This weekend, I had a Bachelorette party for one of my best friends...
And I cried.
The night began when I pulled up a chair to dinner and asked the girl across from how she was. Her reply was a simple and excited, "Good!" followed by, "I'm...pregnant." Wow. I did not expect that. However, my reaction was pretty (semi-) normal. I did alright! Until she followed up with, "... and so is blah blah!" (blah blah was the girl sitting to my left). Suddenly I found myself surrounded by fertile girls that I was insanely jealous of. And it totally threw me off.
I could not shake it.
Every minute, every hour, I thought of their little baby bumps. Their babies in their bellies. I thought of the fact that I have not ever had one. I thought of how badly I want one. I basically thought of EVERYTHING having to do with my fertility and nothing to do with my friends bachelorette party. It was like I was in a trance. Posessed.
That's why, when 3am rolled around and I got a second with my soon-to-be-married lady friend, I broke down. I didn't mean to. Really and truly. But it happened. I told her that I was so excited for the other girls. SO excited. Because, honestly...I am. I feel like getting pregnant is so impossible that the fact that they achieved it is amazing. But as soon as the words came out of my slightly drunk mouth, I felt my lip quiver and the flood gates open. I cried, "It's just been so hard," and you know what?
It has.
It has been SO freaking hard. Hard on my body, hard on our bank account...but mostly, it has been so hard on my mind. And I'm tired. Not tired enough to quit or give up, but tired. Exhausted, even. The thought of my next IVF cycle starting up in a month is scary. What if it doesn't work again? What will happen?
I won't die. I won't give up. But I do feel that I will find myself getting progressively more exhausted. It's been a long and hard road with no end in sight. But, I refuse to give in to jealousy and I refuse to give up. We want a child...that's it.
xoxo
L
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