me-up.   It's a ritual. It smells good. It awakens my soul. Seriously. I reeeeeally really like it.

8 years ago, I sipped coffee before my 10am college Lit course. And again afterwards (thank you, free refills).  Then, before joining my crew and taping an episode of our on-campus television show, I'd fill 'er up once more.   Most days were a three cup day.  And when I had my Marketing or Spanish night classes, four cups would suffice.  Back then, it was a Medium French Vanilla with 2 Splenda and skim milk kind of thing.

6 years ago, I continued on my coffee loving streak.  I was at my dream job out of college and eager to get to know my coworkers.  The kitchen, nearby Starbucks, and downstairs coffee shop were perfect ways to do so.  I would say that every day was a four cupper back then.  However, I spontaneously ditched the Splenda one day after convincing myself that it was either giving me anxiety or some rare form of unseen cancer. (I've always been crazy).

4 years ago, I decided that I wanted to take my career to the next level.  This drive gave me anxiety.  And along with it, an insurmountable number of stomach aches.  For someone used to thrice daily belly aches, I'm talking MORE.  This new, more responsible chapter of my life should have meant tossing out my mug completely, but it really only cut out 2 cups a day.  

2 years ago, the husband and my jittery coffee riddled self decided to start "trying" for a family.  I knew that caffeine would not mix with this plan so one sad June day I swapped my coffee for tea and nearly gagged every single day for the next 6 months with coffee withdrawal symptoms - 1 month of headaches followed by 5 of hating everybody else drinking it around me.

That break did not last. I mean, first we weren't getting pregnant AND then I couldn't even have my comforting morning drink?  It didn't seem fair, so I hopped back on the caffeine train for a year.  If I couldn't have a baby, I felt that coffee would help heal the wound.  Within a day of welcoming back my old friend, I was hooked...and happy.

6 months ago, guilt began to eat away at me once again and I made the depressing switch to decaf.  Why depressing?  UM, because almost no coffee shops carry flavored decaf AND they barely brew the stuff they have!  9 hour old decaf is sad. But it was all I had.  As an avid coffee lover, I felt happy to have some sort of coffee in the morning, but I knew/know that it isn't really the same.

THIS IS WHERE THE STORY SHOULD END, right?!  Decaf should have solved all of my little coffee problems, right?! Of course...not.  Just as I decide that I'm perfectly okay with decaf coffee (sometimes with a splash of flavored caf) I find out (from at least 5 too many sources) that decaf may be MORE unhealthy than caf.  That the process they use to decaffeinate it, requires a chemical infusion of sorts. BOO.  Obviously this was a sad discovery for so many reasons.  

I am pregnant (happily so).  I am giving up feta, blue cheese, sushi, cold cuts, raw eggs (aka - cookie dough), WINE and caffeine of any sort.  I cannot bare to give up my early morning refreshment, too!  So, this is why I have made the switch to SWISS WATER PROCESS decaf coffee (google it).  Nothing bad, period.  No caffeine to hype up my little cheerio and make me feel anxious and no chemicals to hurt either one of us either.  

FINALLY. I've found a way to be okay with my addiction. I've found my coffee soul mate.  And yes (if you must bring it up), the taste of Swiss Water Processed coffee is a bit duller than regular coffee and the "flavor" that I bought (chocolate raisin) does not even taste a hint chocolatey or raisiny but it's a solution for the next 9 months. And for that I'm thankful!

On Amazon, the below is sold in a pack of 3 for $24.

Also, please note that these bags are filled with BEANS and not ground up coffee bits.  So you may need to purchase a cheap grinder. As a coffee addict, I was lucky to have one already.

Two hearts.

No, we're not having twins. 

Last night I found two hearts in my salad. Now obviously this struck me that this is either a sign from the salad gods that YES I have two hearts now that I'm pregnant OR it is a CLEAR indication that I've lost it!

Probably the second one. But it's pretty anyhow.

Meet our little Cheerio! 5 Weeks!

Our (first!) 5 week ultrasound was today and it looks like we're having ONE little Cheerio!!!

This visit was just to ensure:

a) Both a gestational sac and yolk sac were visible
b) that the yolk sac had a nugget floating within it and was not empty
and
c)  that our little cheerio had implanted in a desirable area (no tubal pregnancy, molar pregnancy, etc) and it had.  I feel bad for ever doubting the little guy!

Also, my Beta number at 18 DP5DT (23 days past ovulation) is 8792, Progesterone above 60!!!

Thyroid Shmyroid.

During my first IVF cycle back in September, I was put on some thyroid medication.  I didn't like it and subsequently hated taking it.  We cut my dosage in half, and then when my cycle was cancelled, I stopped it all together.  

So imagine my surprise receiving a call yesterday to say that my thyroid levels are above "normal" and that I should "up my dosage." Um. What dosage?  My dosage of nothing?

First...I panicked.  How could they have never told me to go back on the stuff?  How was this in their records?  Were they going to yell at me? I hate getting yelled at!!  From that mental space, I called my nurse back and confessed that I hadn't been on the stuff for MONTHS. Like, my entire last IVF and FET cycle...nada.  

My nurse, while surprised, did a great job of calming my crazy and explained that maybe if my level was an '8' that they would worry a little.  My level was still above normal at a 4.7 (making me hyPOthyroid) with the desired level being a 2.5.  She also explained that it shouldn't take too long for me to achieve that. Well, phew.  Another crisis averted if you ask me!!!

In the land of fertility fretting, there is never a dull day!