it's wandering.
I add up days, weeks, months, years. I trail off, thinking about my past, my present, my future. I measure my life. I feel good about it. Then, measure again.
I wonder if anyone else wonders like I do. Aimlessly. I wonder if I would survive in a world without modern medicine...it doesn't seem like it. Well, even if I could, I wouldn't be able to expand my brood easily. But then again, without medicine who would survive? I wonder if not being super fertile makes me feel less than? Is this my fault? I wonder if humans have been existing for so long that our genes are all junk and I'm part of the solution to extinct us all? Or am I part of the example...to show how intellectually smart we are? We can achieve anything we want...through a lab. We don't need anything but brains.
I wonder constantly if my embryos will thaw, if they'll produce a positive pregnancy test, if I'll do 2 FET's, only to then do another 3 rounds of IVF. Will I have to do this again? How many times? How many shots? How many nights wondering, hoping, praying for the SAME thing? When will I get to hope for something different?
When will this change?
I wonder. And I do it constantly.
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