I've been calm...

but I'm slowly starting to lose it. 

For the past 7.5 years, I've had anxiety.  Some years were really bad, but recently I've gotten it under wraps.  The source of my panic usually lies in a very specific problem.  I have IBS. I like to know that I can go to the bathroom at any moment, should I happen to be overwhelmed with a sudden stomach ache.  From this fear, grew my anxiety.  It hit me in an instant during my college graduation (yes I did run off of the field during the president's speech) when I was sure I was merely having a heart attack, and has been with me ever since.  

Oddly enough, since struggling with infertility, I have been extremely calm.  At first I was sure I'd get pregnant "any day now."  Then, I was diagnosed with a T-shaped uterus.  The three months living with that misdiagnosis were the worst.  I wasn't anxious though, I was sad.  Then, I was finally told by a much more capable clinic that I had been misdiagnosed.  I had a septum in my uterus which could be removed with surgery.  From there, surgery, repair, an unsuccessful IUI and now IVF.  All back to back.  

In all of that time, the only anxiety that I experienced was minor and occurred while sitting on the hospital bed waiting to be wheeled into surgery and while I sat in the waiting room, waiting for my named to be called countless times.  And even then I'd have some anxiety in the doctor's room, waiting for the doctor.  I wasn't even scared by what the doctor would say or find. I was scared I'd have to go to the bathroom. A few times, I did actually run out of the room to use the facilities really quick. But that was it. All stomach related.

This is why I'm a little uneasy with how I feel now.  Anxious. But not over my stomach.  Will this work? I don't know...

Nobody knows.  I hate that.

So many shots, so many visits to the doctor, so many restrictions, so many lies to my friends and family about not being able to make plans because of my injection and doctor schedule.  10 days of the pill, 23 injections (so far...13 more progesterone to go), 5 pills a day, countless blood and ultrasounds.  I'm scared.  I'm invested.  I'm attached. And terrified by how it may end.

xo
L