The Infertillity Rollercoaster.

I love roller-coasters.  But, when you didn't agree to get on one in the first place and you don't see any sign of it stopping to let you off soon, it makes you want to scream.  And not the, "Weeee" kind of scream...the "HELP! I've been kidnapped by a runaway train!" kind.

The ride isn't smooth and every high is sure to be met with a low.  Every climb, met with a dip.  Even when you know a gut-wrenching fall is approaching and you brace yourself, it is never enough. Hopes that are high every time you pass the gate from where you boarded are dashed when the brakes don't kick in. Again.  When you hear you have retrieved 31 eggs, 20 of which have fertilized, you will just as soon hear that only 4 have made it and your transfer has been canceled.  Then you will also hear that their grades aren't too great either. 

Clearly I have a lot of time to think about this stuff.  What people don't realize with infertility is that every single month there is hope.  Even if you "don't even care anymore" there is still a chance, a sliver of light moments before you know it didn't work out AGAIN.  So if I don't see you for a month or two and then I'm sipping wine when I finally do...understand that I may look how I always have, but I've changed.  In the interim of us seeing eachother, I could have become 2 months pregnant.  But I didn't.   Infertility is an every day thing.

I remember being in 9th grade and having the craziest crush of my life and thinking that I couldn't IMAGINE thinking of something more than I was thinking of this boy.  Then, I went to college and belonged to 1 half of the most dramatic relationship in the world.  Once again, I remember my thoughts being consumed 100 percent by this person and what was going on between the two of us.  Diary entries were redundant and it was clear that I was obsessed with my little world. But my brain was immature and as quickly as it came, it always left.  There was always something shiny around the corner back then. And I guess that is what I'm hoping for here.  Something shiny to distract me.  However, unlike past tense me, not just anything will do.  I want to start a family. 

And because of that, I will stay on this rollercoaster every single day.  Even if it makes me want to puke.  Even if I have to watch everyone else hop on and off with ease.  Even if the tracks become rickety and I think I may die. I'll stay on as long as I can.

xoxo
L